The Lion Women of Tehran (Marjan Kamali)

 

I loved this story. I read for hours. It was very captivating. It is a great story of friendship and has many twists and turns in their friendship. 

The story starts out in 1981 and then goes back to the 1950's to tell the story that leads up to 1981. There is a Epilogue set in 2022 to wrap things all up nicely.

Notes:

Characters:
Ellie (full name: Elaheh, means goddess) - is a descendant of royalty - a fact that is really important to her mother

Mehrdad - Ellie's husband

Homa - Ellie's best friend. They meet on the first day of school. Ellie's mother always looks down her nose on this friendship, thinking Homa isn't quite fancy enough for her to associate with. Her name is a type of bird that never rests on the ground (p. 20). Homa really never does rest on the ground. She doesn't worry about being like anyone else. She has her passions and pursues them. She is a true friend to Ellie and a breath of fresh air again and again.

Ellie's father dies early on in her life. She thinks he died of turbuculosis. Ellie begrudges her mother for not ever telling her much about her father - until one day they have a good heart to heart and Ellie learns the truth about him (infidelity, etc)

Uncle Massoud - Ellie's uncle who marries her mother as per the tradition in their culture. He is a good husband to her mother and kind to Ellie. He has another brother but he married a Russian and settled there and is never a part of the story again. Uncle Massoud seems like a conselation prize - but that might be because of Ellie's mother's snootiness.

Friendship theme:

- Women's friendships are important and the little things we do for each other and give each other are continual reminders of these wonderful friends.

p. 4 Earlier that morning, in our apartment on the Upper East Side of Manhattan, my husband, Mehrdad, had tried to comfort me with breakfast. He prepared toast with feta cheese and cherry jam. He brewed bergamot tea. But I couldn't eat or drink. The jam was made from Homa's recipe. The bergamot tea in the white teapot adorned with two pink roses reminded me of her. With the arrival of her letter, her absence dominated my life all over again

There was a lot of description about the food - which I kind of expected to play a bigger part - but it never really did. It felt like a bit of a tangent. Perhaps the author really loves the Iranian food and wanted to share that love. Not sure.

Words of the wiser:

From Ellie's mother (a complicated figure in her life!): Jealousy has powerful energy. It can swirl in the air and destruct true happiness. 

- This advice is interesting because in many ways, Ellie's mother was so difficult. So toxic. However, she was right with this advice!

p. 126 From Ellie's mother: "Even those who love you most can ruin your life, you know, Ellie." Mother said.  "Even the ones you trust the most."

- She always had a damper on Ellie's wonderful moments.

p. 155 I would teach my own children differently. I would teach them that the world is filled with people who care deeply about them and want to see them thrive. Imagine that. Imagine if I could not just outgrow my own toxic vices but also transmit to my children the best of traits. Yes, I would raise secure, confident people. I would break the cycle of suspicion and superiority and paranoia that seemed to run in my family line.

The burden of a complaining mother:

p. 28 Sarah, I had a feeling she wasn't the kind of mother who complained to her children about her woes (Ellie's mother was that kind of mother)

Again and again:

Jealousy is something that comes up again and again.

p. 28 I (Ellie) adored her (Homa). 

I was already jealous of her.

p, 46 When Homa had found out I was First-in-Class, she had beamed with excitement, squeezed me hard, and even lifted me off the ground by a few centimeters. And I burdened with my own stupid personality traits, was jealous of her ability not to be jealous.

- p. 191 Poor Ellie keeps having pregnancy loss: Mother made potions of saffron dissolved in bone broth for me to drink. She took to praying five times a day to somehow entreat God to change y rate. Too little, too late was her transformation into someone devout. Her prayers didn't work. Her potions didn't materialize what we most wanted.

Mother claimed it was the evil eye at work. "All those people," she said, "jealous of our health and wealth. All those envious souls casting a hex on us."

Rituals to be rid of:

p. 187 When Mehrdad and Ellie marry, he negotiates not continuing a ritual:

Mehrdad's mom, gracious and calm as ever, agreed that we would be left alone and forgo the old-fashioned handkerchief hoopla surrounding the marriage night. With the mother of the groom decreeing it, the rest of the close female relatives - even my social - climbing mother - gave in. I breathed a sight of relief that I wouldn't be forced to prove that Mehrdad was my first in every way. He was, of course, but the entire "proof" theatre felt so demeaning. I was happy to skip it.

Goodreads says:

In 1950s Tehran, seven-year-old Ellie lives in grand comfort until the untimely death of her father, forcing Ellie and her mother to move to a tiny home downtown. Lonely and bearing the brunt of her mother’s endless grievances, Ellie dreams for a friend to alleviate her isolation.

Luckily, on the first day of school, she meets Homa, a kind girl with a brave and irrepressible spirit. Together, the two girls play games, learn to cook in the stone kitchen of Homa’s warm home, wander through the colorful stalls of the Grand Bazaar, and share their ambitions of becoming “lion women.”

But their happiness is disrupted when Ellie and her mother are afforded the opportunity to return to their previous bourgeois life. Now a popular student at the best girls’ high school in Iran, Ellie’s memories of Homa begin to fade. Years later, however, her sudden reappearance in Ellie’s privileged world alters the course of both of their lives.

Together, the two young women come of age and pursue their own goals for meaningful futures. But as the political turmoil in Iran builds to a breaking point, one earth-shattering betrayal will have enormous consequences.

Hedy Lamarr's Double Life (Laurie Wallmark)

 

I read a book on Hedy Lamarr  with my book club recently so coming across this book was exciting. The book club book focused more on Lamar's marriage to a man who was connected to the Nazi's than this one. This one is all about her science interests - which was barely mentioned in the book club book. One might even think they're two totally different stories. Now I think I need to go find one more book about her! LOL 

I wonder what my students will think of her saying people didn't think she was very smart because she was beautiful. That may make for an interesting discussion.

Goodreads says:

Movie star by day, ace inventor at night: learn about the hidden life of actress Hedy Lamarr!
 
To her adoring public, Hedy Lamarr was a glamorous movie star, widely considered the most beautiful woman in the world. But in private, she was something more: a brilliant inventor. And for many years only her closest friends knew her secret. The story of how, during World War Two, Lamarr developed a groundbreaking communications system that still remains essential to the security of today’s technology.

Catch and Kill (Ronan Farrow)

 

This story is one I've heard a lot about but never really knew in great detail. It was shocking to read about how people knew and ignored the rape of so many women by Harvey Weinstein....as well as others in Hollywood and big business. It made my heart rate to read about the crimes and the people who tried super hard to stop Ronan Farrow from telling the story. Stunning! As I was reading this, my husband came home to tell me a story about people he knows that have done pretty much the same thing: let men who have money get away with crimes done to other people. Un-freaking-believable.  

I sometimes had a hard time following the story because there were so many names and most of them I was unfamiliar with. Maybe people who are better at knowing actors names and others involved in the movie industry could keep track of it all. 

Goodreads says:

In 2017, a routine network television investigation led Ronan Farrow to a story only whispered about: one of Hollywood's most powerful producers was a predator, protected by fear, wealth, and a conspiracy of silence. As Farrow drew closer to the truth, shadowy operatives, from high-priced lawyers to elite war-hardened spies, mounted a secret campaign of intimidation, threatening his career, following his every move and weaponizing an account of abuse in his own family.

All the while, Farrow and his producer faced a degree of resistance that could not be explained - until now. And a trail of clues revealed corruption and cover-ups from Hollywood, to Washington, and beyond.

This is the untold story of the exotic tactics of surveillance and intimidation deployed by wealthy and connected men to threaten journalists, evade accountability and silence victims of abuse - and it's the story of the women who risked everything to expose the truth and spark a global movement.

Both a spy thriller and a meticulous work of investigative journalism, Catch and Kill breaks devastating new stories about the rampant abuse of power - and sheds far-reaching light on investigations that shook the culture.

In a dramatic account of violence and espionage, Pulitzer Prize-winning investigative reporter Ronan Farrow exposes serial abusers and a cabal of powerful interests hell-bent on covering up the truth, at any cost.

The Elephant Keeper's Daughter (Shilpa Raj)

 

I love stories of women changed by education.

It is almost unbelievable to read about the lives women lead around the world. There is more work to do to create equality. Education is the key.

This is a great read.




"Women in these families have little or no control over their destinies; they suffer innumerable cruelties and lead lives regulated strictky by men. This way of life is not something I amp prepared to accept as a natural order"

“I see myself as a product of two disparate worlds, and each has given me a reason to love, to be kind, and to grow strong. My education has given me the ability to choose what I want for myself and the confidence to aspire to greater goodness. I have chosen to favour my new world, and hope to change the one I left behind.”

Goodreads says:

Saved by her grandmother from being killed at birth for having been born a female, Shilpa’s life took many unexpected turns and twists through her early years. She faced abandonment by her mother, the formidable constraints placed on her by her family, and the barbs of village elders bound by hundreds of years of oppressive practices and customs that subjugate women. Shilpa is torn between the contrasting lives she leads: one of servitude and injustice experienced by her family; the other of opportunity and empowerment offered by a good education in a school started by a philanthropist.

Just when all seems settled, an unforeseen death under mysterious circumstances shatters whatever stability remains in her life. Pulled in opposite directions, and torn between despair and dreams, Shilpa finally makes a choice for her future. Is she strong enough to stand up to the people she loves, and pursue what she wants?

At its heart The Elephant Chaser’s Daughter is about hope, when all seems lost. Written with raw honesty and grit, this is a deeply moving memoir of a young girl confronting her ‘untouchable’ status in a caste-based society, and her aspirations for modernity.

As Long As The Lemon Trees Grow (Zoulfa Katouh)

 

We read this for our Children's Lit Book club - even though it's YA. We have high school teachers in our group so we thought we should do something at that level. 

This was a great book! I didn't know a lot about Syria but this book made me curious. The author is actually Canadian (born in Calgary!) and the story isn't autobiographical, but reflective of people's experience with Syria.

This book had me captivated. It's a good page turner. I finished the last half of it in one sitting. Loved it.

Quotes:

p. 54 I wish we were being broadcast live on every channel and smartphone in the world so everyone could see what they're allowing to happen to children.

p. 306 "Fear and dread run high in Syria. They're enhanced in you, which is why you see me. It's safe to presume you won't have these same horrors in Germany. So why would I follow you there?"
(character speaking is Khawf....who is fear)

p. ? “When I die, I'm going to tell God everything.” (a child who passes away due to war)

Goodreads says:
Salama Kassab was a pharmacy student when the cries for freedom broke out in Syria. She still had her parents and her big brother; she still had her home. She had a normal teenager’s life.

Now Salama volunteers at a hospital in Homs, helping the wounded who flood through the doors daily. Secretly, though, she is desperate to find a way out of her beloved country before her sister-in-law, Layla, gives birth. So desperate, that she has manifested a physical embodiment of her fear in the form of her imagined companion, Khawf, who haunts her every move in an effort to keep her safe.

But even with Khawf pressing her to leave, Salama is torn between her loyalty to her country and her conviction to survive. Salama must contend with bullets and bombs, military assaults, and her shifting sense of morality before she might finally breathe free. And when she crosses paths with the boy she was supposed to meet one fateful day, she starts to doubt her resolve in leaving home at all.

Soon, Salama must learn to see the events around her for what they truly are—not a war, but a revolution—and decide how she, too, will cry for Syria’s freedom.

The Fire Of Stars (Kirsten W Larson)

 

This one's a beauty....and an amazing story of a female scientist who discovered what stars are made of, despite not being able to be part of academia or respected as a scientist. It's brilliantly written to, putting her life side by side a star forming...

Goodreads says:

A poetic picture book celebrating the life and scientific discoveries of the groundbreaking astronomer Cecilia Payne!

Astronomer and astrophysicist Cecilia Payne was the first person to discover what burns at the heart of stars. But she didn’t start out as the groundbreaking scientist she would eventually become. She started out as a girl full of curiosity, hoping one day to unlock the mysteries of the universe.

With lyrical, evocative text by Kirsten W. Larson and extraordinary illustrations by award-winning illustrator Katherine Roy, this moving biography powerfully parallels the kindling of Cecilia Payne’s own curiosity and her scientific career with the process of a star’s birth, from mere possibility in an expanse of space to an eventual, breathtaking explosion of light.

WOMEN IN STEM CAN CHANGE HISTORY: With women making up less than 30 percent of the science and engineering workforce, supporting young girls who are interested in STEM fields is more important than ever! This picture book tells the story of Cecilia Payne, a trailblazing female astronomer and role model for young girls to relate to and see themselves in, from even the youngest age.

LOOK TO THE STARS: Any reader or stargazer who feels dazzled by the striking night sky will be enchanted by this true story of discovery and invention, as Cecilia's contributions to science prompt us to wonder: What else is out there?

BEAUTIFUL, INSPIRING GIFT: With compelling visual storytelling and an inspiring role model for aspiring astronomers, scientists, and engineers (and for young girls in particular), this stellar biography makes a great choice for any giving moment, from birthdays to celebrations to the holidays.
Perfect for:
Parents, teachers, and librarians looking to instill curiosity and encourage scientific exploration
Lovers of astronomy, stargazing, space travel, and outer space
Anyone seeking narrative nonfiction and biography books about women in STEM for the classroom or choice reading
Gift-givers looking for a unique true story to delight and inspire girls and boys
Fans of Hidden Figures, Rad American Women A-Z, and I Am Malala

The Girl Who Drew Butterflies (Joyce Sidman)

 

This is a story of a girl from the 1600 and 1700s and her fascination with insects. It was interesting to read about the things they used to think (insects came from dung and/or mud and butterflies were known as summer birds that came out from somewhere in the summer only) and how it changed and the role she played. It is really the story of Maria Merian's life. The author creatively organized her life into chapters connected to the butterfly life cycle (egg, hatching, molting, pupa, etc.) I don't think this is really a children's book though. The vocabulary is definitely beyond your average eight year old. However, it is in the J section at the library. I hope that doesn't mean it will become an undiscovered treasure.

Goodreads says:

In this beautiful nonfiction biography, a Robert F. Sibert Medal winner, the Newbery Honor-winning author Joyce Sidman introduces readers to one of the first female entomologists and a woman who flouted convention in the pursuit of knowledge and her passion for insects.

One of the first naturalists to observe live insects directly, Maria Sibylla Merian was also one of the first to document the metamorphosis of the butterfly.

Richly illustrated throughout with full-color original paintings by Merian herself, The Grew Who Drew Butterflies will enthrall young scientists.

Bugs, of all kinds, were considered to be "born of mud" and to be "beasts of the devil." Why would anyone, let alone a girl, want to study and observe them? The Girl Who Drew Butterflies answers this question.


Booklist Editor's ChoiceChicago Public Library Best of the YearKirkus Best Book of the Year Bulletin Blue Ribbon BookJunior Library Guild SelectionNew York Public Library Top 10 Best Books of the Year

Daily Rituals: Women At Work (Mason Curry)

 

I came at this book looking for the secrets of success in life. 

I didn't find them. Every single woman had a different style, different rules and different avenues to success. It was interesting though!

Goodreads says:

More of Mason Currey's irresistible Daily Rituals, this time exploring the daily obstacles and rituals of women who are artists--painters, composers, sculptors, scientists, filmmakers, and performers. We see how these brilliant minds get to work, the choices they have to make: rebuffing convention, stealing (or secreting away) time from the pull of husbands, wives, children, obligations, in order to create their creations.


From those who are the masters of their craft (Eudora Welty, Lynn Fontanne, Penelope Fitzgerald, Marie Curie) to those who were recognized in a burst of acclaim (Lorraine Hansberry, Zadie Smith) . . . from Clara Schumann and Shirley Jackson, carving out small amounts of time from family life, to Isadora Duncan and Agnes Martin, rejecting the demands of domesticity, Currey shows us the large and small (and abiding) choices these women made--and continue to make--for their art: Isak Dinesen, "I promised the Devil my soul, and in return he promised me that everything I was going to experience would be turned into tales," Dinesen subsisting on oysters and Champagne but also amphetamines, which gave her the overdrive she required . . . And the rituals (daily and otherwise) that guide these artists: Isabel Allende starting a new book only on January 8th . . . Hilary Mantel taking a shower to combat writers' block ("I am the cleanest person I know") . . . Tallulah Bankhead coping with her three phobias (hating to go to bed, hating to get up, and hating to be alone), which, could she "mute them," would make her life "as slick as a sonnet, but as dull as ditch water" . . . Lillian Hellman chain-smoking three packs of cigarettes and drinking twenty cups of coffee a day--and, after milking the cow and cleaning the barn, writing out of "elation, depression, hope" ("That is the exact order. Hope sets in toward nightfall. That's when you tell yourself that you're going to be better the next time, so help you God.") . . . Diane Arbus, doing what "gnaws at" her . . . Colette, locked in her writing room by her first husband, Henry Gauthier-Villars (nom de plume: Willy) and not being "let out" until completing her daily quota (she wrote five pages a day and threw away the fifth). Colette later said, "A prison is one of the best workshops" . . . Jessye Norman disdaining routines or rituals of any kind, seeing them as "a crutch" . . . and Octavia Butler writing every day no matter what ("screw inspiration").
Germaine de Staël . . . Elizabeth Barrett Browning . . . George Eliot . . . Edith Wharton . . . Virginia Woolf . . . Edna Ferber . . . Doris Lessing . . . Pina Bausch . . . Frida Kahlo . . . Marguerite Duras . . . Helen Frankenthaler . . . Patti Smith, and 131 more--on their daily routines, superstitions, fears, eating (and drinking) habits, and other finely (and not so finely) calibrated rituals that help summon up willpower and self-discipline, keeping themselves afloat with optimism and fight, as they create (and avoid creating) their creations.

One More Mountain (Debra Ellis)

 

I loved the Breadwinner series and so I was very excited to hear that Debra Ellis had written an additional book in the series....30 years later when the Taliban return to Afghanistan. 

I should have re-read The Breadwinner series again though because I found myself grappling to remember all the characters.

Despite that, I loved this book. 

This summary was written by another reader on Goodreads (Ivonne ):

Parvana oversees a safe house in Afghanistan when the Taliban once again take over the country. Parvana is supported by her husband, Asif, and her best friend, policewoman Shauzia. The three of them met as children 20 years ago when the Taliban triumphed the first time, and they scramble to fly Parvana’s sister and her 11-year-old son Rafi out of the country and to relocate the young girls from the safe house to a safer part of the country. Nothing goes as planned, and the shocking twists will keep you turning pages.

The Proudest Blue: A Story of Hijab and Family (Ibtihaj Muhammad)

 

I loved reading this with my class. Many of my students have sisters, mothers and grandmothers who wear a hijab and they were so happy to tell us about it. They also talked about how to properly wear a hijab, why some women wear one and why some don't. There were a lot of questions form other kids. I loved how the little girl in this story thought the hijab was just so beautiful and she eagerly looks forward to wearing one. When a boy in the story teases the girl about her hijab one student in my class gasped, which was the perfect response and it started a great discussion. I found the names in the story difficult to pronounce, but nobody corrected me so I must have done good enough. We also had a good discussion about clothing people wear in other religions that is a sign of their faith and reminds them of what they believe.

Goodreads says:

A powerful, vibrantly illustrated story about the first day of school–and two sisters on one’s first day of hijab–by Olympic medalist and social justice activist Ibtihaj Muhammad.

With her new backpack and light-up shoes, Faizah knows the first day of school is going to be special. It’s the start of a brand new year and, best of all, it’s her older sister Asiya’s first day of hijab–a hijab of beautiful blue fabric, like the ocean waving to the sky. But not everyone sees hijab as beautiful, and in the face of hurtful, confusing words, Faizah will find new ways to be strong.

Paired with Hatem Aly’s beautiful, whimsical art, Olympic medalist Ibtihaj Muhammad and Morris Award finalist S.K. Ali bring readers an uplifting, universal story of new experiences, the unbreakable bond between siblings, and of being proud of who you are.

Hamnet (Maggie O'Farrell)

 

It took me a long time to get through this book. I loved the premise. It is the story of Shakespeare's wife...someone we really don't know anything about. The author has made many assumptions and I was comfortable with them. The book does a really good job of expressing the inner thoughts and agony of this family. I found myself really relating to her heartache over her son that died. Also her anger when her husband wrote a play using his name. I have had similar reactions when I feel like people aren't respecting my children. I liked how the author made her quite independent and wise, almost able to read people's thoughts. It's a well-written book.

Goodreads says:

Drawing on Maggie O'Farrell's long-term fascination with the little-known story behind Shakespeare's most enigmatic play, Hamnet is a luminous portrait of a marriage, at its heart the loss of a beloved child.

Warwickshire in the 1580s. Agnes is a woman as feared as she is sought after for her unusual gifts. She settles with her husband in Henley street, Stratford, and has three children: a daughter, Susanna, and then twins, Hamnet and Judith. The boy, Hamnet, dies in 1596, aged eleven. Four years or so later, the husband writes a play called Hamlet.

Award-winning author Maggie O'Farrell's new novel breathes full-blooded life into the story of a loss usually consigned to literary footnotes, and provides an unforgettable vindication of Agnes, a woman intriguingly absent from history.

A New York Times Notable Book (2020), Best Book of 2020: Guardian, Financial Times, Literary Hub, and NPR.

Hello, Star (Stephanie V.W. Lucianovic)

 

Definitely a book to save and read at the carpet....when we finally get a carpet back and can sit close together to read a story! 

“The girl felt her heart pinch at the idea of the star slowly losing its light all the way out there on its own.”


Goodreads says:

When a young girl learns that a bright light in the sky is coming from a dying star, she promises to keep it company until the light goes out. Every night the girl reassures her friend that she is still there.

As the years pass, the girl learns everything she can about planets, space, and the universe, inspired by her dimming friend—until she realizes she needs to do something more.

This touching tribute to stars, space, and science celebrates how a small act of compassion can flourish into a life full of meaning and wonder.

Murder On My Mind: A Memoir of Menopause (Dana Goldstein)

 

Even though this book is hilarious, I felt a little sad as I read this book to think of all the hard things women go through.. Her feelings of rage and fear and everything else are so real. A couple years ago someone told me about a doctor that does Bio-Identical Hormone Replacement Therapy. I took the bait and went to him and the BHRT has made all the difference. No more rage. No more fear. No more tears. It changed everything! I'm so sorry that more women don't know about this. 

I saw many of my friends in her stories. 

The book was well written. I'd read it again.

Just like some mother's hold parties for their daughters when they have their first period, this is a book women should give other women around age 40! Menopause is something that just doesn't get talked about enough.

Goodreads says:

Menopause. Every woman walks through this lava pit of hormones, remorse and chicken wing cravings, yet few of us are offered a warning about the perils, let alone a survival guide. Following the success of The Girl in the Gold Bikini, author Dana Goldstein is throwing back the curtain on the most challenging years of a woman's life. Holding nothing back, the author brings her unique sense of humour to her menopausal journey, sharing stories of hair growing where it shouldn't, erotic dreams that leave her shaken for days and her struggle to stop herself from killing her beloved husband.
Murder on My Mind will make you laugh out while while making you feel better about the chaos of your own menopausal journey.

Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cyclre (Emily Nagoski, Amelia Nagoski)

 

Man, I was feeling this one. It's been a tough year. This book was a light in the darkness. I listened to it while I was walking to school each day and it seriously brought light into my life while we've being thrust into at home learning. That, along with new budgets for next year, staffing and covid stressors made this a great and enlightening listen. I think it is full of great information whether one is feeling like they're burnt out or not. It's great anti-burnout information!

At the end of each chapter, the authors have a TLDR list. Really, they're just summaries with a trendy title. Somehow, the trendy title made them even better. 

Chapter 1 Complete the Cycle

• Just because you've dealt with a stressor, that doesn't mean you've dealt with the stress itself. You have to deal with the stress - complete the cycle - or it will slowly kill you. 
• Physical activity is the single most efficient strategy for completing the cycle, even if it's jumping up and down or a good old cry. Affection (a six second kiss, a twenty second hug, six minutes of snuggling after sex, helpless laughter) are social strategies that complete the cycle along with creative self-expression, writing, drawing, singing...whatever gives you a safe place to move through the emotional cycle of stress. 
• Wellness is the freedom to move fluidly through the cycles of being human. Wellness is thus, not a state of being, it is a state of action.

Chapter 2 Persist

• Frustration happens when our progress towards a goal feels more effortful than we expect it to be.
• You can manage frustration by using planful problem solving for stressors you can control and positive reappraisal for stressors you can't control. 
• When we're struggling, we may reach a point of oscillating between frustrated rage and helpless despair. Solution: choose the right time to give up, which might be now or might be never. Either way, the choice puts you back in the driver's seat. 
• Your brain has a built in mechanism to assess when it's time to quit. Listen to it's quiet voice. Or do a worksheet! Sometimes that's easier. 

Chapter 3 Meaning

• Meaning in life is good for you. You make meaning by engaging with something larger than yourself - whether that's ambitious goals, service to the divine, or loving relationships. Meaning enhances well-being when you're doing well and can save your life when you're struggling.
• Human giver syndrome is a collection of personal and cultural beliefs and behavior that insist that some people's only meaning in life comes from being pretty, happy, calm, generous and attentive to the needs of others. 
• The stress response cycle, the monitor and meaning are all resources you carry with you into the battle against the real enemy. 

Chapter 4 The Game is Rigged

• Women and girls, especially women and girls of color are systematically excluded from government and other systems of power. It's called the patriarchy. The patriarchy says it doesn't exist. It says that if we struggle it's our own fault for not being good enough, which is gaslighting.
• Human giver syndrome, the contagious belief that you have a moral obligation to give every drop of your humanity in support of others, no matter the cost to you, thrives in the patriarchy the way mold thrives in damp basements. The solution? Smash! See worksheet.

Chapter 5 The Bikini Industrial Complex

• The bikini industrial complex is a 100 billion dollar industry that tries to convince us that our bodies are the enemy, when in fact, the bikini industrial completes is itself the enemy.
• Bias against people of size can be more dangerous to our health than the actual size of our bodies and many of the things we do to try to change our bodies make our health worse.
• It is normal, nearly universal, to feel ambivalent about your body, wanting to accept and love your body as it is and at the same time wanting to change it to confirm with the culturally accepted aspirational idea. 
• Solutions? Embrace the mess. See yourself as the new hotness. Practice seeing everyone as the new hotness and tune into your bodies' needs.

Chapter 6 Connect 

• Connection with friends, family, pets, The Divine, etc. is as necessary as food and water. Humans are not built to function autonomously. We are built to oscillate between connection and autonomy and back again. We are all constantly co-regulating one another without even being aware it is happening: synchronizing heartbeats, changing moods and helping one another feel seen and heard.
• Certain kinds of connection create energy. When you share mutual trust and connected knowing with someone you co-create energy that renews both people. We call this the bubble of love.
• Sadness, rage and the feeling that you are not enough are forms of loneliness. When you experience these emotions, connect.

Chapter 7 What Makes You Stronger

• We will literally die without rest. Literally! Finding time for rest is not a #firstworldproblem. It's about survival. We are not built to persist incessantly, but to oscillate from effort to rest and back again. On average, we need to spend 42% of our time (10 hours a day) on rest. If we don't take the time to rest, then our bodies will revolt and force us to take the time. 
• Human giver syndrome tells us it is self-indulgent to rest, which makes about as sense as believing it is weak or self-indulgent to breathe. 
• Getting the rest your body requires is an act of resistance against the forces that are trying to rig the game and make you helpless. Reclaim rest, and you reclaim sovereignty over your own life.  

Chapter 8 Grow Mighty

• We each have a mad-woman in our psychological attic. She has the impossible job of managing the chasm of what we are and what human-giver syndrome has told us to be. 
• Self-compassion and gratitude empower us to recognize the difference between who we are and who the world expects us to be without beating ourselves up or shutting ourselves off from the world. 
• Self-compassion is hard because healing hurts and growing stronger can be scary - but it's worth it because healing helps us grow mighty enough to heal human-giver syndrome. 
• We don't have to wait for the world to change before we begin to heal ourselves and one another.

Conclusion: Joyfully Ever After

Notes:

• Joy doesn't come from within. It comes from connection with fellow givers.
• The stepping stone to joy is feeling like you are enough and feeling not enough is a form of loneliness. We need other people to tell us that we are enough. Not because we don't know it already, but the act of hearing it from someone else and equally the act of taking the time to remind someone else they're enough, is part of what makes us feel we're enough. We give and we receive and we are made whole.
• It is a normal healthy condition of humanity to need other people to remind us that we can trust ourselves. That we can be as tender and compassionate with ourselves as we would be as our best selves toward any suffering child. To need help feeling enough is not a pathology. It is not neediness. It's as normal as your need to assure the people you love that they can trust themselves, that they can be as tender and compassionate with themselves as you would be with them. This exchange, this connection, is the springboard from which we launch into a joyful life. 
  
• Wellness is not a state of mind but a state of action. It is the freedom to move through the cycles of being human and this on-going mutual exchange of support is the essential action of wellness. It is the flow of givers giving and accepting support in all its many forms.
• The cure for burnout is not self-care. It is all of us caring for one another so we'll say it one more time: trust your body. Be kind to yourself. You are enough just as you are right now. Your joy matters. Please tell everyone you know.

TLDR:

• Just because you've dealt with a stressor doesn't mean you've dealt with the stress. You don't have to wait until all the stressors are dealt with before you deal with your stress. Which is to say that you don't have to wait for the world to be better before you make your life better and by making your life better, you make the world better. 
• Wellness is not a state of being, but a state of action. It is the freedom to move fluidly through  the cyclical oscillating experiences of being human.
• Human-giver syndrome is the contagious false belief that you have a moral obligation to give every drop of your humanity, your time, attention, energy, love, even your body, in support of others, no matter the cost to you. 
• Pay attention to how different it feels to interact with people who treat you with care and generosity versus people who treat you as if they are entitled to whatever they want from you. 
• Humans are not built to function autonomously. We are built to oscillate from connection to autonomy and back again. Connection with friends, family, pets, The Divine, etc is as necessary as food and water. 

-Reread November 2024

-Reread December 2025 - This book hits home every time

Goodreads says:

This groundbreaking book explains why women experience burnout differently than men—and provides a simple, science-based plan to help women minimize stress, manage emotions, and live a more joyful life.

Burnout. Many women in America have experienced it. What’s expected of women and what it’s really like to be a woman in today’s world are two very different things—and women exhaust themselves trying to close the gap between them. How can you “love your body” when every magazine cover has ten diet tips for becoming “your best self”? How do you “lean in” at work when you’re already operating at 110 percent and aren’t recognized for it? How can you live happily and healthily in a sexist world that is constantly telling you you’re too fat, too needy, too noisy, and too selfish?

Sisters Emily Nagoski, PhD, and Amelia Nagoski, DMA, are here to help end the cycle of feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. Instead of asking us to ignore the very real obstacles and societal pressures that stand between women and well-being, they explain with compassion and optimism what we’re up against—and show us how to fight back. In these pages you’ll learn

• what you can do to complete the biological stress cycle—and return your body to a state of relaxation
• how to manage the “monitor” in your brain that regulates the emotion of frustration
• how the Bikini Industrial Complex makes it difficult for women to love their bodies—and how to defend yourself against it
• why rest, human connection, and befriending your inner critic are keys to recovering and preventing burnout

With the help of eye-opening science, prescriptive advice, and helpful worksheets and exercises, all women will find something transformative in these pages—and will be empowered to create positive change. Emily and Amelia aren’t here to preach the broad platitudes of expensive self-care or insist that we strive for the impossible goal of “having it all.” Instead, they tell us that we are enough, just as we are—and that wellness, true wellness, is within our reach. 

They also have a Ted video that explains their ideas well: