Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them (Karl Pillemer)

 

I have a goal this year to read the entire Old and New Testament. While I was reading this book I was in Genesis and marveled at how many people in the Bible have these same issues. Cain and Abel (Genesis 4), Sarah and Hagar (Genesis 16), Lot and his daughters (Genesis 19...gross!), Jacob and Esau (Genesis 25), Isaac and his Father-in-Law, Laban (Genesis 29-31), and then in the Book of Mormon, Nephi and his brothers, who do eventually just have to separate (2 Nephi 5). 

This is a bigger problem than most people are willing to admit. It is something people don't like to talk about. People who consider estrangement or go ahead with their decision feel real pain. It is difficult because sometimes continuing an unhealthy relationship can be very painful, but so can estrangement. The book goes through many ways that estrangement happens: divorce, in-laws, money/inheritances, unmet expectations and value and lifestyle differences and also has some good strategies for how to resolve the fractures.

Interestingly, in the section about resolving these issues, one of the big topics was defensive ignorance, especially among parents. Often times parents will claim they have no idea why their child won't speak to them - yet they can list many situations that led to estrangement. The author has done a lot of research and found that defensiveness encourages us to selectively edit information we receive, "treating as "facts" events that help protect our self-esteem and discounting those that may threaten a positive perception of ourselves". (page 172) It's pretty hard to reconcile when people create their own reality. However, luckily, it isn't impossible and with good boundaries, can be done.

The author gives some strategies to get started:

1. Perspective-taking: Think about how you may have played a part in the rift by considering the other person's perspective. It doesn't mean you have to accept it all - but considering their perspective might help with understanding.

2. Use the power of writing: This one made me nervous. I've received a few letters myself that I would have rather not. However, the author does suggest writing to understand the other person's perspective. In other words, write their story. He says it's important to step back from your highly emotional reactive viewpoint and write the history from another perspective. 
3. Expand your feedback loop: Often people find solace in talking to people who understand their situation. However, talking to someone who may be considered "the other side" often helps. One of the strong suggestions was a group that uses the 12-step program like Alcoholics Anonymous. You often can't get perspective when trying to work through the problem with people inside your circle.

Once you decide to reconcile, you can set up some healthy boundaries. 

It was interesting to me that often parents are the ones who excuse their poor behavior and are surprised when children cut ties. The parents are usually the ones who really want to heal the rift and children are quite willing to move on without their parents. Family ties are not unbreakable. "...many estranged parents held firmly to two sets of expectations: that their past provision of support to their child obligates the child to relation in the relationship, and that family ties are so binding that even chronic stress in the relationship should not undo them." (page 194) These are faulty assumptions. "A child, however, is likely to view providing a stable childhood as a basic expectation of the parent-child relationship, not the one that requires lifetime loyalty in the face of a pattern of aversive interactions." (p. 194)

In order to reconcile, the author suggests these tools:

1. Change your expectations. You may just have to accept that the relative is not going to change to meet your expectations.

2. See how your relative has changed. Sometimes they do!

3. Determine the least you can accept

It seems that setting boundaries is key when you are related to someone that is unhealthy.  Most people are anxious about reconciling because they don't want to work through what it will take to reconcile. These are the suggested tools:

1. Set clear terms: You have be specific because what one considers respectful interactions, the other might not understand.

2. Be persistent in setting limits: often, since patterns of interaction have gone on for many years, figuring out new rules for the relationship will take time. I liked the story of one of his participants in the study: "I have a back problem. I've learned that it's not like one day my back is going to get better. My back is laways going to be trouble, I just need to stretch it and exercise and do those kinds of things. So it is with my father. He is always going to have to push my little switches and mental triggers. I realized I needed to learn steps to manage them better." (p. 221)

3. Get counselling: Sometimes you need to talk to a professional to help you figure out what you want of a relationship and how to align expectations to reality. You have to make sure you're healthy before you can deal with anyone else's drama.

The author is sympathetic to situations where it just won't work, but he does give one last ditch effort to encourage people to reconcile with his "one last chance" chapter. The strategies he suggests are:

1. Use the new leverage in the relationship: if someone lets you know they've got limited time to live, ti might be worth giving it one last chance. It doesn't even have to be an end of life situation. It could just be a clearly stated, "I will give you one last chance." He says: If you have a relative desperate to reconnect, offer one last chance; if you are offered one last chance, take it. (page 244) He says that reconciliation can be a powerful engine for personal growth (page 245). Often the reconciling can do you more good than it can do the relationship. It leads to an enhanced sense of self.


Goodreads says:

Real solutions to a hidden epidemic: family estrangement.

Estrangement from a family member is one of the most painful life experiences. It is devastating not only to the individuals directly involved--collateral damage can extend upward, downward, and across generations, More than 65 million Americans suffer such rifts, yet little guidance exists on how to cope with and overcome them. In this book, Karl Pillemer combines the advice of people who have successfully reconciled with powerful insights from social science research. The result is a unique guide to mending fractured families.

Fault Lines shares for the first time findings from Dr. Pillemer's ten-year groundbreaking Cornell Reconciliation Project, based on the first national survey on estrangement; rich, in-depth interviews with hundreds of people who have experienced it; and insights from leading family researchers and therapists. He assures people who are estranged, and those who care about them, that they are not alone and that fissures can be bridged.

Through the wisdom of people who have been there, Fault Lines shows how healing is possible through clear steps that people can use right away in their own families. It addresses such questions as: How do rifts begin? What makes estrangement so painful? Why is it so often triggered by a single event? Are you ready to reconcile? How can you overcome past hurts to build a new future with a relative?

Tackling a subject that is achingly familiar to almost everyone, especially in an era when powerful outside forces such as technology and mobility are lessening family cohesion, Dr. Pillemer combines dramatic stories, science-based guidance, and practical repair tools to help people find the path to reconciliation.

The One and Only Bob (Katherine Applegate)

 

Because I love The One and Only Ivan, I've wanted to read The One and Only Bob for a while. I read The One and Only Ivan every year with my grade 3 students one way or another: either as a read aloud or in grade 3 book club. The One and Only Bob came up for me as a Skip-the-line loan with the audio book so I jumped at it. I am ordering the book now! I think it will be our first for our adult Children's Lit club. 

Katherine Applegate is an author I'd love to meet. I wonder if she'd consider zooming into our book club? Hmmm....never hurts to ask! 

The story is told from Bob's perspective and the reader was Danny Devito. I listened to it while walking my dog and it made me smile the entire time. Entire time! It was pure genius. I loved hearing about life from Bob's perspective. Bob and friends get caught up in a hurricane. The story reminded me very much of the flood we had in Calgary because the zoo was right in the middle of the flood. What an experience!

The audio book was voted as one of the best of 2020!

Over the moon that #TheOneAndOnlyBob—narrated by the one and only @DannyDeVito—was named one of the best audiobooks of 2020 by both @audible_com & @ALA_Booklist! 🐕🧡

If you haven't given it a listen yet, you can check it out here: https://t.co/4Jb17WU1DC @HarperAudio pic.twitter.com/pPoJRuisjC

— Katherine Applegate (@kaaauthor) December 23, 2020

Goodreads says:

Bob sets out on a dangerous journey in search of his long-lost sister with the help of his two best friends, Ivan and Ruby. As a hurricane approaches and time is running out, Bob finds courage he never knew he had and learns the true meaning of friendship and family.

It's Monday, What Are You Reading?

Now that Christmas celebrations are finished, I'm ready to settle into that quiet week between Christmas and New Year's where I can just hunker down and read. These are on my list this week:

The One and Only Bob: Got the audio book on a skip the line loan. It's brilliant!

The Testaments by Margaret Atwood has been on my list for a while. Excited to dive into it!

And my two non-fiction picks for this week: Atomic Habits and Fault Lines (Don't read too much into that....but it does seem just right for after Christmas, doesn't it? LOL)

A Thousand Splendid Suns (Khaled Hossein)

 

I first read this book in 2008, before I had even started this blog. The things I said then are still true today. I don't even know how to express how sad it is that there are women who go through things like these women do. I had forgotten much of the story and now, after hearing so much more in the news about Afghanistan, and perhaps being a little older helped me to appreciate it even more. 

A friend of mine that teaches high school English does this book as a novel study with her kids and she says that it is always a significant experience. I can only imagine the thoughts and discussion a book like this could bring out. I'm looking forward to discussing it with my book club.

Goodreads says:

A Thousand Splendid Suns is a breathtaking story set against the volatile events of Afghanistan's last thirty years - from the Soviet invasion to the reign of the Taliban to post-Taliban rebuilding - that puts the violence, fear, hope, and faith of this country in intimate, human terms. It is a tale of two generations of characters brought jarringly together by the tragic sweep of war, where personal lives - the struggle to survive, raise a family, find happiness - are inextricable from the history playing out around them.

Propelled by the same storytelling instinct that made The Kite Runner a beloved classic, A Thousand Splendid Suns is at once a remarkable chronicle of three decades of Afghan history and a deeply moving account of family and friendship. It is a striking, heart-wrenching novel of an unforgiving time, an unlikely friendship, and an indestructible love - a stunning accomplishment.

Stella Endicott and the Anything-Is-Possible Poem (Kate DiCamillo)

 

There is so much I love about this book! It is from the Mercy Watson series (or is it The Tales From Decawoo Drive series?) It has metaphors. It has drama. It has hilarious illustrations. It has a villain (Horace Broom....that guy in class who seems to have his hand up for EVERYTHING). It has a mean old secretary who guards the door to the mean old principal. It has a wise caretaker. And it has Mercy Watson. What more could anyone ask for?! 

This will definitely be our next read aloud when we are doing a poetry unit.

Goodreads says:

Stella Endicott loves her teacher, Miss Liliana, and she is thrilled when the class is assigned to write a poem. Stella crafts a beautiful poem about Mercy Watson, the pig who lives next door — a poem complete with a metaphor and full of curiosity and courage. But Horace Broom, Stella's irritating classmate, insists that Stella’s poem is full of lies and that pigs do not live in houses. And when Stella and Horace get into a shouting match in the classroom, Miss Liliana banishes them to the principal’s office. Will the two of them find a way to turn this opposite-of-a-poem day around? In the newest spirited outing in the Deckawoo Drive series by Kate DiCamillo, anything is possible — even a friendship with a boy deemed to be (metaphorically speaking) an overblown balloon.

Boys of Steel (Marc Nobleman)

 

Really cool story behind the story of how Superman was created. I loved that it was created during depression years. It makes me wonder what great things will come out of our pandemic time. There are so many lessons in this story: - Never give up - Dare to dream - Do what inspires you - You don't have to be an extrovert to win

 


Goodreads says:

JERRY SIEGEL AND Joe Shuster, two misfit teens in Depression-era Cleveland, were more like Clark Kent—meek, mild, and myopic—than his secret identity, Superman. Both boys escaped into the worlds of science fiction and pulp magazine adventure tales. Jerry wrote stories, and Joe illustrated them. In 1934, they created a superhero who was everything they were not. It was four more years before they convinced a publisher to take a chance on their Man of Steel in a new format—the comic book. The author includes a provocative afterword about Jerry and Joe’s long struggle with DC Comics when they realized they had made a mistake in selling all rights to Superman for a mere $130!

Marc Tyler Nobleman’s text captures the excitement of Jerry and Joe’s triumph, and the energetic illustrations by Ross MacDonald, the author-artist of Another Perfect Day, are a perfect complement to the time, the place, and the two young visionaries.

On A Beam Of Light: A Story of Albert Einstein (Jennifer Berne)

 

I ran into this book quite by chance just as we are starting our imagination unit. It is a well written yet simple story of Albert Einstein. It talks about how he would think and wonder and imagine and how that led him to be a great scientist. It always surprises my students to see that imagination is important for scientists.

Goodreads says:

A boy rides a bicycle down a dusty road. But in his mind, he envisions himself traveling at a speed beyond imagining, on a beam of light. This brilliant mind will one day offer up some of the most revolutionary ideas ever conceived. From a boy endlessly fascinated by the wonders around him, Albert Einstein ultimately grows into a man of genius recognized the world over for profoundly illuminating our understanding of the universe. Jennifer Berne and Vladimir Radunsky invite the reader to travel along with Einstein on a journey full of curiosity, laughter, and scientific discovery. Parents and children alike will appreciate this moving story of the powerful difference imagination can make in any life.

The Boys in the Boat (Daniel James Brown)

 

Wow. Was this read ever good for my soul. These days, in the middle of the pandemic, as we head into the darkness of the second wave, to read about people who work together for something good was really good for my soul. In the end, when they were at the Olympics with Hitler looking on and the Germans chanting, to have won that race was something else. I can understand the jubilation everyone felt (well, everyone except Hitler). This is a great story! 

I mistakenly put a hold on the book for young readers. Unfortunately, it isn't young enough for the crowd I teach. I will definitely read the full story when my hold comes in at the library. 

I suggested this book to kick off a family book club. There was a underwhelming lack of enthusiasm for the idea. It is kind of ironic that this is the book I had suggested. I think there's a lesson in that somewhere.

Great quotes:

....trying to find the right crew of rowers to take it to the Olympics:

p. 22 ...they would need something else as well. Something even more important. To be part of that kind of crew - a gold medal crew - each young man would also have to be able to put aside his own personal ambitions. He'd have to throw his ego over the side of the boat, to leave it swirling in the wake of his shell. He'd need to pull, not just for himself, not just for glory, but for the other boys in the boat.

....on when your family abandons you and you're alone:

p. 52 He made some oatmeal and sat back down to think some more. His father had always taught him that there was a solution to every problem. But he had always said that sometimes the solution wasn't where people would ordinarily expect it to be. You might have to look in unexpected places and think in new and creative ways. He could survive on his own, he figured, if he just kept his eyes open for opportunities.

....on unity

p. 67 One of the fundamental challenges in rowing is that when any one member of a crew goes into a slump, the entire crew goes with him. Each of the rowers has a slightly different role, depending on his position in the boat, and each of these roles is critical....When working well, the entire boat operates like a well-lubricated machine, with every rower serving as a vital link in a chain that powers it forward. 

This machine can break down easily. A lack of concentration on one person's part can impact the performance of the whole boat. To keep themselves focused, the freshman crew in Joe's boat had come up with a mantra that their coxswain, George Morry, chanted as they rowed. Morry shouted, "M-I-B, M-I-B, M-I-B!" over and over to the rhythm of their stroke. The letters stood for "mind in boat". The chant was meant as a reminder that from the time an oarsman steps into a racing shell until the moment the boat crosses the finish line, he must keep his mind focused on what is happening inside the boat. His whole world must shrink down to that one small space.

...on holding your tongue

p. 91 As they drove away, Joyce fumed. Over the years she had been slowly learning more about Joe's life, about what happened at the Gold and Ruby mine, and in Sequim. She could not understand ow Thula had been so cold, how his Father had been so weak, and why Joe himself seemed to show so little anger about it all. Finally, as Joe pulled over to the curb to drop her off at the Judge's home, Joyce erupted. Why did he go on pretending that they hadn't done him any harm?  What kind of woman would leave a boy alone in the world? What kind of father would let her do that? She was nearly sobbing by the time she finished. 

She glanced across the seat at Joe, and saw at once, through a blur of tears, that his eyes were full of hurt too. But his jaw was set, and he stared ahead over the steering wheel rather than turning to looka t her. 
"You don't understand," he murmured. "They didn't have any choice. There were just too many mouths to feed."
Joyce that about that for a moment, then said, "I just don't understand why you don't get angry."
Joe continued to stare ahead through the windshield.
"It takes energy to get angry. It eats you up inside. I can't waste my energy like that and expect to get ahead. When they left, it took everything I had in me just to survive. Now I have to stay focused. I've just gotta take care of things myself."

....on winning despite your background 

p. 112 As they sat at the starting line, in the City of Seattle, rolling with the choppy waves, waiting for the crack in the starting gun, with rainwater running down their necks and backs and dripping from their noses, the question wasn't whether they were strong or skilled enough. The real question was whether they had the maturity and discipline to keep their minds in the boat. Could they focus? Or would their anger and fear and uncertainty unhinge them? 
(spoiler: they won)

....on 1+1 being much more than 2

p. 140 There was a straightforward reason for what was happening. The boys in the Husky Clipper were all tough, they were all skilled, they were all fiercely determined, but they were also all good-hearted. Every one of them had come from humble originas or had been humbled by the hard demands of rowing. Life, and the challenges they had faced togehter, had also taught them humility - that there were limits to their individual powers. They had learned that there were things they could od far better together than alone. They were starting to row, now for one another, not just for themselves, and it made all the difference.

Fear (Bob Woodward)

 

Bob Woodward is a renound reporter who has interviewed presidents and other politicians for generations and so I trust his work. That was the only reason I picked up this book. It wasn't because I want to relive all the crazy stories of the Trump presidency. He reveals that Trump wasn't qualified when he ran for president and he didn't do anything to improve his qualifications. The number of times people would ask him why he had a certain view and he'd answer, "I just do" despite all evidence pointing in the exact opposite direction. People around him did dances of secrecy and trickery to swipe papers off his desk that he wanted to sign. He'd forget about it for a while like a child playing peek-a-boo. Staff openly talked about how to protect the country from him. I was kind of hoping to get some insight into why people voted for him and continue to support him. The only thing I can come up with after reading this book is that they believed his lies that he said again and again despite all evidence to the contrary. It's astounding. This presidency will not spawn inter-generational respect. It will provide for some very entertaining history class lessons in the future. Kids will shake their heads and wonder what the hell was wrong with their parents and grandparents.

Goodreads says:

With authoritative reporting honed through eight presidencies from Nixon to Obama, author Bob Woodward reveals in unprecedented detail the harrowing life inside President Donald Trump’s White House and precisely how he makes decisions on major foreign and domestic policies. Woodward draws from hundreds of hours of interviews with firsthand sources, meeting notes, personal diaries, files and documents. The focus is on the explosive debates and the decision-making in the Oval Office, the Situation Room, Air Force One and the White House residence.

Fear is the most intimate portrait of a sitting president ever published during the president’s first years in office.

Circling The Sun (Paula McLain)

 

Goodreads says:

Brought to Kenya from England as a child and then abandoned by her mother, Beryl Markham is raised by both her father and the native Kipsigis tribe who share his estate. Her unconventional upbringing transforms Beryl into a bold young woman with a fierce love of all things wild and an inherent understanding of nature’s delicate balance. But even the wild child must grow up, and when everything Beryl knows and trusts dissolves, she is catapulted into a string of disastrous relationships. Beryl forges her own path as a horse trainer, and her uncommon style attracts the eye of the Happy Valley set, a decadent, bohemian community of European expats who also live and love by their own set of rules. But it’s the ruggedly charismatic Denys Finch Hatton who ultimately helps Beryl navigate the uncharted territory of her own heart. The intensity of their love reveals Beryl’s truest self and her fate: to fly. 


My review:
I read this book for book club and didn't realize at first that it was a true story. That explained all the long detail about relationships with this person and that person that went nowhere. I was inspired by her ability to keep going despite seeming to have everything against her. She was abandoned by her mother at age 4 (bizarre turn of events) and raised by her father in Africa (Mom got tired of the African life). She rubbed shoulders with the richest of the rich, and went in cycles from poverty to great success. 

Memorable quotes:

p. 132 The more things change the more they stay the same:
"There are some women who'd be expecting a fellow to step up and get serious at some point."
"I that what you're worried about? I can't seem to get rid of teh husband I've got, and anyway, what I'd realy like to know is how it feels to be on my own. Not someone's daughter or wife, I mean...but my own person."

"Oh." It seemed I'd surprised him. "There isn't a lot of that kind of thinking around here."

"Of course there is," I told him, trying to draw a smile. "It's just usually a man who's doing it."

p. 167 Clara's mother to Beryl, after returning to Africa when Beryl was an adult:
"Harry was the joy of my life." Clara's mouth trembled. Her eyes silvered with tears. "You've no idea how hard it's been, wit hthe debts and the uncertainty. And now I'm alone again."

*blink*blink* This coming from a mother who abandoned her daughter. Bizarre.

p. 171 More on Beryl's fragile mother (and who is the total opposite of Beryl):

"I really am sorry for your trouble, "Karen said again and again.

"It's not your fault," Clara assured her, gathering damp bits of her hair into hairpins. But something in her tone told me she did hold Karen responsible - or perhaps me instead. I suppose it wasn't a great surprise to see she had very little gumption or resilience, and yet it made me sad for her. How dreadful it would be if everything toppled you and you folded in. Rain, for instance, not to mention the loss of a husband. She was s pitiful I shouldn't have been irritated with her, but I couldn't help it. By dinnertime, I was too fed up with the whole situation and bolded for Soysambu and my horses - for work, which was never mysterious and never failed to soothe me.

p. 204: This reminded me of the Bible story of the woman caught in adultery. It is after a terrible confrontation with her first husband:
He shrugged. "We're all very liberal until something shines a light on us. Somehow everyone undertands a husband's jealous raging more than a wife's.....indiscretions. It's not fair, but what is?"

p. 302 On society's expectations of women (which Beryl was never very good at meeting):

"Surely you'll stop riding....at least until the aby is born. You have to take care of yourself."
"This is how I take care of myself, don't you see? If we have this baby, I'll need to do my work just as before. I don't know any other way to live."

p. 307 On their impending family:
My body would transform first, and then everything else would follow. I still cared for Mansfield, but I also felt as if I'd boarded a train meant for one place and was no irrevocably going somewhere else entirely. The whole situation made me feel desperate.

p 308 Is this why people have affairs?
....I felt a surge of guilt and awareness. I wasn't trying to toy with Mansfield exactly, but I had been flirting with the princes. In a way, I couldn't help myself. It felt marvelous to smile and make Harry smile, too, or to walk off in a particular way and know that David's eyes were on me. It was childish, and also futile, but for those moments, I believe I was free-spirited and alluring again, as if I still had some measure of control in the world.

p. 341 On knowing when it's time to move on:

"Who has the privilege of knowing what's possible, or the burden, for that matter? I can tell you, though, that I never thought I could leave. I think that's what the dreams mean. I'm not leaving Africa, but slowly, ever so slowly, Africa has begun to seep out of me.

p. 346 When two women love the same man (but actually, neither ever really had him in this case) and how death seals some things that actually never were:

During the brief service, Karen's head sagged to her chest, and I felt a strong urge to go to her. I was the one person there who knew precisely what she'd lost in Denys; she was the only one who could have understood the weight and colour of my sorrow, too. But a shift had taken place, and it held me back. She was his publicly acknowledged widow now. The gods may have stolen him from her, but with his death, she had won him back. No one could challenge their bond, or doubt how she loved him. Or how truly he'd been hers. One day she was going to write about him-write him in such a way that would sela the two of them together forever. And from those pages, I would be absent.

p. 347 Is this the reason for the title? (I really couldn't figure the title out):
We had both tried for the sun, and had fallen, lurching to earth again, tasting melted wax and sorrow. Denys wasn't hers or mine. 

He belonged to no one and never had.

Adrian Simcox Does Not Have A horse (Marcy Campbell)

 

This book would be a great transition book from our friendship unit to imagination!

Goodreads says:

Adrian Simcox tells anyone who will listen that he has a horse--the best and most beautiful horse anywhere.

But Chloe does NOT believe him. Adrian Simcox lives in a tiny house. Where would he keep a horse? He has holes in his shoes. How would he pay for a horse?

The more Adrian talks about his horse, the angrier Chloe gets. But when she calls him out at school and even complains about him to her mom, Chloe doesn't get the vindication she craves. She gets something far more important. 

Trevor and Me (Yuno)

 

I received this book from the author. She found me on Goodreads and asked if I'd review her book. It was flattering to have had her seek me out. I promised I'd write a review, so here goes! The story is about a young girl who becomes friends with an old man. He soon dies and she is sad. However, ping! A coffee bean hits her. It's a sign. She sees other signs that remind her of her friendship with Trevor and she is comforted. I felt like there were a bunch of important facts missing. How did this young girl become friends with Trevor? Call me a pessimist, but I questioned his intentions.  "When I'm with Trevor, I have so much fun!" Really?  There are other books on death that children might relate to a little better. Look up the tag death on my blog and you will find a few for adults and children. IHaveABookYouShouldRead.blogspot.ca  I hope writing the book gave the author some comfort over losing her friend though. Goodreads says: Trevor and Me defies the boundaries of age, gender and race. It is a heartwarming story about reincarnation based on the real-life friendship between an elderly Caucasian man and a young Asian girl. As Trevor's health starts to decline and he prepares to die, he promises to always be with the girl even after he's gone. Trevor dies and the girl is filled with grief until one day she begins to receive signs to let her know Trevor is and always will be with her.

The Last Meal (Yuno)

 

I received this book from the author. She found me on Goodreads and asked if I'd review her book. It was flattering to have had her seek me out. .I promised I'd write a review, so here goes! 

This is an interesting read. It is a number of stories of people on death row and what they order for their last meal. All the characters are presented as animals, more specifically, birds - which is interesting and could be something interesting to discuss. The stories are sad and rather touching. 

I really have no use for the book though. I live in Canada and we don't execute people. I read children's literature because I like to infuse it into my lessons as much as possible. I'm pretty sure I won't have a place for this one....except for maybe that kid who needs a stern warning if they don't shape up bad things are ahead. LOL

I think if I could make a recommendation to the author, it would be to revisit the topic, but write for adults. I don't think this is really a topic for a picture book - unless there are adults who really prefer to read picture books!

Goodreads says:

The Last Meal compassionately tackles a difficult and controversial subject to educate readers about the death penalty. The story follows four fictional death row inmates on their final days before their executions. All of the characters are adorable birds who must face the consequence of their actions. Chase, Peter, Fred and James are each given the same opportunity to have one last special meal of their choosing to reflect on the past and find closure as they come to the end of their life.  

The Art Of Her Deal (Mary Jordan)

 

I am not sure if this is an authorized biography or not. The author did interview Melania Trump, so maybe it is. It is an interesting and quick read. Bottom line: Melania is focused and shrewd and knows how to get what she wants. She is not a victim at all. No more need for #freeMelania. She has a marriaged that is arranged just the way she wants it. 

When I read Michelle Obama's book I was struck by how they are just really good people. With this book, I'm struck by how calculating and laser focused the Trump's are on getting what they want. Ugh.

Ghoulia: Making Friends Can Be Scary

 

Super cute and fun for Halloween! The ending was a BIG surprise for my class! We read the story on the Epic website.

Goodreads says:

Ghoulia lives in Crumbling Manor with her Auntie Departed and spends most of her time playing with Tragedy, her beloved albino greyhound. But things aren’t as easy as they seem for this little zombie girl—all she wants is a real friend. She tries to venture past the manor’s walls, but she can’t hide her pale green skin or the deep purple circles under her eyes. The other children will be afraid of her, and no one will want to be her friend. But when Halloween rolls around, Ghoulia hatches a brilliant plan. All the other, ordinary children will be dressed up like monsters, so Ghoulia can go out into the town and be entirely herself. In the end, all the kids realize that Ghoulia is (almost) just like them and learn that friendship can come in many forms.

Drawn Together (Minh Le and Dan Santat)

 

This book is beautiful! The illustrations are amazing and the author's and the illustrator's story behind it is amazing. We used this as part of our friendship unit. We can be friends with people that are not our own age!

This book would be good to go back to when we do our biographies in class.

Goodreads says:

When a young boy visits his grandfather, their lack of a common language leads to confusion, frustration, and silence. But as they sit down to draw together, something magical happens-with a shared love of art and storytelling, the two form a bond that goes beyond words.

It's Monday, What Are You Reading?

 

My co-worked recommended this book to me. I'm a little nervous about it. I feel like it's going to be a heart-breaking story. 

The Chocolate Touch is our lunch time read-aloud. Looking forward to it!

From The Ashes (Jesse Thistle)

 

This is a story that many wouldn't read because there's so much that is difficult to read about - addiction, homelessness, crime. The only way to get an idea of why some people end up with the lives they do though is to read the details. It's sad and difficult but worth the time if you really want to get a perspective on this topic.

Most of this story is hard. Near the end, he finally makes it through rehab and ends up marrying someone who helps him keep his life together. It all seems to happen really fast in the book - but my guess is it wasn't really fast in real life. 

Goodreads says:

In this extraordinary and inspiring debut memoir, Jesse Thistle—once a high school dropout and now a rising Indigenous scholar—chronicles his life on the streets and how he overcame trauma and addiction to discover the truth about who he is.

If I can just make it to the next minute . . . then I might have a chance to live; I might have a chance to be something more than just a struggling crackhead.

From the Ashes is a remarkable memoir about hope and resilience, and a revelatory look into the life of a Métis-Cree man who refused to give up.

Abandoned by his parents as a toddler, Jesse Thistle briefly found himself in the foster-care system with his two brothers, cut off from all they had known. Eventually the children landed in the home of their paternal grandparents, but their tough-love attitudes meant conflicts became commonplace. And the ghost of Jesse’s drug-addicted father haunted the halls of the house and the memories of every family member. Struggling, Jesse succumbed to a self-destructive cycle of drug and alcohol addiction and petty crime, spending more than a decade on and off the streets, often homeless. One day, he finally realized he would die unless he turned his life around.

In this heartwarming and heartbreaking memoir, Jesse Thistle writes honestly and fearlessly about his painful experiences with abuse, uncovering the truth about his parents, and how he found his way back into the circle of his Indigenous culture and family through education.

An eloquent exploration of what it means to live in a world surrounded by prejudice and racism and to be cast adrift, From the Ashes is, in the end, about how love and support can help one find happiness despite the odds.

Fourth Grade Rats (Jerry Spinelli)

 

We read 3rd Grade Angels and decided to continue on to 4th Grade rats. I'm not so sure it was a good idea though. My students were a little disturbed by the bad behavior of kids in this story. That's probably a good thing. I even had a student who decided to try some of the rat strategies in this book: ignore things adults tell you to do (or not do), never apologize and break the rules whenever you can. I think I'll save myself from that headache in the future. Of course, I'm not sure there's another student that will ever be quite like the student who decided to act out just like the 4th grade rats.

I have enjoyed many Jerry Spinelli books. Not this one though.

Goodreads says:

A fast, fun, friendship read from the Newbery-award winning author of Maniac Magee.

Fourth graders are tough. They aren't afraid of spiders. They say no to their moms. They push first graders off the swings. And they never, ever cry.
Suds knows that now that he's in fourth grade, he's supposed to be a rat. But whenever he tries to act like one, something goes wrong. Can Suds's friend Joey teach him to toughen up...or will Suds remain a fourth grade wimp? 

The Kiss That Missed (David Melling)

 

Super cute and funny. It's a good lesson in slowing down and enjoying each other. A great message for our pandemic times!

Goodreads says:

One evening, when the King is in a hurry, his goodnight kiss to the Little Prince goes astray. After rattling around the Prince's bedroom, it flies out the window and floats into the dark forest, where it has no business to be. The King decides to do something about it. He orders the Knight to climb on his horse, ride into the forest, and bring back the kiss. But the forest is filled with spooky things that frighten both the Knight and his horse. How will they ever succeed in bringing the kiss back to the castle? This funny story features Daivd Melling's atmospheric and richly colored illustrations on every page. It makes a great bedtime story for kids who are about the same age as the Little Prince. (Ages 4-7)

Secret of the Peaceful Warrior (Dan Millman)

 

We just started a unit on friendship and this was a great connection to many of the topics that have come up lately: bullying, what goes around comes around, friendship between genders and more. 

The best part was that my class was totally captured by the story. It's really fun to read a book that really grabs their attention. This was a great one for that!

Goodreads says:

When Danny's family moves to a new neighborhood, he is confronted by a frightening bully. One night in a dream, Danny meets an old man with shining white hair--a man who will soon appear in real life and share a wonderful secret. An inspirational story about courage and love. Full-color illustrations.

Third Grade Angels (Spinelli)

 

This was our first read aloud of the year. I really have always enjoyed Jerry Spinelli books and this one did not disappoint. My class enjoyed the story and it set a great tone for our classroom.

Goodreads says:

The long-awaited prequel to the bestseller FOURTH GRADE RATS

George, aka "Suds," has just entered third grade, and he's heard the rhyme about "first grade babies/second grade cats/third grade angels/fourth grade rats," but what does this mean for his school year? It means that his teacher, Mrs. Simms, will hold a competition every month to see which student deserves to be awarded "the halo" - which student is best-behaved, kindest to others, and, in short, perfect. Suds is determined to be the first to earn the halo, but he's finding the challenge of always being good to be more stressful than he had anticipated. Does he have to be good even outside of school? (Does he have to be nice to his annoying little sister?) And if Mrs. Simms doesn't actually see him doing a good deed, does it even count?

A warm, funny retu

It's Monday, What Are You Reading

 Last week I did listen to The Gown again. I love that book. I think I'm going to give up on Multipliers. It's just not doing it for me. 

This week we will finish 3rd Grade Angels and move on to 4th Grade Rats as our class read aloud.

We have had some interesting conversations about pandemics, riots and Black Lives Matter in my classroom thanks for our friendship topic. I decided to do some book talks on some Dear Canada books that talk about things in our history. If I Die Before I Wake is about the flu pandemic of 1918. I'll be reading this during DEAR time in class.

I hope to also read an upcoming book club book....Circling the Sun at home in the evenings.

It's Monday, What Are You Reading?

 I'm taking a break from terrible leadership to genius leadership by reading Multipliers.

Third Grade Angels is our read aloud for this week. We will likely finish it this week and move on to Fourth Grade Rats by the same author.

I've read The Gown before but I'm leading a discussion on it for book club this month so I'm thinking I better re-read it. This might be a little too much for this week, but we'll see. I feel like I need some escape time and reading is just the key for that.

Too Much And Never Enough (Mary Trump)

 

I don't know if those who are Trump fans would ever read this. It explains a lot though. An interesting perspective from a disfavored part of the Trump family. 

He needs psychological help. It's not totally his fault. It's generational. The USA will suffer because of him.

Goodreads says:

In this revelatory, authoritative portrait of Donald J. Trump and the toxic family that made him, Mary L. Trump, a trained clinical psychologist and Donald’s only niece, shines a bright light on the dark history of their family in order to explain how her uncle became the man who now threatens the world’s health, economic security, and social fabric.

Mary Trump spent much of her childhood in her grandparents’ large, imposing house in the heart of Queens, where Donald and his four siblings grew up. She describes a nightmare of traumas, destructive relationships, and a tragic combination of neglect and abuse. She explains how specific events and general family patterns created the damaged man who currently occupies the Oval Office, including the strange and harmful relationship between Fred Trump and his two oldest sons, Fred Jr. and Donald.

A first-hand witness to countless holiday meals and family interactions, Mary brings an incisive wit and unexpected humor to sometimes grim, often confounding family events. She recounts in unsparing detail everything from her uncle Donald’s place in the family spotlight and Ivana’s penchant for re-gifting to her grandmother’s frequent injuries and illnesses and the appalling way Donald, Fred Trump’s favorite son, dismissed and derided him when he began to succumb to Alzheimer’s.

Numerous pundits, armchair psychologists, and journalists have sought to parse Donald J. Trump’s lethal flaws. Mary L. Trump has the education, insight, and intimate familiarity needed to reveal what makes Donald, and the rest of her clan, tick. She alone can recount this fascinating, unnerving saga, not just because of her insider’s perspective but also because she is the only Trump willing to tell the truth about one of the world’s most powerful and dysfunctional families. 

IMWAYR

 

I'm reading Too Much and Never Enough. It's kind of like rubber necking to watch a train wreck. Salacious. That's all. 

I'm back to school and it's time for read-alouds!

IMWAYR

 This weekend it is back to school for teachers! I am entering a new phase of life where I no longer need to drive my kids to school and so I have a goal to walk to school each day. Well, perhaps three day a week. We'll see. My goal is a work in progress. 

This week, I am under no illusion that it is going to be nothing but overwhelming. I have a feeling I won't have much time for leisurely reading as I get back into the life of full-time work. My plan to stay up on reading is to enjoy an audio book while I'm walking! This week's book is Better than Before by Gretchen Rubin. I've read it a number of times and always learn something new each time.

Becoming (Michelle Obama)

 

My big take away from this book is that Michelle Obama is really a good person who works hard to become the best person she can be. She's someone I'd want to have in my life. Imagine if she was part of our Mastermind Group?  Bottom line: She is smart and fun and someone who makes me want to be a better person.

On Goodreads I often read the people who give a book just one star. Not surprisingly, most of them are people who can't get past the politics. They are determined to not like anyone who isn't part of their party. 

Some quotes:

p. 75 On finding your place amongst people: 

It's hard to put into words what sometimes you pick up in the ether, the quiet, cruel nuances of not belonging - the subtle cues that tell you to not risk anything, to find your people and just stay put.

p. 81 On accepting differences:

...thanks to Suzanne [her friend at University that was opposite of her in so many ways, yet they had a great friendship], I am still coexisting with that guy to this day. This is what a control freak learns inside the compressed otherworld of college, maybe above all else: there are simply other ways of being.

p. 283 On being married to a leader:

There is no handbook for the incoming First Ladies of the United States. It's not technically a job, nor is it an official government title. It comes with no salary and no spelled out est of obligations. It's a strange kind of sidecar to the presidency, a seat that by the time I came to it had already been occupied by more than forty-three different women, each of whom had done it in her own way.

[It's just like women in the church! So many roles with no handbook]

p. 407 On the decline of civility since Donald Trump came on the scene:

Since childhood, I'd believed it was important to speak out against bullies while also not stooping to their level. And to be clear, we were now up against a bully, a man who among other things, demeaned minorities and expressed contempt for prisoners of war, challenging the dignity of our country with practically his every utterance. I wanted American to understand that words matter - that the hateful language they heard coming from their TVs did not reflect the true spirit of our country and that we could vote against it. It was dignity I wanted to make an appeal for - the idea that as a nation we might hold on to the core thing that had sustained my family, going back generations. Dignity had always gotten us through. It was a choice, and not always the easy one, but the people I respected most i life made it again and again, every single day. There was a motto Barrack and I tried to live by, and I offered it that night from the stage: When they go low, we go high.

p. 408 On reporting on Trump's Access Hollywood tape reporting:

In the end, the standards of decency were simply lowered in order to make room for the candidate's voice.

p. 411 On the 2016 election:

In the end,Hillary Clinton won nearly three million more votes than her opponent, but Trump had captured the Electoral College thanks to fewer than 80,000 votes spread across Pennsylvania, Wisconsin and Michigan. I am not a political person, so I'm not going to attempt to offer an analysis of the results. I won't try to speculate about who was responsible or what was unfair. I just wish more people had turned out to vote. And I will always wonder about what led many women, in particular, to reject an exceptionally qualified female candidate and instead choose a misogynist as their president. But the result was now ours to live with.

p. 414 On her goals as First Lady:
....we'd focused ourselves on doing more than trending for a few hours on Twitter. And we had results. 45 million kids were eating healthier breakfasts and lunches; 11 million tsudents were getting 60 minutes of physical activity every day through our Let's Move! Active Schools program. Children overall were eating more whole grains and produce. The era of supersized fast food was coming to a close.

[I wonder how Melania feels about her Be Better campaign...considering her husband's tweets and name-calling]

Goodreads says:

In a life filled with meaning and accomplishment, Michelle Obama has emerged as one of the most iconic and compelling women of our era. As First Lady of the United States of America—the first African American to serve in that role—she helped create the most welcoming and inclusive White House in history, while also establishing herself as a powerful advocate for women and girls in the U.S. and around the world, dramatically changing the ways that families pursue healthier and more active lives, and standing with her husband as he led America through some of its most harrowing moments. Along the way, she showed us a few dance moves, crushed Carpool Karaoke, and raised two down-to-earth daughters under an unforgiving media glare.

In her memoir, a work of deep reflection and mesmerizing storytelling, Michelle Obama invites readers into her world, chronicling the experiences that have shaped her—from her childhood on the South Side of Chicago to her years as an executive balancing the demands of motherhood and work, to her time spent at the world’s most famous address. With unerring honesty and lively wit, she describes her triumphs and her disappointments, both public and private, telling her full story as she has lived it—in her own words and on her own terms. Warm, wise, and revelatory, Becoming is the deeply personal reckoning of a woman of soul and substance who has steadily defied expectations—and whose story inspires us to do the same.

It's Monday, What Are You Reading?

These are the two books I plan to finish this week: