Toxic Positivity (Whitney Goodman, LMFT)

This is a book I should have read when I was first called to be a Relief Society President. A lot of the information really agreed with what we learned in the Emotional Resilience class.  

The idea of thinking about why we are uncomfortable about listening to people's complaints really resonated with me.

She also has a chapter on complaining....when it's appropriate, how to move forward from it, etc.

Lots of my beliefs about happiness were challenged in this book! 

Notes:

The single biggest predictor of happiness is the quality of relationships but she reminds that relationships are never perfect. 

Life will challenge you and it will reward you.

Happiness isn't always the optimal emotion for every situation.

The universe may give you more than you can handle. Somehow, you will find the people, places and resources you need to handle it.

Not everything positive is toxic. 

Toxic positivity in the real world:

- tells people they shouldn't be feeling what they're feeling

= implies that people are negative if they can't find the silver lining in everything

- encourages people to be happy all the time and always see the good

- ends relationships or conversations because we don't want any negativity or bad vibes

- uses phrase or statements that diminish what the person is experiencing in an attempt to help them feel better or get over it

- only looks out for the good and ignores anything bad

- shames people for having bad days or negative moments

Helpful positivity:

- recognizes the value of seeing the good and allows people to arrive at their own beneficial conclusions and to take their time getting there

- recognizes that people have a variety of emotions, some more challenging than others, and allows people to see the good and the bad sides of any situation

- has an understanding that not all situations have a silver lining and we will still experience joy

- encourages emotional expression from others, with boundaries, and from within ourselves, knowing that for some to experience happiness, they often have to work through and process the pain

- looks for and recognizes the highs and lows of a situation

Goodreads says:

A powerful guide to owning our emotions--even the difficult ones--in order to show up authentically in the world, from the popular therapist behind the Instagram account @sitwithwhit.

Every day, we're bombarded with pressure to be positive. From "good vibes only" and "life is good" memes, to endless advice, to "look on the bright side," we're constantly told that the key to happiness is silencing negativity wherever it crops up, in ourselves and in others. Even when faced with illness, loss, breakups, and other challenges, there's little space for talking about our real feelings--and processing them so that we can feel better and move forward.

But if all this positivity is the answer, why are so many of us anxious, depressed, and burned out?

In this refreshingly honest guide, sought-after therapist Whitney Goodman shares the latest research along with everyday examples and client stories that reveal how damaging toxic positivity is to ourselves and our relationships, and presents simple ways to experience and work through difficult emotions. The result is more authenticity, connection, and growth--and ultimately, a path to showing up as you truly are.

The Obstacle is the Way (Ryan Holiday)

 

I'm buying this one and putting it on my canon list...books to read at least annually. It is so good! I tire of people who tell you to just be positive. This book does that, but also has amazing examples and strategies along the way to help you with persistence. It took me a while to read it because I found myself wanting to record many of the great ideas an antidotes!

Notes:

p. 6 There is an old Zen story about a king whose people had grown soft and entitled. Dissatisfied with this state of affairs, he hoped to teach them a lesson. His plan was simple: He would place a large boulder in the middle of the main road, completely blocking entry into the city. He would then hide nearby and observe their reactions.
  How would they respond? Would they band together to remove it? Or would they get discouraged, quit and return home?
  With growing disappointment, the king watched as subject after subject came to this impediment and turned away. Or, at best, tried halfheartedly before giving up. Many openly complained or cursed the king or fortune or bemoaned the inconvenience, but none managed to do anything about it.
  After several days, a lone peasant came along on his way into town. He did not turn away. Instead he strained and strained, trying to push it out of the way. Then an idea came to him: He scrambled into a nearby woods to find something he could use for leverage. Finally, he returned with a large branch he had crafted into a lever and deployed it to dislodge the massive rock from the road. 
   Beneath the rock were a purse of gold coins and a note from the king, which said:
   "The obstacle in the path becomes the path. Never forget, within every obstacle is an opportunity to improve our condition."

p. 8 The things which hurt, instruct.
- Benjamin Franklin

p. 9 Three interdependent, interconnected, and the fluidly contingent disciplines: Perception, action and the will.

The Discipline of Perception

John D Rockefeller 
- bookkeeper and aspiring investor
- son of an alcoholic who'd abandoned his family
- took his first job at age 16 and earned fifty cents a day
- in financial crises he witnessed he had a sense of cool about him....he would observe how people were responding and then make his decisions
- once turned down $500,000 from investors who wanted him to find ways to invest it in oil. He had the strength to resist temptation or excitement

How to have his kind of success:
- be objective
- control emotions and keep an even keel
- choose to see the good in a situation
- keep nerves steady
- ignore what disturbs or limits others
- place things in perspective
- revert to the present moment
- focus on what CAN be controlled

Recognize Your Power

 Choose not to be harmed - and you won't feel harmed
Don't feel harmed - and you haven't been
- Marcus Aurelius

p. 23 Just because your mind tells you that something is awful or evil or unplanned or otherwise negative doesn't mean you have to agree. Just because other people say that something is hopeless or crazy or broken to pieces doesn't mean it is. We decide what story to tell ourselves. Or whether we will tell one at all. 
Welcome to the power of perception. Applicable in each adn every situation, impossible to obstruct. It can only be relinquished.
And that is your decision.

Steady Your Nerves
Things will inevitably come along to distract you from your work and your goals. Don't let it happen.
The author had two great stories:
1: Ulysses S Grant once sat for a photo shoot with the famous Civil War photographer, Mathew Brady. The studio was too dark, so Brady sent an assistant up to the roof to uncover a skylight. The assistant slipped and shattered the window. With horror, the spectators watched as shards of glass, two inches long fell from the ceiling like daggers, crashing around Grant - each of them plenty lethal.
As the last pieces hit the ground, Brady looked over and saw that Grant hadn't moved. He was unhurt. Grant glanced up at the hole in the ceiling, then back at the camera as though nothing had happened at all.

2: During the Overland Campaign, Grant was surveying the scene through field glasses when an enemy shell exploded, killing the horse immediately next to him. Grant's eyes stayed fixed on the front, never leaving the glasses.

Practice Objectivity
p. 35 Take your situation and pretend it is not happening to you. Pretend it is not important, that it doesn't matter. How much easier would it be for you to know what to do? How much more quickly and dispassionately could you size up the scenario and its options?

Alter Your Perspective
p. 37 Remember: We choose how we'll look at things. We retain the ability to inject perspective into a situation. We can't change the obstacles themselves - that part of the equation is set - but the power of perspective can change how the obstacles appear.

Is It Up To You?
Think serenity prayer. What can you really change? The author lists what is up to us: (p. 43)
Our emotions
Our judgments
Our creativity
Our attitude
Our perspective
Our desires
Our decisions
Our determination
What is not up to us? Well, you know. everything else. The weather, the economy, circumstances, other people's emotions or judgments, trends, disasters, etc.

Live in the Present Moment

p. 47 Focus on the moment, not the monsters that may or may not be up ahead.

I loved the list of companies started at inopportune times:

Fortune magazine (90 days after the market crash of 1929)
FedEx (oil crisis of 1973)
UPS (Panic of 1907)
Walt Disney Co (After 11 months of smooth operation, the 12th was the market crash of 1929)
Hewlett-Packard (Great Depression, 1935)
Charles Schwab (market crash of 1974-75)
Standard Oil (Rockefeller brought out his partners in what became Standard Oil and took over in Feb 1865, the final year of the Civil War)
Coors (Depression of 1873)
Costco (recession in the late 1970s)
Revlon (Great Depression, 1932)
General Motors (Panic of 1907)
Proctor and Gamble (Panic of 1837)
United Airlines (1929)
Microsoft (recession in 1973-75)
LinkedIn (2002, post-dot-com bubble)

Think Differently
Don't worry about what most people say. Most people say things like, Be realistic. Listen to feedback. Play well with others. Compromise.
Instead, the author suggests we should not be afraid. We can do it. Get your mind around it. Keep working! Do what most people won't do.

Finding the Opportunity
Look for the weak spot and capitalize! 
p. 55 There is good in everything, if only we look for it (Laura Ingalls Wilder)
If you mean it when you say you're at the endo f your rope and would rather quit, you actually have a unique chance to grow and improve yourself. A unique opportunity experiment with different solutions, to try different tactics, or to take on new projects to add to your skill set. You can study this bad boss and learn from him - while you fill out your resume and hit up contacts for a better job elsewhere. You can prepare yourself for that job by trying new styles of communication or standing up for yourself, all with a perfect safety net for yourself: quitting and getting out of there.
With this new attitude and fearlessness, who knows, you might be able to extract concessions and find that you like the job again. One day your boss will make a mistake, and then you'll make your move and outmaneuver them. It will feel so much better than the alternative-whining, bad-mouthing, duplicity, spinelessness.

Prepare to Act
p. 60 ...boldness is acting anyway, even though you understand the negative and the reality of your obstacle. Decide to tackle what stands in your way - not because you're a gambler defying the odds but because you've calculated them and boldly embraced the risk.

Get Moving
Sometimes the situation isn't perfect...but if you at least get started, you can straighten up the situation or perhaps look for other opportunities. He told a great story of Amelia Earhart. She worked as a social worker at first because she couldn't make a living as a pilot. One day someone asked her if she would like to be the first female pilot on a transatlantic flight. They told her their first choice had already backed out and that she wouldn't actually fly because there would be two men (stronger and smarter) who would do that. They would be paid very well but she was paid nothing. It was considered a very dangerous venture and they could all die. Doesn't sound very appealing - but she took it. After that, she was able to work herself into a position where she could be the first female to fly solo across the Atlantic. It would have never happened if she hadn't taken the less than perfect opportunity. 

Practice Persistence
Never quit!
Consider this mind-set:
- never in a hurry
- never worried
- never desperate
- never stopping short
p. 80 It's supposed to be hard. Your first attempts aren't going to work. It's going to take a lot out of you - but energy is an asset we can always find more of. It's a renewable resource. Stop looking for an epiphany, and start looking for weak points. Stop looking for angels, and start looking for angles. There are options. Settle in for the long haul and then try each and every possibility, and you'll get there.
When people ask where we are, what we're doing, how that "situation" is coming along, the answer should be clear: We're working on it. We're getting closer. When setbacks come, we respond by working twice as hard.

Iterate
Great entrepreneurs are:
- never wedded to a position
- never afraid to lose a little of their investment
- never bitter of embarrassed
- never out of the game for long

p. 86 Failure gives you feedback - precise instructions on how to improve....it's trying to teach you something, Listen

Do your job well
p. 96 Steve Jobs cared even about the inside of his products, making sure they were beautifully designed even though the users would never see them. Taught by his father - who finished even the back of his cabinets though they would be hidden against the wall - to think like a craftsman. In every design predicament, Jobs knew his marching orders: Respect the craft and make something beautiful. 
  Every situation is different, obviously. We're not inventing the next iPad or iPhone, but we are making something for someone - even if it's just our own resume. Every part - especially the work that nobody sees, the tough things we wanted to avoid or could have skated away from - we can treat the same way Jobs did: with pride and dedication.

The Discipline of the Will
p. 132 These lessons come harder but are, in the end, the most critical to wresting advantage from adversity. In every situation we can
Always prepare ourselves for more difficult times.
Always accept what we're unable to change.
Always manage our expectations.
Always persevere.
Always learn to love our fate and what happens to us.
Always protect our inner self, retreat into ourselves.
Always submit to a greater, larger cause.
Always remind ourselves of our own mortality

Anticipation (Thinking Negatively)
p. 139 Plan for what could go wrong (do a premortem). Be prepared for failure and ready for success.

Love everything that happens
p. 150 At age sixty-seven, Thomas Edison returned home early one evening from another day at the laboratory. Shortly after dinner, a man came rushing into his house with urgent news: A fire had broken out at Edison's research and production campus a few miles away.
 Fire engines from eight nearby towns rushed to the scene, but they could not contain the blaze. Fueled by the strange chemicals in various buildings, green and yellow flames shot up six and seven stories, threatening to destroy the entire empire Edison had spent his life building.
 Edison calmly but quickly made his way to the fire, through the now hundreds of onlookers and devasted employees, looking for his son. "Go get your mother and all her friends," he told his son with childlike excitement. "They'll never see a fire like this again."

p. 151 Within about three weeks, the factory was partially back up and running. Within a month, its men were working two shifts a day churning out new products the world had never seen. Despite a lof of almost $1 million dollars (more than $23 million in today's dollars), Edison would marshal enough energy to make nearly $10 million dollars in revenue that year ($200-plus million today). He not only suffered a spectacular disaster, but he recovered and replied to it spectacularly.

p. 154 The goal is:
Not: I'm okay with this.
Not: I think I feel good about this.
But: I feel great about it.
Because if it happened, then it was meant to happen, and I am glad that it did when it did. I am meant to make the best of it.

Stickler Loves The World (Lane Smith)

 

Happiness comes from noticing all the beauty around us. Stickler has that figured out! 


Goodreads says:

From award-winning author/illustrator Lane Smith comes Stickler, a woodland creature who reminds us to appreciate the everyday wonders we often ignore. In a picture book that’s both silly and sweet, readers will find Stickler’s enthusiasm irresistible and see the world anew.

And just think of the wonders we must pass every day without even noticing!

Stickler, an original character covered in sticks and with multiple ever-changing eyes, loves its little world. With best friend Crow, it shares the wonders of all the amazing things the world has to offer. Stickler is astonished by the ordinary, such as the sun and the stars, as well as fascinated by those things in nature that are often overlooked, such as swirling seed pods falling from the sky. The two pals wander about the world, stopping to appreciate the many marvels along the way, especially its beloved sticks, each one unique.

Stickler Loves the World encourages awareness and mindfulness with a joyous and lighthearted touch. The award-winning illustrator of bestsellers including Penguin Problems and Giraffe Problems brings imagination and humor to a story that features a delightful and original character.

More Than A Body (Lexie Kite and Lindsay Kite)

 

My daughter recommended this book to me. I'm so glad! I think this should be required reading for all teenagers and women. For me, it'll take more than one read. I plan to put it on my list of books to re-read annually.

Goodreads says:
"An indispensable resource for women of all ages, this is a guide to help us better connect to ourselves, to value ourselves, to love ourselves, and ultimately, to be ourselves."

—Chelsea Clinton

Positive body image isn’t believing your body looks good; it is knowing your body is good, regardless of how it looks.

How do you feel about your body? Have you ever stayed home from a social activity or other opportunity because of concern about how you looked? Have you ever passed judgment on someone because of how they looked or dressed? Have you ever had difficulty concentrating on a task because you were self-conscious about your appearance?

Our beauty-obsessed world perpetuates the idea that happiness, health, and ability to be loved are dependent on how we look, but authors Lindsay and Lexie Kite offer an alternative vision. With insights drawn from their extensive body image research, Lindsay and Lexie—PhDs and founders of the nonprofit Beauty Redefined (and also twin sisters!)—lay out an action plan that arms you with the skills you need to reconnect with your whole self and free yourself from the constraints of self-objectification.

From media consumption to health and fitness to self-reflection and self-compassion, Lindsay and Lexie share powerful and practical advice that goes beyond “body positivity” to help readers develop body image resilience—all while cutting through the empty promises sold by media, advertisers, and the beauty and weight-loss industries. In the process, they show how facing your feelings of body shame or embarrassment can become a catalyst for personal growth.

A Good Thing Happened Today (Michelle Figueroa)

 

After a day at the ski hill, we needed a light read. This one was lovely! After we talked about acts of kindness we saw today and then we watched videos from the tiktok account @thatgoodnewsgirl There is a lot of good in the world! 

Goodreads says:

A lyrical picture book that highlights good moments—from small to big—that inspire children to become the good news in the world! Written by the creator of Good News Movement, Michelle Figueroa, and illustrated by #1  New York Times  bestselling illustrator Ramona Kaulitzki. A good thing happened today. Hooray! Did you hear? Good things are happening every day, and everywhere! A rhythmic collection of happiness and hope inspired by real-life good news, this book reminds us that there are positive things happening every day and we can all be a part of it. Perfect for graduation, birthdays, and anytime reading.

Smart Cookie (Jory John)

 

Jory John is amazing! This story is brilliant.

My students don't really get many of the play on words....but they love the illustrations.

Goodreads says:

Be a smart cookie—and don’t miss the fifth picture book in the #1 New York Times bestselling Food Group series from creators Jory John and Pete Oswald!

This cookie has never felt like a smart cookie no matter how hard she tries, especially in comparison to all the clever cupcakes and brilliant rolls in the bakery. Will a dash of creativity and a sprinkle of confidence be enough to help her learn that perfect scores and having all the answers aren’t the only ingredients for intelligence?

Jory John and Pete Oswald serve up another heaping plate of laughs and lessons with this empowering, witty, and charming addition to their #1 New York Times bestselling series!