Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents (Lindsay Gibson)

 

The chapter on how children react differently to emotionally immature parents was really helpful for understanding some people.

Notes:

The last chapters were my favorites....although, the background from the first chapters is probably what made them so good.

Chapter 8

Our early dependance on our parents creates patterns. As an adult, don't expect the relationship to get better. That requires two people and isn't always possible. Try to relate to your parent in a neutral way. Approach interactions between the two of you on an observational perspective. Manage the interaction rather than engaging emotionally.

You can't expect immature people to be different than they are - but you can decide on your own goals for interactions. You might have a goal to express yourself, even though you're nervous. You can't make the other party understand - but you can control how you communicate. Focus on the outcome, not the relationship. If you focus on the relationship and try to improve it, an interaction with an emotionally immature person will deteriorate and then you'll be disappointed at the lack of improvement.

Managing, not engaging: Instead of emotionally engaging with immature people, set a goal of managing interaction, including length of time and topics. Gently ease past uncomfortable topics. Be prepared to respond with the exact same thing as many times as necessary. Also manage your own emotions by observing and narrating your feelings to yourself, rather than becoming reactive.

Observe objectively and manage the interaction when the interactions don't go well.

Mentally describe what's happening when conversations go awry. It allows you to move from the emotional part of your brain to the logical part. Another strategy is to count. "How long did your parent go on that time?" You could look at a clock and decide how much longer you're going to listen. When time is up, politely interrupt and disengage.

Be okay with doing what is all you can emotionally do. Just relate as a fellow adult, not a child hoping for a parent to give the love you need. Step out of your old role self. This is where emotional healing begins.

Chapter 9

Your first job is really your own self care. You no longer have to exhaust yourself with excessive empathy for others so that you can find acceptance and love. 

Chapter 10 Identifying Emotionally Mature People

1. They're realistic and reliable

2. They work with reality rather than fighting it. They see problems and try to fix them. If changes aren't possible, they try to make the best of what they've got.

3. They can feel and think at the same time. Because of this, it is easy to work things out with them. 

4. Their consistency makes them reliable. They have an integrated sense of self and will respond basically the same across different situations.

5. They don't take everything personally. They can laugh at themself and their foibles. They realize they're fallible and are doing the best they can. They realize people can put their foot in their mouth now and then and forgive people for social gaffs. It's just a mistake, not a rejection.

6. They're respectful and reciprocal. It feels like they're looking out for you.

7. They respect your boundaries. 

8. They tune into how other people are feeling. Their ability to tune into people's feelings becomes second nature. Emotionally immature people tell you what you really meant. It's motivated by a desire to be in control. Mature people don't pretend to know you better than you know yourself. 

9. They give back. They want to help and are generous with their time. They will give back more than they get for a while, but won't continue relationships that seem too unbalanced. 

10. They try to be fair and objective. If you have to change your plans, they don't feel personally rejected. They can let you know if they're disappointed without holding it against you. They will give you the benefit of the doubt. They're collaborative and open to other's ideas. When you work together, both of you feel satisfied. Compromise means a mutual balancing of desires. (Emotionally immature people pressure people into unbalanced compromises and they think relationships are about compromise).

11. They're even tempered (the sooner temper shows up in a relationship, the more of a red flag it is. Emotionally immature people show anger by withdrawing love). Emotionally mature people will ask you what's wrong and work to solve the conflict. They won't give you the silent treatment.

12. They are willing to be influenced. They have a secure sense of self. They don't feel threatened or feel weak when others see things differently. They'll listen and try to understand your point of view.

13. They're truthful. Telling the truth is the basis of trust. They understand why you're upset if they lied or gave you a false impression. When honesty really counts, they're genuine and forthcoming. 

14. Their empathy makes you feel safe. Along with self-awareness, empathy is the soul of emotional intelligence, guiding people towards pro-social behavior and fairness in dealing with others. Non-empathetic people overlook your feelings. 

15. They make you feel seen and understood. They remember things you've told them and bring it up later. 

16. They see you positively and keep a mental library of your best qualities. They seem to know you better than you know yourself. You feel like you can be completely yourself with them. The more you share with them, the more they share with you. 

17. They aren't afraid of your emotions. They don't tell you you should be feeling another way. 

18. They like to comfort and be comforted. They have an emotional engagement instinct that works naturally. They know how important friendly support can be.

19. They reflect on their actions and try to change. They understand how people affect each other emotionally. They're willing to absorb feedback. They have interest in and curiosity about other people's impressions and are willing to take action as a result of self-reflection. If you're clear about what bothers you, they'll listen and attempt to change as appropriate.

20. They can laugh and be playful. They can use light heartedness to relieve stress. Emotionally immature people use humor that makes fun of people so that they feel better about themself. Humor with an edge such as sarcasm. In excess, it reflects cynicism, which is hard to live with.

21. They're enjoyable to be around. They have an overall positive vibe. For the most part, they're able to generate their own good feelings and enjoy life. 

When meeting people on-line:

- all personal writing reveals something about what people think

- reading what people have written gives you time to reflect on how they make you feel

- are they respectful of your boundaries in how fast or slow they want to get to know you? Are they okay with your pace of responding?

- are they reciprocal? Do they reference what you said in your previous message or do they immediately launch into something else?

- is it easy to schedule things with them?

- take a moment to jot down your thoughts after reading their profile...how do feel inside? Will you feel comfortable being yourself or do you need to watch what you say and how you say it?

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I asked AI to make a list of action items from the book to help readers heal, set boundaries and grow emotionally as well as a worksheet: 

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🌱 1. Identify Emotionally Immature Behaviors

• Reflect on your childhood to recognize traits like:

  • Lack of empathy from parents

  • Chronic invalidation of your emotions

  • Parentification (you taking care of the parent)

• Journal examples of when your emotional needs were dismissed or ignored.

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🛡️ 2. Learn Emotional Boundaries

• Practice saying “no” or expressing discomfort even when it feels hard.

• Use “I” statements (e.g., “I feel uncomfortable when...”) to communicate needs.

• Limit contact or set time boundaries with emotionally immature individuals.

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🧠 3. Stop Taking It Personally

• Remind yourself that their behavior is about them, not your worth.

• Use cognitive reframing to recognize that emotional immaturity stems from their limitations, not your failings.

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💬 4. Engage with Emotionally Safe People

• Seek out relationships where emotional reciprocity, empathy, and support exist.

• Build a "support team" of friends, therapists, or support groups.

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🧘 5. Reparent Yourself

• Practice self-compassion daily: “I am worthy of love and respect.”

• Develop internal validation: Check in with your feelings and affirm them.

• Nurture your inner child with affirming messages and care routines.

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📚 6. Learn About Emotional Maturity

• Understand traits of emotional maturity: accountability, empathy, consistency.

• Model these traits in your own behavior and relationships.

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🧩 7. Stop Over-Explaining or People-Pleasing

• Give brief, clear answers—don’t justify or over-defend your decisions.

• Practice tolerating the discomfort of someone’s disapproval or confusion.

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🛠️ 8. Use the "Observer Self"

• Notice your reactions with curiosity rather than judgment.

• Step back mentally during interactions to reduce reactivity.

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🔄 9. Break the Cycle

• Consciously choose new ways of relating to others—especially in conflict.

• Acknowledge patterns that don’t serve you and experiment with alternatives.

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🧠 Healing from Emotionally Immature Parents – Self-Reflection Worksheet

Name: _________________________  Date: ___________________

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1. Recognize Emotionally Immature Behaviors

Reflect on behaviors you experienced growing up.

List 3 examples where your emotions were dismissed or ignored:

• ---

• ---

• ---

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2. Define Healthy Boundaries

What boundary do you need to set with someone in your life?

🗒️ Example: I will not answer calls after 8 PM.

• ---

How will you express this boundary clearly and calmly?

• ---

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3. Detangle From Guilt or Shame

What negative message did you internalize from your upbringing?

• ---

Write a new, self-compassionate belief to replace it:

💬 “__________________________________________________________”

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4. Build Emotional Safety

List 2 people you feel emotionally safe with and why:

• ______________________________________ – Why: ___________________________

• ______________________________________ – Why: ___________________________

One way I can nurture a healthy relationship this week:

• ---

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5. Practice Self-Reparenting

Write a message your younger self needed to hear:

💌 “Dear younger me, _______________________________________________________”

What’s one comforting thing you can do for yourself this week?

🛁 Walk / rest / journal / art / other: ____________________________________________

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6. Notice and Reframe

Describe a recent situation that triggered an old emotional wound:

• ---

What was your automatic thought or reaction?

• ---

What might a mature, self-supporting perspective sound like?

• ---

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7. Stop Over-Explaining

What’s one recent time you over-explained yourself?

• ---

Practice a shorter, more confident response:

💬 “__________________________________________________________”

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8. Use the Observer Self

Write about a time you stayed calm and curious instead of reacting:

• ---

What did you notice about your feelings in that moment?

• ---

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9. Break the Cycle

What is one generational pattern you are consciously changing?

• ---

What’s one action you can take this week to reinforce that change?

✅ ________________________________________________________

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📅 Weekly Check-In

• One boundary I honored: ___________________________________

• One thing I did for myself: _________________________________

• One lesson I learned: ______________________________________

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Let me know if you'd like a version with checkboxes or in PDF format!

Goodreads says:

If you grew up with an emotionally immature, unavailable, or selfish parent, you may have lingering feelings of anger, loneliness, betrayal, or abandonment. You may recall your childhood as a time when your emotional needs were not met, when your feelings were dismissed, or when you took on adult levels of responsibility in an effort to compensate for your parent’s behavior. These wounds can be healed, and you can move forward in your life.

In this breakthrough book, clinical psychologist Lindsay Gibson exposes the destructive nature of parents who are emotionally immature or unavailable. You will see how these parents create a sense of neglect, and discover ways to heal from the pain and confusion caused by your childhood. By freeing yourself from your parents’ emotional immaturity, you can recover your true nature, control how you react to them, and avoid disappointment. Finally, you’ll learn how to create positive, new relationships so you can build a better life.

Discover the four types of difficult parents:

The emotional parent instills feelings of instability and anxiety

The driven parent stays busy trying to perfect everything and everyone

The passive parent avoids dealing with anything upsetting

The rejecting parent is withdrawn, dismissive, and derogatory

Emma and Kate (Patricia Polacco)

 

After we discussed what genre this story was, my students had many reasons why it was fantasy fiction. However, someone asked why some of the pictures were black and white and some were in color. We went back and looked at it. Suddenly one student brought up the idea that Kate might be imaginary because she told her parents about Kate and they said that she has such a good imagination. After that, we had a great discussion about their imaginary friends.

Goodreads says:

That adorable Emma Kate has an imaginary friend.They walk to school together every morning, and sit together in class.They sleep over at each other’s houses, and do their homework side by side.They even have their tonsils out and eat gallons of pink ice cream together. But a hilarious twist ending will have readers realizing there’s more to this imaginary friend than meets the eye!

Another of Polacco’s immensely popular younger books, Emma Kate is a wonderfully original story of pretend play and real friendship.

Ratburger (David Walliams)

 

The quotes from other authors say David Walliams books are so funny. Kids do enjoy reading them. This is the second novel of his that I've read aloud. I'm not sure I'll do another one. They're just a little to crazy for me. My kids struggle with the British terms/words and I find myself having to "translate" as I read. It moved slow enough that when kids were absent, they didn't even ask about what they missed when they were absent. They were able to just continue with the story wherever we picked up. We read this one in June and didn't even finish it. No one even asked me to read it on the last day. I finished it after the kids were all gone and I have to say, I'm not sorry I didn't read the end aloud to them. It's kind of disturbing. 

I think he's trying to be a modern day Roald Dahl. That isn't helping the cause though. I'm not a huge fan of Roald Dahl either. I have enjoyed David Walliams picture books though. 

This one was a little disturbing....feeding ground up rats to kids and all. Zoe's stepmother is nasty. Her dad is absent. Kids are disturbingly mean. Maybe I'm just too old for this kind of humor. With all the books in the world, I can't say I'll encourage my students to read anymore of these.

Goodreads says:

The fifth screamingly funny novel from David Walliams, number one bestseller and fastest growing children's author in the country. Hot on the heels of bestselling Gangsta Granny comes another hilarious, action-packed and touching novel - the story of a little girl called Zoe. Things are not looking good for Zoe. Her stepmother Sheila is so lazy she gets Zoe to pick her nose for her. The school bully Tina Trotts makes her life a misery - mainly by flobbing on her head. And now the evil Burt from Burt's Burgers is after her pet rat! And guess what he wants to do with it? The clue is in the title...From the author that is being called 'a new Roald Dahl', Ratburger is not to be missed!

The One and Only Family (Katherine Applegate)

 

I loved The One and Only Ivan and the following books have also been amazing. This one is #4 in the series. Katherine Applegate did a masterful job of sharing the feelings of becoming a parent. I happened to be reading this around Father's Day and it seemed particularly profound as I thought of my own dad and my own years growing up.

The view of a father in this story is heart warming: 

p. 113 The moon is pouring liquid light onto the floor of the villa.

Once again, I check on Kinyani. She's asleep, and the infants are barely visible next to her, though every now and then I see a tiny foot kick or a little hand make a fist.

Maya reaches out to close the window shade, and I leap to my feet. No, I want to say. I need to see them.

She seems to understand how agitated I am, because she reconsiders, leaving the shade where it is.

All night. I watch them.

It's my job.

His tender care of his babies:

p. 127 Look at a gorilla infant's hand. Or a human baby's hand, if you don't have access to a newborn gorilla.

Which I suppose is quite likely.

How could anything possibly be so small and so perfect?

Now extend a finger, the way I am doing, the way every father since the beginning of time has done, and watch the way that tiny hand grabs hold as if it means the difference between life and death. Because perhaps it does.

My son is holding on to me.

Even Bob, Ivan's best friend who likes to sleep on his belly, feels the love of a father:

p. 133 "Anyway," Bob says, "it's all gorilla, all the time at our house. No offense, but sometimes I could use a good cartoon. Or a show starring a dog, at least."

You're the starring dog at Julia's house," I point out.

"Nope," Bob says. "That's Rowdy's job these days. And I don't mind a bit. He is awfully adorable."

"I don't think I've ever heard you say the word 'adorable' before," I tease.

"Gotta admit, it did leave a funny taste in my mouth. That's what kids'll do to ya. Soften you up. Make you say things like 'cute' and 'sweet' and 'please, how many more times can I ask you to stop eating Julia's flip-flops?" Bob laughs. "What're you gonna do? You gotta love 'em"

"Yes," I say, "you do."

I love his honesty about the difficulties of parenthood:

p. 146 With each reunion, there's been much exploring of the new grounds and the gorilla villa. And plenty of cooing and carrying on about the twins.

For the most part, we're all getting along. I'm happy to say, and I've adapted well to my role as silverback. 

There are hiccups, to be sure. The blackbacks can get too rambunctious. And I referee occasional squabbles over ripe fruit or sunny rocks. 

But it's nothing I can't handle.

If anything, I find the role of silverback much easier than the role of dad.

Troops have rules.

Toddlers do not.

 The 'go ask your mom' is universal! The twins ask Ivan about growing....getting taller, do your insides keep growing...how does that work?

p. 150 I knew I was in trouble. But then I remembered the go-to answer that has saved countless dads since the beginning of time.

"Good question," I said. "Go ask your mommy."

Ivan really struggles with whether or not he needs to tell his children about his background. Kinyani thinks they should be honest. He isn't so sure. (tough questions)

p. 176 Maybe Kinyani is okay with sharing with her past. But why should Tuma and Raji know about mine?

About my family, killed by poachers?

About how Tag and I were thrown into a crate and sent across the world?

About how she died of pneumonia soon after we arrived at our destination?

About my endless, humiliating years at the mall circus?

How would knowing about those things possibly help the twins? 

The children, however, do find out about his past because of the movie made about him. Ivan is thrown back into those memories of being at a baseball game, wearing a cap, balloons tied to his wrist, eating birthday cake, the mall's giant billboard. My heart broke for him.

p. 227 I feel shame and I don't know why.

What happened to my wasn't my fault.

it was the fault of cruel humans.

It was, I think suddenly, my father's fault, too.

....My domain. Once upon a time, that's what I used to call my cage at the circus.

Once upon a time.

Some stories should never be told.

p. 231 Above me, like a nightmare, more images flash on-screen.

I am wearing a cowboy hat.

I am painting a picture.

I am so cute.

I am so deeply, terribly sad.

His father taught him some good things that he continues to use:

p. 244 I think of my father, and then I remember it. The third rule.

A silverback loves.

But Ivan recovers his strength:

p. 249 The story - my story - has taken flight, like all stories do. I know there's no turning back.

You can't exile stories.

You can't ban truth.

You can't cage hope.

I know that now.

And in the author's note at the end, I thought this was profound. She talks about the power of stories and why we should share them with our children, the next generation.

p. 258 How can we deal with real threats like climate change while staying honest, hopeful, and encouraging?

Well, stories are one way. Kinyani wisely points out that a parent's most important job is not to protect young ones from the world. It is to prepare them for it. 

Goodreads says:

For more than a decade, readers have been enchanted by the modern classic The One and Only Ivan , a Newbery Award winner and a #1 New York Times bestseller, and by its bestselling sequels, The One and Only Bob and The One and Only Ruby . Powerhouse author Katherine Applegate invites readers back into Ivan’s world for one last adventure—his most exciting yet. Ivan has been happily living in a wildlife sanctuary, with his friend Ruby next door in the elephant enclosure, frequent visits from his canine friend Bob, and his mate Kinyani by his side. And in the happiest turn of all, Ivan and Kinyani have welcomed a set of twins to their family! Ivan loves being a papa, even though it can be hard sometimes. But as he navigates the joys and challenges of parenthood, he can’t help but recall his life before the glass walls of the mall circus, his own childhood in the jungle—and his own twin. In the tradition of timeless classics like Charlotte’s Web and Stuart Little , the one and only Katherine Applegate has crafted a poignant, delightful, heartbreaking, unforgettable final foray into the world of Ivan, the world’s favorite silverback.

Pirate Stew (Neil Gaiman)

 

I think it takes some practice to read this well. I kept trying to get into a rhythm but I kind of limped along. 

The story is hilarious and the kids totally got the terror of seeing the parents eat the left over stew at the end. Beware if you ever have a pirate babysit! 

Goodreads says:

Long John has a whole crew of wild pirates in tow, and - for two intrepid children - he's about to transform a perfectly ordinary evening into a riotous adventure beneath a pirate moon. It's time to make some PIRATE STEW.

Marvellously silly and gloriously entertaining, this tale of pirates, flying ships, donut feasts and some rather magical stew is perfect for all pirates, both young and old. With a deliciously rhyming text from master storyteller Neil Gaiman, and spellbinding illustrations by the supremely talented Chris Riddell, three-times-winner of the Kate Greenaway Medal, this is the picture book of the year! Joyful, quirky and action-packed, it makes a spectacular and magical gift.

Mascot (Antony John)

 

There is so much in this story (see the tags!) Noah is devious and cynical, and rightly so, after being dealt the terrible blow of being a paraplegic after an accident  where his dad died. It's a great story on the physical and emotional work it takes to overcome a tragedy. The characters are very realistic and quite likable, even when they're being rotten teenagers. 

Our book club had a great discussion about mascots, how they originated and the symbolism of mascots. We also talked about the dilemma of cell phones and distracted driving. Lots to discuss in this book!

Goodreads says:

Noah Savino has been stuck in a wheelchair for months. He hates the way people treat him like he’s helpless now. He’s sick of going to physical therapy, where he isn’t making any progress. He’s tired of not having control over his own body. And he misses playing baseball—but not as much as he misses his dad, who died in the car accident that paralyzed Noah.

Noah is scared he’ll never feel like his old self again. He doesn’t want people to think of him as different for the rest of his life. With the help of family and friends, he’ll have to throw off the mask he’s been hiding behind and face the fears that have kept him on the sidelines if he ever wants to move forward.

Fing (David Walliams)

 

I've never read a David Walliams book aloud before. I don't even think I've read one of his books...but I decided to read this one to my class because I felt like we needed something crazy that they'd really enjoy a good laugh about. When I was reading, my students had some serious belly laughs and it was a delight to see them enjoy it so much. It is especially "explosively funny" if you are 8 years old.

In this story, Myrtle is a terribly spoiled and rotten child. In the end, she gets her due....thank goodness! 

Goodreads says:

The jaw-achingly funny children’s book from No. 1 bestselling author David Walliams – a deliciously daft Tall Story of a child who had everything, but still wanted more. Illustrated by artistic genius, Tony Ross.

Meet the Meeks!

Myrtle Meek has everything she could possibly want. But everything isn’t enough. She wants more, more, MORE! When Myrtle declares she wants a FING, there’s only one problem… What is a FING?

Mr and Mrs Meek will do anything to keep their darling daughter happy, even visit the spooky library vaults to delve into the dusty pages of the mysterious Monsterpedia. Their desperate quest leads to the depths of the jungliest jungle where the rarest creatures can be found. But will they ever find a FING?

An explosively funny, totally surreal Tall Story about two perfectly nice parents and their unbelievably monstrous daughter from the phenomenal bestselling author David Walliams.

What Happened To You? (Oprah Winfrey and

 

 I listened to the audio book. It's mostly Bruce Perry but now and then Oprah interjects and asks questions as if she is interviewing him. Bruce Perry apparently has done a lot of work for her and with her with different people. One significant group was girls at the school Oprah started in Africa. He has also worked with children who survived cults as well as many other extremely traumatized individuals. It's clear he knows what he's talking about.

The gist of the book seems to be that we shouldn't be asking what is wrong with you, but instead, what happened to you. This brings about more understanding and compassion and leads to healing. 

My favorite part was the last chapter where Oprah shared her story and talked about how what happened to you can lead to your super power. Earlier in the book they had talked about how all super hero stories begin with a crisis. They become super heroes through an accidental tragedy. It's good to think of our trauma as something that can create greatness in us.

Goodreads says:

"Through this lens we can build a renewed sense of personal self-worth and ultimately recalibrate our responses to circumstances, situations, and relationships. It is, in other words, the key to reshaping our very lives.”
―Oprah Winfrey

This book is going to change the way you see your life.

Have you ever wondered "Why did I do that?" or "Why can't I just control my behavior?" Others may judge our reactions and think, "What's wrong with that person?" When questioning our emotions, it's easy to place the blame on ourselves; holding ourselves and those around us to an impossible standard. It's time we started asking a different question.

Through deeply personal conversations, Oprah Winfrey and renowned brain and trauma expert Dr. Bruce Perry offer a groundbreaking and profound shift from asking “What’s wrong with you?” to “What happened to you?” Our earliest experiences shape our lives far down the road, and What Happened to You? provides powerful scientific and emotional insights into the behavioral patterns so many of us struggle to understand.

Here, Winfrey shares stories from her own past, understanding through experience the vulnerability that comes from facing trauma and adversity at a young age. Joining forces with Dr. Perry, one of the world’s leading experts on childhood and brain development, Winfrey and Dr. Perry marry the power of storytelling with science to better understand and overcome the effects of our pasts.

In conversation throughout the book, the two focus on understanding people, behavior, and ourselves. It’s a subtle but profound shift in our approach to trauma, and it’s one that allows us to understand our pasts in order to clear a path to our future―opening the door to resilience and healing in a proven, powerful way.

The King of Jam Sandwiches (Eric Walters)

 

This is a great story! I love stories of people who figure out how to not just survive, but succeed in life despite everything being against them. The author (who is Canadian!) says this was a very personal story and that he also grew up in poverty. I was left wondering how much of it was directly from his life and how much he made up and who is the girl?! Is she a real person? It sounds like she is, from the afterward.

In some ways, we're all the underdog and this story inspires me to think I can do anything! 

I recently heard it won a 2021 Govenor General's Award for Young People's Literature.

Goodreads says:

★ "Tug at the heartstrings and tickle the funny bone...This warm tale is definitely one for the keeper shelves. Highly recommended."--School Library Journal, starred review

Thirteen-year-old Robbie leads a double life. It's just Robbie and his dad, but no one knows that his dad isn't like most parents. Sometimes he wakes Robbie up in the middle of the night to talk about dying. Sometimes he just leaves without telling Robbie where he's going. Once when Robbie was younger, he was gone for more than a week. Robbie was terrified of being left alone but even more scared of telling anyone in case he was put into foster care. No one can know. Until one day when Robbie has to show the tough new girl, Harmony, around school. Their first meeting ends horribly and she punches Robbie in the face. But eventually they come to realize that they have a lot more in common than they thought. Can Robbie's new friend be trusted to keep his secret?   

Where The Crawdads Sing (Delia Owens)

 

Kya is a girl who grows up alone because she is abandoned by everyone. Her father is abusive and this affects her mother so that she eventually leaves. She doesn't ever really recover from having her mother leave her, and eventually we find out that her mother never recovers from abandoning her children. No one really knows Kya. Even the people who do get close to her don't know her. She protects herself because of all the people that leave her. People make judgments about her and don't really ever give her a chance. It's heartbreaking to watch her endure the scorn from other people. Her ability to make sense of people through connections to her understanding of nature and animals is amazing. She has enough skills to survive on her own, but growing up so isolated really becomes a problem for her that she never really gets over. This was particularly interesting to think about in the midst of the pandemic right now where maintaining connections with people is not easy.

The wonderful thing about Kya is she really teaches that we can all do so much more than we think we can do. When things get really difficult, we usually find out we can do way more than we realize we can do. Kya pulls off everything she needs to do. She's witty and gritty and she gets it done.

When I finished this book I had just had to sit with the feeling it left me. The ending is a surprise and made me feel like I needed to sit and be in it for a while longer. 

This book reminded me of so many other books. It's a little bit like Hatchet because she has to survive on her own. It's a little bit like Tara Westover in Educated because her father is abusive and her family abandons her and even though she never goes to school, she learns to read, one day writes books and earns an honorary degree. It also reminded me of Looks Like Daylight, which was full of stories of First Nations kids and their connection to the land. It also has a murder trial just like To Kill A Mockingbird.

Meaning of the title: when Tate and Kya are looking for a place to hang out, her friend, Tate, suggests that they go somewhere “where the crawdads sing.” He explains to Kya that it means “far in the bush where critters are wild, still behaving like critters.”

Goodreads says:

For years, rumors of the “Marsh Girl” have haunted Barkley Cove, a quiet town on the North Carolina coast. So in late 1969, when handsome Chase Andrews is found dead, the locals immediately suspect Kya Clark, the so-called Marsh Girl. But Kya is not what they say. Sensitive and intelligent, she has survived for years alone in the marsh that she calls home, finding friends in the gulls and lessons in the sand. Then the time comes when she yearns to be touched and loved. When two young men from town become intrigued by her wild beauty, Kya opens herself to a new life–until the unthinkable happens.

Perfect for fans of Barbara Kingsolver and Karen Russell, Where the Crawdads Sing is at once an exquisite ode to the natural world, a heartbreaking coming-of-age story, and a surprising tale of possible murder. Owens reminds us that we are forever shaped by the children we once were, and that we are all subject to the beautiful and violent secrets that nature keeps. 

Spoiler alert:

Why did Kya keep the shell necklace?

The shell necklace that Kya gives to Chase becomes a manifestation of the dissonance between her desire to be loved and her wariness to let other people into her life. ... However, Kya ends up putting the shell on a necklace that she later gives to Chase as a gift.

New Kid (Jerry Craft)

First graphic novel of the summer! I definitely need to work on my graphic novel reading skills. I tend to read just the words rather than absorb the pictures and fly through these kinds of books. It took me about an hour to read this book. I definitely could have spent more time looking at the illustrations as much of the story is in its "non-verbal communication". 

This is a good quality story. Being the new kid is not easy. Jordan Banks is the new kid AND he's a minority in his fancy new school. The story is really well-told and addresses many important issues. Jordan isn't the only one struggling with figuring himself out and with fitting in. It starts on the very first day of school and ends on the last day. An overarching theme could be how important it is to get to know people rather than make assumptions about them.

Jordan Banks is in 7th grade, so this book might be for kids a little older than my students - but I think they would read it and enjoy it and get a lot out of it.

Goodreads says:

A graphic novel about starting over at a new school where diversity is low and the struggle to fit in is real.

Seventh grader Jordan Banks loves nothing more than drawing cartoons about his life. But instead of sending him to the art school of his dreams, his parents enroll him in a prestigious private school known for its academics, where Jordan is one of the few kids of color in his entire grade.

As he makes the daily trip from his Washington Heights apartment to the upscale Riverdale Academy Day School, Jordan soon finds himself torn between two worlds—and not really fitting into either one. Can Jordan learn to navigate his new school culture while keeping his neighborhood friends and staying true to himself?

Words on Fire (Jennifer Nielsen)

Jennifer Nielsen never disappoints. Lots of good cliff hangers and surprising twists at the end. Well worth a read!

Goodreads says:

New York Times bestselling author Jennifer A. Nielsen transports readers to a corner of history with this inspiring story of a girl who discovers the strength of her people united in resisting oppression.

Danger is never far from Audra's family farm in Lithuania. She always avoids the occupying Russian Cossack soldiers, who insist that everyone must become Russian -- they have banned Lithuanian books, religion, culture, and even the language. But Audra knows her parents are involved in something secret and perilous.

When Cossacks arrive abruptly at their door, Audra's parents insist that she flee, taking with her an important package and instructions for where to deliver it. But escape means abandoning her parents to a terrible fate.

As Audra embarks on a journey to deliver the mysterious package, she faces unimaginable risks, and soon she becomes caught up in a growing resistance movement. Can joining the underground network of book smugglers give Audra a chance to rescue her parents? 

Way Past Bedtime (Tara Lazar)

This one struck a chord! Everyone had a story of something they had seen when they snuck out of bed after they were supposed to be asleep. I was a little worried some of the stories might be awkward to hear, but apparently, most parents are pretty boring. Although, apparently some go out and buy KFC after kids are asleep!

Tara Lazar is brilliant. So glad I decided to go on a Tara Lazar kick!

Goodreads says:

Little Joseph turns into a bedtime super-sleuth as he tries to solve the mystery of what happens after the lights go out in this fun spin on classic bedtime stories.

Bedtime is Joseph’s least favorite time of day. When his parents tuck him in at night, Joseph imagines all kinds of things that he’s missing out on: big parties, hot-fudge fountains, exotic animals, and more.

But there is only one way to find out if what he imagines is actually true—and bedtime super-sleuth Joseph is determined to discover what happens way past bedtime.

Hold Tight (Harlan Coben)

This was a book club pick for me. It took me a little while to get into it. I was fascinated by the premise of parents concerned about their teenager and monitoring his on-line activity - but I was also a little afraid to get too into it and find out what was going on. I think partially, I know I don't monitor my teenager's online activity very well and I was afraid to read about awful stuff happening and having to wonder if that could happen to my kid. Once I got into the story though, it was hard to put down. It was definitely a page turner.

I had trouble keeping all the characters straight. There are A LOT of characters in this book. I should have written them all down. Instead I kept them in this loose net in my mind, with some slipping through.

It made for a great discussion at book club. There were so many difficult and controversial topics: perfectionism, teenage suicide, teenage privacy versus monitoring, family secrets, etc.

I should probably read it again and see if I see hints dropped here and there that I didn't see the first time around.


Goodreads says:

Harlan Coben delivers a #1 New York Times bestseller that asks how well parents really know their children—and puts them on a technological roller coaster of their worst fears.

“We’re losing him.” With those words, Mike and Tia Baye decide to spy on their sixteen-year-old son Adam, who has become increasingly moody and withdrawn since the suicide of his best friend. The software they install on his computer shows them every Web site visited, every e-mail sent or received, every instant message. And each keystroke draws them deeper and deeper into a maze of mayhem and violence that could destroy them all... 

Tuck Everlasting (Natalie Babbitt)

It's been a while since I've read this book. I still love it. I think I've read it more than two times - but it might have been before I started tracking on GoodReads. I read it again this year with my class...and I cried. This group has been an interesting group. Usually, my class tires of me reading it aloud and asks if they can read some of it on their own. These guys are perfectly happy to have me read and so I read the ENTIRE thing aloud. Maybe that's why it touched me a little more. I did my very best to read with good expression. LOL It's full of drama!

p 62 (chapter 12) Tuck to Winnie, on the pond in a fishing boat: ....Everything's a wheel, turning and turning, never stopping. The frog is part of it, and the bugs, and the fish, and the wood thrush, too. And people. But never the same ones. Always coming in new, always growing and changing, and always moving on. That's the way it's supposed to be. That's the way it is."

p 63: That's what us tuck are, Winnie. Stuck so's we can't move on. We ain't part of the wheel no more. Dropped off, Winnie. Left behind. And everywhere around us, things is moving and growing and changing. You, for instance. A child now, but someday a woman. And after that, moving on to make room for the new children."

"....dying's part of the wheel, right there next to being born. You can't pick out the pieces you like and leave the rest. Being part of teh whole thing, that's the blessing. But it's passing us by, us Tucks. Living's heavy work, but off to one side, the way we are, it's useless, too. It don't make sense. If I knows how to climb back on the wheel, I'd do it in a minute. You can't have living without dying. So you can't call it living, what we got. We just are, we just be, like rocks beside the road."

Goodreads says:

Doomed to - or blessed with - eternal life after drinking from a magic spring, the Tuck family wanders about trying to live as inconspicuously and comfortably as they can. When ten-year-old Winnie Foster stumbles on their secret, the Tucks take her home and explain why living forever at one age is less a blessing that it might seem. Complications arise when Winnie is followed by a stranger who wants to market the spring water for a fortune. 

Because of Winn Dixie (Kate DiCamillo)

This is one of those books that when I finished it, I couldn't believe I hadn't read it before. It's definitely one to re-read. It is also one of those books that made me cry - which is pretty rare. It might have been because I read some chapters aloud to my class. (I always get so much more from a book when I read it aloud) All the heartache Opal has over her mother really pulled at my heart strings. We are doing this book for grade 3 book club this month. I'm going to put a poster up for kids to add a picture and 10 things about their pet, like Opal likes to list. She learns 10 things about her mother and later lists 10 things about Winn Dixie. There are plenty of laugh out loud moments in this book. It would be a great read aloud - if only the grade fours didn't often do it as a novel study.

Goodreads says:

Kate DiCamillo's beloved, best-selling debut novel is now available in a paperback digest edition.

Kate DiCamillo's first published novel, like Winn-Dixie himself, immediately proved to be a keeper—a New York Times bestseller, a Newbery Honor winner, the inspiration for a popular film, and most especially, a cherished classic that touches the hearts of readers of all ages. It's now available in a paperback digest format certain to bring this tale's magic to an even wider circle of fans.

The summer Opal and her father, the preacher, move to Naomi, Florida, Opal goes into the Winn-Dixie supermarket—and comes out with a dog. A big, ugly, suffering dog with a sterling sense of humor. A dog she dubs Winn-Dixie. Because of Winn-Dixie, the preacher tells Opal ten things about her absent mother, one for each year Opal has been alive. Winn-Dixie is better at making friends than anyone Opal has ever known, and together they meet the local librarian, Miss Franny Block, who once fought off a bear with a copy of WAR AND PEACE. They meet Gloria Dump, who is nearly blind but sees with her heart, and Otis, an ex-con who sets the animals in his pet shop loose after hours, then lulls them with his guitar.

Opal spends all that sweet summer collecting stories about her new friends and thinking about her mother. But because of Winn-Dixie or perhaps because she has grown, Opal learns to let go, just a little, and that friendship—and forgiveness—can sneak up on you like a sudden summer storm.

The Sworn Virgin (Kristopher Dukes)

I really reveled in the theme of a woman not just falling to societal expectations, but instead doing what she needed to do to not just survive, but to live.

I enjoyed the twists and turns to the story. They definitely kept me reading. I was also taken by the seriousness with which oaths are taken.

On Goodreads the author shared how she came up with the idea for the book.

Years ago, I read an article in The New York Times about the last remaining sworn virgins in the mountains of Albania. Immediately, the basic conflict of "The Sworn Virgin," based on the true tradition, popped into my mind: What happens when you must choose between your love, or your life?

I began researching the culture of the Albanian mountains, learning how traveling into the mountains in 1910, from a Western point of view, was like traveling back thousands of years in time. Understanding the rules of Eleanora's world shaped the context of the characters, and how Eleanora could be true to her time -- but a rebel, as well.



Goodreads says:

What would you do if your father was suddenly and mysteriously murdered, leaving you alone in 1910s Albania?

When 18-year-old Diana’s father is mysteriously shot dead in the cobblestone streets of 1910s Albania, Diana must abandon her dream of studying art in Italy as she struggles to survive in a remote mountain village with her stepmother Mirlinda. 

Nearing starvation, Mirlinda secretly sells Diana into marriage with Edi, the cruel heir of a powerful clan. Rather than lose her freedom, Diana swears to remain a virgin for the rest of her life, a tradition that gives her the right to live as a man: she is now head of her household, can work for a living and carry a gun. She may participate in the vengeful blood feuds that consume the mountain tribes, but she may not be killed—unless she forsakes her vow. 

When an ill stranger stumbles into her life, she nurses him back to health, saving his life but risking her own when she falls in love with him. . .

419 (Will Ferguson)

I really enjoyed this book. It was fun to read a book set in the city I live in! The story is quite compelling. It makes me crazy to hear of people who get sucked into online scams. It was interesting to read the story from all sides. In the end, the women prevail. Only right! :)

Goodreads says:

A car tumbles down a snowy ravine. Accident or suicide?

On the other side of the world, a young woman walks out of a sandstorm in sub-Saharan Africa. In the labyrinth of the Niger Delta, a young boy learns to survive by navigating through the gas flares and oil spills of a ruined landscape. In the seething heat of Lagos City, a criminal cartel scours the internet looking for victims.

Lives intersect, worlds collide, a family falls apart. And it all begins with a single email: “Dear Sir, I am the son of an exiled Nigerian diplomat, and I need your help ...”

419 takes readers behind the scene of the world’s most insidious internet scam. When Laura’s father gets caught up in one such swindle and pays with his life, she is forced to leave the comfort of North America to make a journey deep into the dangerous back streets and alleyways of the Lagos underworld to confront her father’s killer. What she finds there will change her life forever...

Train to Somewhere (Eve Bunting)

Oh my gosh. This is so heartbreaking! We read this, hoping all along the way that Marianne would meet her at one of the stops.

She never did.

And it ends like that.

My class sat and stared at me. Then someone said, "That's it?"

Interesting to read a story that doesn't end happily! We thought maybe we could write an ending so that it actually feels like it ends.

I don't think it's a bad thing for kids to read books like this though. It certainly brought out some emotions. It started a great discussion about adoption and orphans and appreciating our parents. And it sounds like we will have a good writing project! We also had a good discussion about historical fiction.

Goodreads says:

Marianne, heading west with fourteen other children on an Orphan Train, is sure her mother will show up at one of the stations along the way. When her mother left Marianne at the orphanage, hadn't she promised she'd come for her after making a new life in the West? Stop after stop goes by, and there's no sign of her mother in the crowds that come to look over the children. No one shows any interest in adopting shy, plain Marianne, either. But that's all right: She has to be free for her mother to claim her. Then the train pulls into its final stop, a town called Somewhere . . . 

Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of Nimh (Robert C O'Brien)

I must have read this book when I was younger. It was all vaguely familiar and comfortable. However, I couldn't remember enough of the story to justify not continuing to the end - and I'm glad I did. I loved it. We read it for our grade 3 book club and it was a hit! The books we've read so far this year were pretty easy. This one had much more substance. It made for a smaller crowd at book club, but a great discussion. Some were troubled to not know who the rats were that didn't make it out. Maybe that comes up in the next books? Not sure. I am definitely interested in reading more.

I love the theme of reading and learning. For the rats, reading brings them hope and freedom so they can escape their evil Nimh captors. It changes their life forever....even makes them unable to enjoy their social circles the same as they did in the past. Life changes because they learned to read. If they hadn't learned to read they would have been content to live in their cages forever and have someone look after them. Because they could read, they created a whole new social structure where they really got into a rat race (err, people race??) and dissatisfaction was created.  I also liked that rats are positive characters. That doesn't often happen with rats. They are very smart creatures so I was glad to see someone give them a little respect!

Goodreads says:

Mrs. Frisby, a widowed mouse with four small children, is faced with a terrible problem. She must move her family to their summer quarters immediately, or face almost certain death. But her youngest son, Timothy, lies ill with pneumonia and must not be moved. Fortunately, she encounters the rats of NIMH, an extraordinary breed of highly intelligent creatures, who come up with a brilliant solution to her dilemma. And Mrs. Frisby in turn renders them a great service.