Set Boundaries, Find Peace (Nedra Glover Tawwab)

 

I've always had the view that boundaries were about being tough and it wasn't something I really valued as part of my personality. I have to re-think that now after reading this book. The truth is, in many aspects of my life, I'm pretty good at boundaries. This book opened up some new categories I hadn't really put much thought into before. Some of it I didn't agree with but there was a lot of new perspectives I hadn't considered. I never thought about boundaries with myself...think self-development! I think this book would be a great one for all obligers to read....and truthfully, I think we all have a little bit of obliger in us. I also really liked her suggestions on boundaries for social media/smart phones:

Limit overconsumption of online content to protect mental health (public interviews and her Instagram guidance emphasize reducing overwhelm).

Be intentional about how often and why you use social platforms.

Mute, unfollow, or block accounts that cause stress, comparison, or emotional harm (a frequent theme in her Instagram Q&As).

Set time boundaries around device use to support rest, presence, and emotional regulation.

Understand that social media isn’t “real life,” and protect your energy accordingly.

Goodreads says:.
End the struggle, speak up for what you need, and experience the freedom of being truly yourself.

Healthy boundaries. We all know we should have them–in order to achieve work/life balance, cope with toxic people, and enjoy rewarding relationships with partners, friends, and family. But what do “healthy boundaries” really mean–and how can we successfully express our needs, say “no,” and be assertive without offending others?

Licensed counselor, sought-after relationship expert, and one of the most influential therapists on Instagram Nedra Glover Tawwab demystifies this complex topic for today’s world. In a relatable and inclusive tone, Set Boundaries, Find Peace presents simple-yet-powerful ways to establish healthy boundaries in all aspects of life. Rooted in the latest research and best practices used in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), these techniques help us identify and express our needs clearly and without apology–and unravel a root problem behind codependency, power struggles, anxiety, depression, burnout, and more.

The Anxious Generation (Jonathan Haidt)

 

Sometimes I hear people talk negatively about this book....that he doesn't really offer any real solutions or that he's catastrophizing. I, however, think he has a pretty compelling argument. I think I subconsciously keep choosing books like this because I want to be on my phone less. 

I should probably do something to deal with the guilt about all the things I did wrong with my own kids and cell phones.....

Some of his suggestions:
1. No cell phones until middle school. (A basic phone watch should suffice until then, if necessary.)
2. No SMART phones until high school.
3. No social media until 16 (18 would be better, but the author acknowledges that might be hard to do.)
4. More outside and free play.
5. Parents should supervise their kids more vigilantly online, but way less in the real world. (Helicoptering and over-controlling are also affecting our kids' development in negative ways.)
6. Schools should be entirely phone-free and provide phone lockers where kids can park their phones at the start of the day and pick them up at the end. There is plenty of evidence to suggest this can drastically improve focus during class as well as school culture. It's not enough to say kids can't have phones during class. Studies have shown that even having it put away in their bag to look at between classes still decreases attention and focus, and contributes to a toxic school culture.

Goodreads says:

A must-read for all parents: the generation-defining investigation into the collapse of youth mental health in the era of smartphones, social media, and big tech—and a plan for a healthier, freer childhood.

“With tenacity and candor, Haidt lays out the consequences that have come with allowing kids to drift further into the virtual world . . . While also offering suggestions and solutions that could help protect a new generation of kids.” —Shannon Carlin, ,i>TIME, 100 Must-Read Books of 2024

After more than a decade of stability or improvement, the mental health of adolescents plunged in the early 2010s. Rates of depression, anxiety, self-harm, and suicide rose sharply, more than doubling on many measures. Why?

In The Anxious Generation, social psychologist Jonathan Haidt lays out the facts about the epidemic of teen mental illness that hit many countries at the same time. He then investigates the nature of childhood, including why children need play and independent exploration to mature into competent, thriving adults. Haidt shows how the “play-based childhood” began to decline in the 1980s, and how it was finally wiped out by the arrival of the “phone-based childhood” in the early 2010s. He presents more than a dozen mechanisms by which this “great rewiring of childhood” has interfered with children’s social and neurological development, covering everything from sleep deprivation to attention fragmentation, addiction, loneliness, social contagion, social comparison, and perfectionism. He explains why social media damages girls more than boys and why boys have been withdrawing from the real world into the virtual world, with disastrous consequences for themselves, their families, and their societies.

Most important, Haidt issues a clear call to action. He diagnoses the “collective action problems” that trap us, and then proposes four simple rules that might set us free. He describes steps that parents, teachers, schools, tech companies, and governments can take to end the epidemic of mental illness and restore a more humane childhood.

Haidt has spent his career speaking truth backed by data in the most difficult landscapes—communities polarized by politics and religion, campuses battling culture wars, and now the public health emergency faced by Gen Z. We cannot afford to ignore his findings about protecting our children—and ourselves—from the psychological damage of a phone-based life.

Attack From Within (Barbara McQuade)

 

This book was very American based, but many of the suggestions apply to Canada too. The problem definitely isn't unique to the USA. Since I live in Alberta where the current provincial politicians in charge seem to want to align themselves with the direction the current Republican government is moving and that is something I really don't want. Elbows up!

• Create laws that require social media platforms to disallow false claims.
• Fund local news coverage.
• Extend the equal time rule to all news outlets...all candidates get equal time. Prevent broadcast media from showing one campaign over another.
• The Fairness Doctrine has been removed from American media. Restore this law.
• To reclaim audiences lost to social media, networks should focus on analysis rather than reporting.
• Voluntary code of ethics for social media - remove false claims, remove bots, etc. This could be done with good algorithms!
• Reduce disinformation from the demand side....this could be a big part of public education. Train students to recognize fake news and online conspiracy. Media literacy is becoming more and more important. Verify news stories from multiple news providers. Teach them to fact check School children and adults need this.
• Public service campaigns to persuade people to use diligence when amplifying messages. This reminded me of The Dignity Index that has been created.
• Increase face to face discussions in real public squares. Seclusion makes matters worse.
• Vote and be an informed voter.
  
• Install rank choice voting....this prevents two popular candidates from splitting the vote and having a less popular candidate come up through the middle.
• Prosecute people who threaten and harass public servants.
• Hate crime laws must be enforced vigorously. 
• Speak up when people post threats.
• Combat corruption. No one is above the law. 

Goodreads (as well as the Amazon website since it was clear Goodreads was missing some of the summary) says:

An urgent, comprehensive explanation of the ways disinformation is impacting democracy, and practical solutions that can be pursued to strengthen the public, media, and truth-based politics. The book includes:

• The authoritarian playbook: a brief history of disinformation from Mussolini and Hitler to Bolsonaro and Trump, chronicles the ways in which authoritarians have used disinformation to seize and retain power.
• Disinformation tactics—like demonizing the other, seducing with nostalgia, silencing critics, muzzling the media, condemning the courts; stoking violence—and reasons why they work.
• An explanation of why America is particularly vulnerable to disinformation and how it exploits our First Amendment Freedoms, sparks threats and violence, and destabilizes social structures.
• Real, accessible solutions for countering disinformation and maintaining the rule of law such as making domestic terrorism a federal crime, increasing media literacy in schools, criminalizing doxxing, and much more.

American society is more polarized than ever before. We are strategically being pushed apart by disinformation—the deliberate spreading of lies disguised as truth—and it comes at us from all opportunists on the far right, Russian misinformed social media influencers, among others. It's endangering our democracy and causing havoc in our electoral system, schools, hospitals, workplaces, and in our Capitol. Advances in technology including rapid developments in artificial intelligence threaten to make the problems even worse by amplifying false claims and manufacturing credibility.

In Attack from Within, legal scholar and analyst Barbara McQuade, shows us how to identify the ways disinformation is seeping into all facets of our society and how we can fight against it. 


Disinformation is designed to evoke a strong emotional response to push us toward more extreme views, unable to find common ground with others. The false claims that led to the breathtaking attack on our Capitol in 2020 may have been only a dress rehearsal. Attack from Within shows us how to prevent it from happening again, thus preserving our country’s hard-won democracy.

Stolen Focus (Johann Hari)

 

This is a great book. The author did a great job of researching and sharing the research many have worked on with focus. I will definitely implement some of his suggestions.

1. Stop multitasking. It doesn't work. Switching from one task to another takes much longer for our brain to reconfigure than we realize.

2. Read more books. I probably didn't need to read this to make that goal - but he certainly does make a good argument for why this is so important. Comprehension, focus and empathy are what we lose when we don't read.  I can resolve to take more time with a book though. Speed-reading is a detriment to comprehension and causes us to miss something.

3. Walk more...and without a podcast or book playing in headphones. Taking time to wander and to let our minds wander is key to creativity. He also has a really good argument for more unstructured play time and recess. I will definitely make sure there are more movement breaks and that everyone gets out for recess in my class.

4. Try to understand. Have conversations with people who believe totally different than you and try to really understand their perspective on an issue.

5. Limit Social Media and take big breaks from it. I've often heard people, especially church leaders in our church, tell us to do a social media fast. I've never been a big fan because so much communication happens in my circles with social media. His explanation of data tracking, AI and more was the most convincing thing I've read. He tells a really interesting story about a conversation with a scientist who shared with him about seeing a room full of people all wearing VR headsets....all but Mark Zuckerberg (who was at the front of the room speaking to the group). He said this is a metaphor for our future. We are being led, tracked and manipulated by social media. 

One part I wasn't sold on was his chapters on ADHD. He summarizes that the reason children have ADHD is because of stress imposed upon them in certain periods of life.

Some of my favorite take-aways:

Anne Mangan, a professor of literacy at the University of Stavanger in Norway, explained to me that in two decades of researching this subject, she has proved something crucial. Reading books trains us to read in a particular way - in a linear fashion, focused on one thing for a sustained period. Reading from screens, she has discovered, trains us to read in a different way - in a manic skip and jump from one thing to another...this [reading on screens] creates a different relationship with reading. It stops being a form of pleasurable immersion in another world and becomes more like dashing around a busy supermarket to grab what you need and then get out again. When this flip takes place - when our screen reading contaminates our book-reading - we lose some of the pleasures of reading books themselves  and they become less appealing.

It has other knock-on effects. Anne has conducted studies that split people into two groups, where one is given information in a printed book and the other is given the same information on a screen. Everyone is then asked questions about what they just read. When you do this, you find that people understand and remember less of what they absorb on screens. There's broad scientific evidence for this now, emerging from fifty-four studies, and she explained that it's referred to as "screen inferiority". This gap in understanding between books and screens is big enough that in elementary school children, it's the equivalent of two-thirds of a year's growth in reading comprehension. 

 --

When you read a novel, you are immersing yourself in what it's like to be inside another person's head. You are simulating a social situation. You are imagining other people and their experiences in a deep and complex way. So maybe, he said, if you read a lot of novels, you will become better at actually understanding other people off the page. Perhaps fiction is a kind of empathy gym, boosting your ability to empathize with other people - which is one of the most rich and precious forms of focus we have. Together, they decided to study this question scientifically.

--

We internalize the texture of the voices we're exposed to. When you expose yourself to complex stories about the inter lives of people over long periods of time, that will repattern your consciousness. You will become more perceptive, open, and empathetic. If, by contrast, you expose yourself for hours a day to the disconnected fragments of shrieking and fury that dominate social media, your thoughts will start to be shaped like that. Your internal voices will become cruder, louder, less able to hear more tender and gentle thoughts. Take care of what technologies you use, because your consciousness will, over time, come to be shaped like those technologies.

-- 

If enough people are spending enough of their time being angered, that starts to change the culture, ....it "turns hate into a habit." You can see this seeping into the bones of our society. When I was a teenager there was horrific crime in Britain, where two ten-year-old children murdered a toddler named Jamie Bulger. The Conservative prime minister at the time, John Major, responded by publicly saying that he believed we need "to condemn a little more, and understand a little less." I remembered thinking then, at the age of fourteen, that this was surely wrong - that' it's always better to understand why people do things, even (perhaps especially) the most heinous acts. But today, this attitude - condemn more, understand less - has become the default response to almost everyone, from the right to the left, as we spend our lives dancing to the tune of algorithms that reward fury and penalize mercy.

 --

The country that is often judged by international league tables to have the most successful schools in the world, Finland, is closer to these progressive models than anything we would recognize. Their children don't go to school at all until they are seven years old - before then, they just play. Between the ages of seven and sixteen, kids arrive at school at 9 am and leave at 2 pm. They are given almost no homework, and they take almost no tests until they graduate from high school. Free play is at the beating heart of Finnish kids' lives: by law, teachers have to give kids fifteen minutes of free play for every forty-five minutes of instructions. What's the outcome? Only 0.1 percent of their kids are diagnosed with attention problems, and Finns are among the most literate, numerate and happy people in the world.

Goodreads says:
Our ability to pay attention is collapsing. From the New York Times bestselling author of Chasing the Scream and Lost Connections comes a groundbreaking examination of why this is happening--and how to get our attention back.

In the United States, teenagers can focus on one task for only sixty-five seconds at a time, and office workers average only three minutes. Like so many of us, Johann Hari was finding that constantly switching from device to device and tab to tab was a diminishing and depressing way to live. He tried all sorts of self-help solutions--even abandoning his phone for three months--but nothing seemed to work. So Hari went on an epic journey across the world to interview the leading experts on human attention--and he discovered that everything we think we know about this crisis is wrong.

We think our inability to focus is a personal failure to exert enough willpower over our devices. The truth is even more disturbing: our focus has been stolen by powerful external forces that have left us uniquely vulnerable to corporations determined to raid our attention for profit. Hari found that there are twelve deep causes of this crisis, from the decline of mind-wandering to rising pollution, all of which have robbed some of our attention. In Stolen Focus, he introduces readers to Silicon Valley dissidents who learned to hack human attention, and veterinarians who diagnose dogs with ADHD. He explores a favela in Rio de Janeiro where everyone lost their attention in a particularly surreal way, and an office in New Zealand that discovered a remarkable technique to restore workers' productivity.

Crucially, Hari learned how we can reclaim our focus--as individuals, and as a society--if we are determined to fight for it. Stolen Focus will transform the debate about attention and finally show us how to get it back.