A Time to Gather (Bruce Feiler)

 

A while ago I decided I needed to re-read more often. Each month I pick a book that is worth re-reading. This month I was to re-read The Ritual Effect, but this book came up in my e-book holds at the library so I decided to read it instead. It was well-worth it and a good companion to The Ritual Effect. 

I really like this author. I put a couple more of his books on hold.

The first few chapters were about rituals we go through in life: birth rituals, entering adulthood, marriage, divorce...and of course, death. I read the death chapter while at my Auntie Shirley's building. I was waiting for her to arrive back at the senior's home from the hospital. I went down to the chapel where it was quiet and read there. They had a table set up with pictures of people who had passed away over the past six months (or maybe it was a year. I can't recall). Anyway, it was a weird mash up of coincidences to be reading about death outside a Catholic chapel with pictures and birth and death dates of all the people from that home. 

Notes:

- p. 229 Rituals are a means of collective time travel. And there's no better place to begin those trips than from our original home: nature.

- p. 250 When times are easy and there's plenty to go around, individuals can go it alone. But when conditions are harsh and life is tenuous, it takes a team sworn to reciprocity to keep life going forward (actually from Braiding Sweetgrass).

p. 260 What distinguishes ritual from routine and habit:

• Rituals are intentional, symbolic, elevated actions
• Routines are intentional, repeated actions.
• Habits are automatic, repeated actions

Chapter 12 was called The Garden of Lost Children all about rituals around pregnancy loss - miscarriage, stillborn births, death of children and even abortions. He had a lot of information about stillborn children - which of course, really touched me. I had a stillborn baby in 2007. She would be 19 this year! 

• p. 335 Apparently, King Tut (Tutankhamen) was buried with two stillborn baby girls. ...largely because Carter kept it secret. p. 338 In 1978, the two mummies were x-rayed and discovered to be stillborn girls who had died at twenty-four and thirty-six weeks. They had congenital abnormalities related to spina bifida that are consistent with inbreeding - Tutankhamen's parents were biological siblings, which explains his twisted spine, elongated skull, and club foot; his wife was his half sister. In 2001, The British medical historian Geoffrey Chamberlain argued that the mummies were identical girls who suffered from twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome - the same condition the author and his wife and been warned about - which led to their premature deaths.

• p. 338 I met a woman who every year on the anniversary of her abortion would make a meal that her child would have liked at that age - in the early years it was juice boxes and candy necklaces, in the teenage years it was hamburgers and french fries. She would knit a red cap, place a bib on the statue, and serve a meal. It was an ocean of love.
• p. 340 Irish traditions around baby deaths - they would bury corpses under the roofs of churches, a practice known as eaves-drop burials, so that dripping water might stealthily baptize their unprotected children
• p. 343 Many of the rituals around child death are done in a group. There's so much shame around losing a child. The only medicine strong enough to counter that pain is the bllessings of not being alone.
• p. 344 In the 2000s, scholars released studies showing that parents who see, hold, sniff, dress, kiss, and comfort their stillborn children have better mental health outcomes than those denied the privilege.
• p. 346 As Cheryl Haggard observed (started an organization called Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, a nonprofit that offers free, professional remembrance photos to families that have lost a child), "Some may look at us and think we photograph dead or dying babies, my perspective is: We don't photograph death, we capture love. And the love between a parent and a child can never be broken."
• Chapter 13 is called A Moment of Hope and is all about cleansing rituals (water or oil....if only the author knew about our temples) and renewing rituals (again....this made me think of our temple). It also talked about "potlatches"....a ritual where people give all they have collected to those less fortunate (hello law of consecration?)
• Interesting podcast to check out: Shame Pinata: Creating Rites of Passage for Real-Life Transitions
• p. 383 Rituals connect us; the correct imbalances among us; they celebrate our loftiest moments; they chronicle our deepest aspirations. But mostly they make us feel at home. As Thomas Hovenden captured in another moment of national crises, they replace our grief over broken home ties with a vision of ties that bind.

P. 393 How to design your own rituals: 

• 1. Reverence: Do what makes you feel at home. Identify what you're most missing from home  - whether that's safety, empathy, love, or joy - and design a ritual with that goal in mind
• 2. Context: Identify your tension; define your intention. It must address the underlying uncertainty, fluidity and instability in the group; and provide comfort, relief, and support for that volatility. Ask, "What is our pain point? What is the tension, transition, or turbulence that we're experiencing?" Then, "What intention matches that tension?"
• A = agency (what we do, make, or create; our me story)
• B = belonging (our relationships, friends, loved ones, and colleagues; our we story)
• C = cause (a calling, mission, or purpose, our thee story)
• 3. Options: off-the-shelf or do-it-yourself, big or small, sacred space or third space.
• 4. Pointers: The four somethings (old, new, borrowed, you)
• 5. Instructions: boundaries, stakes, compromise, empathy, hope 
• draw a boundary that defines the sacred space
• articulate the stakes
• compromise-rehearse on something important
• create and atmosphere of empathy
• end with a moment of hope

• p. 400 Rituals work in times of change because they titrate change. They work in times of social upheaval because they modulate social upheaval. They work in times of religious flux because the bridge the religious, the irreligious, the spiritual, and the I'm not religious but I'm spiritual.
• Rituals work because they are acts. They are values lived out loud. As the old adage goes, it's easier to act oneself into a new way of thinking than to think oneself into a new way of acting. A genius of ritual is that it's an old way of acting that leads to a new way of thinking.
• Rituals work because they are shared. Our earliest ancestors shouted, waved sticks, and stamped their feet in unison to signal to predators that they were more powerful together than they were apart; our latest brain researchers have shown that when we sing, dance, eat, or work together, not only do our bodies synchronize, but our feelings do, too. To be in union is to become a union; to be in a group is to become a groupkeeper.
• Rituals work because they are unnecessary. We live in a stranglehold of necessities, with deadening schedules, dulling routines, and draining obligations. Rituals are the unnecessities that unyoke those necessities - they upend schedules, disrupt routines, sideline obligations. They force us to focus on what Keats deemed our "negative capability," the ability to be in "uncertainties, Mysteries, doubts" without reflexively grasping for reason or explanation.
• Finally, rituals work because they are portable, replicable versions or home. "The ache for home lives in all of us," Maya Angelou said, "The safe place where we can go as we are." Today we need that safe space more than ever - for morale making, for meaning making, for memory making.

Goodreads says:

At a time when our shared humanity is under threat and traditional life rituals are losing favor, one of our great decoders of human connection chronicles the astonishing rise of reinvented life rituals around the world and offers a blueprint for restoring togetherness.

It’s easy to be overwhelmed by the sharp decline in the types of life rituals that have been the tentpoles of family and community life since time immemorial. Birth rituals have plummeted, as have comings-of-age. Fewer than half of Americans are married today; only one in three is buried. “It took us ten thousand years to establish cultural norms around how we mark collective life transitions,” writes Bruce Feiler. “It took us fifty years to dismantle them.” We have clearly entered what Feiler calls a “celebration recession.” Can this threat to society be reversed? 

Feiler wanted to find out. As he did with his groundbreaking series Walking the Bible, Feiler went on a round-the-world ritual road trip, attending—and participating in—life rituals in sixteen countries on six continents. These rarely seen spectacles include an adolescent tooth filing in Bali, a mass baptism in the Vatican, and a tribal bride price negotiation in South Africa. He witnessed six weddings in a day in Las Vegas and ten funerals in a week in Ireland.

As he did with Life Is in the Transitions, Feiler also gathered the stories of a hundred ritual designers in twenty-six countries, including a Pentecostal priest in Nigeria who started a fertility circle, the creator of the Purple Pundit Project in New Jersey who leads LGBTQ+ Hindu weddings, and the founder of an app in Canada that helps “create your own rites of passage.”

What Feiler emerged with is a literary achievement, at once a great adventure story in the tradition of Sebastian Junger and Cheryl Strayed; a richly reported sociological portrait in the vein of Robert Putnam and Barbara Ehrenreich; and a conversation-shaping piece of social commentary in the mode of David Brooks and Jonathan Haidt.

Far from a ritual recession, we are in the midst of a  ritual renaissance, one that our outdated radar screens have failed to pick up. Fed up with top-down life rituals, everyday people are reimagining rituals at a pace unseen in human history. From boomers to Gen Z and boosted by social media, this new movement is reviving life rituals for a new century and building thriving communities in the process.

From a master storyteller on the trail of an urgent, untold story, what Feiler has created is a hopeful field guide to modern ritual; a tool kit for infusing collective meaning into our lives; and, perhaps, a framework for repairing our homesick world.

168 Hours: You Have More Time Than You Think (Laura Vanderkam)

 

I really enjoyed this book and I buy into her theories. Some of the reviews I read were quite critical and not complimentary. When I read a book like this, I tend to take what might work for me and don't worry about the rest - and I think she means that as she writes it. It has a ton of ideas. Take what works for you and leave the rest. You can fit in what really matters to you. For example, I want to be an exerciser - but even in summer break I can't seem to fit it in. Clearly, that's a matter of priorities. She says that if the average person started exercising every time he was tempted to turn on the tube, he could be doing triathlons competitively within a few years (chapter 8: A Full Life).

What works for me:

• She says that most of us are not as busy as we think. I believe that is true. There is always room to assess how we're spending out time. She really advocates for tracking your time. I would like to do that - but I would like an easy system - preferably on my phone. Is there an app?
• After you have tracked your time, start totaling the categories and do a personal self-evaluation about how you're spending your time
• She encourages you to make a list of 1000 dreams (chapter 2). Pick the activities that really matter to you and schedule them in first. 
• 100 things you'd like to do during your life time (pick your categories and list 10 things)
• 10 places you want to visit
• 10 books you want to rest
• 10 restaurants you want to try
• 10 skills you want to learn
• 10 financial goals you have for yourself
• 10 books (articles) you want to publish
• etc!
• Figure out what your core competencies are (what matters most and what you are actually good at doing) and outsource the rest, if you can
• Create a block schedule where you plan to fit in the things that are most important to you (in other words, the big rocks first theory)
• Give yourself time to do the things you love. You'll be happier.

I read this on my kobo. When I was finished, it told me how long I took to read it that I spent an average of 11 minutes per reading session - which surprised me. My goal is to spend 30 minutes reading every morning....and frankly, I thought I was doing that - but apparently I read this more in smaller spurts than that.

Goodreads says:

There are 168 hours in a week. This is your guide to getting the most out of them.

It's an unquestioned truth of modern life: we are starved for time. We tell ourselves we'd like to read more, get to the gym regularly, try new hobbies, and accomplish all kinds of goals. But then we give up because there just aren't enough hours to do it all. Or if we don't make excuses, we make sacrifices- taking time out from other things in order to fit it all in.

There has to be a better way...and Laura Vanderkam has found one. After interviewing dozens of successful, happy people, she realized that they allocate their time differently than most of us. Instead of letting the daily grind crowd out the important stuff, they start by making sure there's time for the important stuff. When plans go wrong and they run out of time, only their lesser priorities suffer.

Vanderkam shows that with a little examination and prioritizing, you'll find it is possible to sleep eight hours a night, exercise five days a week, take piano lessons, and write a novel without giving up quality time for work, family, and other things that really matter.

Feeling Good (David Burns)

 

This was good. I especially liked the ideas for strategies to work on cognitive distortions.

Goodreads says:

The good news is that anxiety, guilt, pessimism, procrastination, low self-esteem, and other "black holes" of depression can be cured without drugs. In Feeling Good, eminent psychiatrist, David D. Burns, M.D., outlines the remarkable, scientifically proven techniques that will immediately lift your spirits and help you develop a positive outlook on life. Now, in this updated edition, Dr. Burns adds an All-New Consumer′s Guide To Anti-depressant Drugs as well as a new introduction to help answer your questions about the many options available for treating depression.

- Recognise what causes your mood swings
- Nip negative feelings in the bud
- Deal with guilt
- Handle hostility and criticism
- Overcome addiction to love and approval
- Build self-esteem
- Feel good everyday

Joyful Anyway (Kate Bowler)

 

When I heard about this book, I had to go buy it right away. It was just what I was looking for. My word of the year for 2026 is shine, as in, "...this little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine!" I have felt like there is so much that is hard. Education right now is a hard place. There is frustration with the government and teacher's rights, funding and growing misunderstandings with teachers and the government. My school is a hard place. We have had tragedy occur and despite many professing that we are one happy family, there is pettiness and cliques and heartache as fall out and I'm not sure how it'll get fixed. And then there are all the regular life struggles....but I'm supposed to feel joy, right? This book felt like a manual to finding that joy and showing it. 

Kate Bowler is a wise woman. This is a book I will read again and again until I really get it. I will read it again and again until I can really live it. I felt like a lot of this book was written like parables. They need pondering and time. There were a lot of great tidbits to grab and hold on to. I bet every story would speak differently to every person.

Goodreads says:

The bestselling author and Duke University professor discovers the true magic of it appears when we least expect it—and even if we don’t feel happy, we can be joyful, anyway.

Life aches. Joy is the cure.

After surviving a stage-four cancer diagnosis, Kate Bowler knew she was supposed to be grateful. Alive. Blessed. But she still ached—for more connection, more surprise, less resentment on an ordinary day.

So she went looking for joy. Not the toxic positivity kind. Not a 5-step plan. But the type that sneaks in unexpectedly, seemingly out of nowhere. A lemur sunbathing. A belly laugh at a funeral. A dive into the Atlantic with a shark wrangler.

In Joyful, Anyway, Bowler takes us on a hilarious and tender journey through big questions and small delights. With wry wit and deep honesty, she explores how joy can surprise us even in the middle of pain, boredom, and longing.

This is not a book about fixing your life. It is about how we can all find more—feel more—by making room for small extraordinary moments. 

For anyone who has ever felt stuck, who is achy for meaning, who feels undone by loss, who feels that joy is just out of reach, who wants, simply, to have more fun, Joyful Anyway is a delicious, insightful tour through the questions that sit in the deepest part of our souls. It proves that for every time we Is this it? Joy will there is more. 

The Gift of Not Belonging (Dr Rami Kaminski)

 

Very interesting! Good read for those who feel like they're neither an extrovert nor an introvert. Maybe you're an otrovert! 

I did the quiz. It said: 

You show moderate otrovert tendencies. You likely experience some emotional separation from group dynamics while still engaging socially. You might selectively connect with certain groups while maintaining distance from others. Your mixed profile suggests flexibility in how you relate to groups.

Goodreads says:

The first book to explore the distinct personality style of the otrovert — someone who lacks the communal impulse and does not fit in with any social group, regardless of its members — and to reveal all the advantages of being an otrovert and how otroverts contribute to the world.

If you were the kid who never wanted to go to summer camp, if you prefer spending time with friends one- on-one than going to parties, if you would rather forgo your vacation than travel with a tour group, and if you often engage in acts of silent rebellion against group norms and traditions, you are very likely an otrovert.

Dr Kaminski has been studying this personality style for over 30 years. He explains that, while otroverts enjoy deep and fulfilling one-on-one relationships, within groups they feel alienated, uncomfortable, and alone. Unlike introverts, who crave solitude and are easily drained by social interactions, otroverts can be quite gregarious and rarely tire from one-on-one socialising. And unlike loners, or people who have been marginalised based on their identity, otroverts are socially embraced and often popular — yet are unable to conform with what the group collectively thinks or cares about.

And therein lie the great gifts of being an otrovert. When you have no affinity for any particular group, your sense of self-worth is not conditioned on the group’s approval. And, best of all, you know no other way to think other than to think for yourself. The Gift of Not Belonging urges otroverts to embrace their unique gifts, and equips them with the knowledge and tools to thrive in a communal world.

The Coddling of the American Mind (Greg Lukianoff, Jonathan Haidt)

 

This book started from an article published in The Atlantic.  It makes for a great audio book. I quite enjoyed it. They have a website: www.thecoddling.com 

They talk a lot about cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), which is great. Cognitive distortions are something we should all review, often, I think! 

I've often looked for something to read about how to discuss tricky topics like politics and religion. In this book, I realized that actually, there aren't any tricks. It just needs to be happen. We need to be able to hear and discuss things we disagree about.

This book discusses and emphases three important quotes:

• Prepare the child for the road, not the road for the child. (unknown) 
• ....in other words, helicopter parenting is not healthy. 
• Your worst enemy cannot harm you as much as your own thoughts unguarded. But once mastered, no one can help you as much, not even your father or your mother (Budda)
• The line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being (Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn)
• ...in other words, no one is simply evil, everyone has good ideas

Goodreads says:

Something is going wrong on many college campuses in the last few years. Rates of anxiety, depression, and suicide are rising. Speakers are shouted down. Students and professors say they are walking on eggshells and afraid to speak honestly. How did this happen?

First Amendment expert Greg Lukianoff and social psychologist Jonathan Haidt show how the new problems on campus have their origins in three terrible ideas that have become increasingly woven into American childhood and what doesn’t kill you makes you weaker; always trust your feelings; and life is a battle between good people and evil people. These three Great Untruths are incompatible with basic psychological principles, as well as ancient wisdom from many cultures. They interfere with healthy development. Anyone who embraces these untruths—and the resulting culture of safetyism—is less likely to become an autonomous adult able to navigate the bumpy road of life.

Lukianoff and Haidt investigate the many social trends that have intersected to produce these untruths. They situate the conflicts on campus in the context of America’s rapidly rising political polarization, including a rise in hate crimes and off-campus provocation. They explore changes in childhood including the rise of fearful parenting, the decline of unsupervised play, and the new world of social media that has engulfed teenagers in the last decade.


This is a book for anyone who is confused by what is happening on college campuses today, or has children, or is concerned about the growing inability of Americans to live, work, and cooperate across party lines.

https://youtu.be/IUePfXsuHLE?si=aBrJ8rSd7vhhhtEA 

Originals (Adam Grant)

 

Thinking out of the box, not worrying about being like everyone else or what is acceptable - this book has great ideas for thinking out of the box and being original. Great read. It's one to go back to again and again, especially when you feel like you're in a rut.

Goodreads says:

In Originals the author addresses the challenge of improving the world from the perspective of becoming original: choosing to champion novel ideas and values that go against the grain, battle conformity, and buck outdated traditions. How can we originate new ideas, policies, and practices without risking it all?
 
Using surprising studies and stories spanning business, politics, sports, and entertainment, Grant explores how to recognize a good idea, speak up without getting silenced, build a coalition of allies, choose the right time to act, and manage fear and doubt; how parents and teachers can nurture originality in children; and how leaders can build cultures that welcome dissent. Learn from an entrepreneur who pitches his start-ups by highlighting the reasons not to invest, a woman at Apple who challenged Steve Jobs from three levels below, an analyst who overturned the rule of secrecy at the CIA, a billionaire financial wizard who fires employees for failing to criticize him, and a TV executive who didn’t even work in comedy but saved Seinfeld from the cutting-room floor. The payoff is a set of groundbreaking insights about rejecting conformity and improving the status quo.

Languishing (Corey Keyes)

 

The subtitle (How to Feel Alive Again in a World That Wears Us Down) is what drew me to this book. It was a good end of year read. The author has a compelling story from his own life, is well researched and has some practical tips on how to add spark to your life so you're flourishing instead of languishing.

His five vitamins of flourishing are:
Learn: Create stories of self-growth
Connect: Build warm and trusting relationships

Transcend: Accept the inevitable plot twists of life

Help: Find your purpose (even in the mundane)
Play: Step out and have fun

 10/10 recommend! 

I'm not sure how I found this book. I need to do a better job of keeping track of who recommends books. I think it must have been mentioned in other books I've read because he references a number of authors I'm familiar with like Adam Grant, Gretchen Rubin and others.

Some [people] see things as they are and say why?

I dream of things that never were and say, why not?

- John F Kennedy (p. 226)

Goodreads says:

The Emory University sociologist who coined the term languishing—low-grade mental weariness that affects our self-esteem, relationships, and motivation—explores the rise of this phenomenon and presents a comprehensive guide to flourishing in a world that demands too much.

If you’re muddling through the day in a fog, often forgetting why you walked into a room . . . 
If you feel emotionally flattened, lacking the energy to socialize or feel joy in the small things . . . 
If you feel an inner void—like something is missing, but you aren’t sure what . . . 

Then this book is for you.

Languishing—the state of mental weariness that erodes our self-esteem, motivation, and sense of meaning—can be easy to brush off as the new normal, especially since indifference is one of its symptoms. It’s not a synonym for depression and its attendant state of prolonged sadness. Languishers are more likely to feel out of control of their lives, uncertain about what they want from the future, and paralyzed when faced with decisions. Left unchecked, languishing not only impedes our daily functioning but is a gateway to serious mental illness and early mortality.

Emory University sociologist Corey Keyes has spent his career studying the causes and costs of languishing—the neglected middle child of mental health. Now Keyes has written the first definitive book on the subject, examining the subtle complexities of languishing before deftly diagnosing the larger forces behind its the false promises of the self-help industrial complex, a global moment of intense fear and loss, and a failing healthcare system focused on treating rather than preventing illness.

Ultimately, Keyes presents a groundbreaking approach to breaking the cycles keeping us stuck and finding a path to true flourishing. Unlike self-improvement systems offering quick-fix mood boosts, his framework focuses on functioning taking simple but powerful steps to hold our emotions loosely, becoming more accepting of ourselves and others, and carving out daily moments for the activities that create cycles of meaning, connection, and personal growth.

Languishing is a must-read for anyone tempted to downplay feelings of demotivation and emptiness as they struggle to haul themselves through the day, and for those eager to build a higher tolerance for adversity and the pressures of modern life. We can expand our vocabulary—and, with it, our potential to flourish.

The Anxious Generation (Jonathan Haidt)

 

Sometimes I hear people talk negatively about this book....that he doesn't really offer any real solutions or that he's catastrophizing. I, however, think he has a pretty compelling argument. I think I subconsciously keep choosing books like this because I want to be on my phone less. 

I should probably do something to deal with the guilt about all the things I did wrong with my own kids and cell phones.....

Some of his suggestions:
1. No cell phones until middle school. (A basic phone watch should suffice until then, if necessary.)
2. No SMART phones until high school.
3. No social media until 16 (18 would be better, but the author acknowledges that might be hard to do.)
4. More outside and free play.
5. Parents should supervise their kids more vigilantly online, but way less in the real world. (Helicoptering and over-controlling are also affecting our kids' development in negative ways.)
6. Schools should be entirely phone-free and provide phone lockers where kids can park their phones at the start of the day and pick them up at the end. There is plenty of evidence to suggest this can drastically improve focus during class as well as school culture. It's not enough to say kids can't have phones during class. Studies have shown that even having it put away in their bag to look at between classes still decreases attention and focus, and contributes to a toxic school culture.

Goodreads says:

A must-read for all parents: the generation-defining investigation into the collapse of youth mental health in the era of smartphones, social media, and big tech—and a plan for a healthier, freer childhood.

“With tenacity and candor, Haidt lays out the consequences that have come with allowing kids to drift further into the virtual world . . . While also offering suggestions and solutions that could help protect a new generation of kids.” —Shannon Carlin, ,i>TIME, 100 Must-Read Books of 2024

After more than a decade of stability or improvement, the mental health of adolescents plunged in the early 2010s. Rates of depression, anxiety, self-harm, and suicide rose sharply, more than doubling on many measures. Why?

In The Anxious Generation, social psychologist Jonathan Haidt lays out the facts about the epidemic of teen mental illness that hit many countries at the same time. He then investigates the nature of childhood, including why children need play and independent exploration to mature into competent, thriving adults. Haidt shows how the “play-based childhood” began to decline in the 1980s, and how it was finally wiped out by the arrival of the “phone-based childhood” in the early 2010s. He presents more than a dozen mechanisms by which this “great rewiring of childhood” has interfered with children’s social and neurological development, covering everything from sleep deprivation to attention fragmentation, addiction, loneliness, social contagion, social comparison, and perfectionism. He explains why social media damages girls more than boys and why boys have been withdrawing from the real world into the virtual world, with disastrous consequences for themselves, their families, and their societies.

Most important, Haidt issues a clear call to action. He diagnoses the “collective action problems” that trap us, and then proposes four simple rules that might set us free. He describes steps that parents, teachers, schools, tech companies, and governments can take to end the epidemic of mental illness and restore a more humane childhood.

Haidt has spent his career speaking truth backed by data in the most difficult landscapes—communities polarized by politics and religion, campuses battling culture wars, and now the public health emergency faced by Gen Z. We cannot afford to ignore his findings about protecting our children—and ourselves—from the psychological damage of a phone-based life.

Dopamine Nation (Anna Lembke, MD)

 

I've been trying to understand why some people don't or seem to be unable to change. This has a lot of good answers to that question.

Notes:

Lessons of the Balance

1. The relentless pursuit of pleasure and the avoidance of pain, leads to pain.

2. Recovery begins with abstinence.

3. Abstinence resets the brain's reward pathway, and with it our capacity to take joy in simple pleasures.

4. Self-binding creates literal and metacognitive space between desire and consumption, a literal necessity in our dopamine overloaded world

5. Medications can restore homeostasis, but consider what we lose by medicating away our pain.

6. Pressing on the pain side re-sets our balance to the side of pleasure.

7. Beware of getting addicted to pain.

8. Radical honesty promotes awareness, enhances intimacy and enhances a plenty mindset.

9. Pro-social shame affirms that we belong to the human tribe.

10. Instead of running away from the world, we can find escape by immersing ourselves in it.

Goodreads says:

This book is about pleasure. It's also about pain. Most important, it's about how to find the delicate balance between the two, and why now more than ever finding balance is essential. We're living in a time of unprecedented access to high-reward, high-dopamine stimuli: drugs, food, news, gambling, shopping, gaming, texting, sexting, Facebooking, Instagramming, YouTubing, tweeting... The increased numbers, variety, and potency is staggering. The smartphone is the modern-day hypodermic needle, delivering digital dopamine 24/7 for a wired generation. As such we've all become vulnerable to compulsive overconsumption.

In Dopamine Nation, Dr. Anna Lembke, psychiatrist and author, explores the exciting new scientific discoveries that explain why the relentless pursuit of pleasure leads to pain...and what to do about it. Condensing complex neuroscience into easy-to-understand metaphors, Lembke illustrates how finding contentment and connectedness means keeping dopamine in check. The lived experiences of her patients are the gripping fabric of her narrative. Their riveting stories of suffering and redemption give us all hope for managing our consumption and transforming our lives. In essence, Dopamine Nation shows that the secret to finding balance is combining the science of desire with the wisdom of recovery.

Do Nothing (Celeste Headlee)

 

I had no idea who Celeste Headlee was before reading this book. I like her! She's done a lot and written a lot. 

Bertrand Russell (in 1932!): It will be said that, while a little leisure is pleasant, men would not know how to fill their days if they had only four hours of work out of the twenty-four. In so far s this is true in the modern world, it is a condemnation of our civilization; it would not have been true at any earlier period. There was formerly a capacity for light-heartedness and play which has been to some extent inhibited by the cult of efficiency. The modern man thinks that everything out to be done for the sake of something else, and never for it's own sake. (In Praise of Idleness)

The beginning of the book could be summed up with the idea that working hard actually does not get you ahead - so cut it out. Also, "what are you working so hard for?! Your Puritan upbringing that taught you that idleness is sinful." 

I have a hard time giving up the concept of working hard. The second half of the book was more about how to analyze how you're really spending your time - which leads to the idea that you do have time to relax if you just quit scrolling or doing other time-wasters - which I can buy into.

Goodreads says:

Despite our constant search for new ways to 'hack' our bodies and minds for peak performance, human beings are working more instead of less, living harder not smarter, and becoming more lonely and anxious. We strive for the absolute best in every aspect of our lives, ignoring what we do well naturally. Why do we measure our time in terms of efficiency instead of meaning? Why can't we just take a break?

In Do Nothing, award-winning journalist Celeste Headlee illuminates a new path ahead, seeking to institute a global shift in our thinking so we can stop sabotaging our well-being, put work aside and start living instead of doing.

The key lies in embracing what makes us human: our creativity, our social connections (Instagram doesn't count), our ability for reflective thought, and our capacity for joy. Celeste's strategies will allow you to regain control over your life and break your addiction to false efficiency, including:

-Increase your time perception and determine how your hours are being spent.
-Stop comparing yourself to others.
-Invest in quality idle time. Take a hot bath and listen to music.
-Spend face-to-face time with friends and family

It's time to recover our leisure time and reverse the trend that's making us all sadder, sicker, and less productive.

Before Happiness (Shawn Achor)

 

Notes:

The author says that we can create positive realities...and when we do that, we are happier. Happiness actually comes before success, not from it.

His TedTalk is worth watching.

1. Reality Architecture

- Realize that multiple versions of reality exist. Some will always see the negative and a few will see the positive. 

- Whichever one you choose to focus on, you can dramatically reduce the affects of stress.

- If you change your viewpoint, you can see different advantages
- Pursue the most advantageous reality

2. Mental Cartography

- Highlight meaning markers along the way

- Find many meanings and different ways to look at how you can achieve success - this is called reorienting your map for success

- Map your success routes before you look for escape routes

- Don't start at zero. Show yourself some progress you've already made and start there.

- Find points of progress you can celebrate along the way

3. Cancel the Noise - boost the signal that points to greater

- Noise check your life: is information coming in unusable, unpractical, hypothetical and distracting - cancel it out!  

- Do the 5% experiment. For two weeks, try to decrease your information intake by 5%. Cut out information that fits some of the information on "noise"

- Keep a car radio off for the first five minutes of your commute, limit TV news, and limit articles that report on negative events half a world away

- Create active noise canceling by posting a sign next to your desk listing the 3 waves of positive energy

    - I will keep my worry in proportion to the likelihood of the event

    - I will not ruin 10,000 days to be right on a handful

    - I will not equate worrying with being loving or responsible

- Fact Check - keep your worrying in proportion to the likelihood of the event by asking these two questions:

        1. How often has this negative event happened in the past?

        2. How often has this negative event occurred to me personally?

- Do a 5-minute writing exercise. Anytime you hear doubting voices, take 5 minutes to write about things you feel passionate and positive about (your children, your sports, your values, your faith). By actively canceling such noises, you can increase your performance by 10-15%.

- Exercise! Add exercise to your routine. It decreases anxiety by as much as 20%. 

4. Creating Positive Inception - transfer your reality to others

- The person who speaks first is often perceived to be the leader. Set the tone by saying something helpful first.

- The social script has to be written by someone. Why not you?! 

- Make your tone and look fit your words. Nod and smile when others are sharing to make your non-verbals positive.

- Change the script from tragedy to comedy. Humor wields more social influence.

- Share stories from people who have benefited from what you do to inspire others.

- Start each conversation with a compliment or encouraging comment

- Add 3 smiles: flex your powerful positivity muscle 3 times a day

- Write down funny things you hear and find a way to share it in the next 24 hours (but not with a FWD email or post!)

- Create a narrative - develop a shared positive narrative about a time you or your team overcame something. Write out a real story with climax, conflict and resolving action.

Working on your humor

- keep lists of jokes and funny stories

- watch comedy shows to work on your timing

Goodreads says:

Why are some people able to make positive change while others remain the same?

In his international bestseller, The Happiness Advantage, Harvard trained researcher Shawn Achor described why happiness is the precursor to greater success. This book is about what comes before both. Because before we can be happy or successful, we need to first develop the ability to see that positive change is possible. Only once we learn to see the world through a more positive lens can we summon all our motivation, emotion, and intelligence to achieve our personal and professional goals.

In Before Happiness, Achor reveals five actionable, proven strategies for changing our lens to positive:

· The Most Valuable Reality: See a broader range of ideas and solutions by changing the details on which your brain chooses to focus
· Success Mapping: Set goals oriented around the things in life that matter to you most, whether career advancement or family or making a difference in the world
· The X-spot: Use success accelerants to propel you more quickly towards those goals, whether finishing a marathon, reaching a sales target, learning a language, or losing 10 pounds
· Noise-Canceling: Boost the signal pointing you to opportunities and possibilities that others miss
· Positive Inception: Transfer these skills to your team, your employees, and everyone around you

By mastering these strategies, you’ll create an renewable source of positivity, motivation, and engagement that will allow you to reach your fullest potential in everything you do.

His TedTalk is great:

Supercommunicators (Charles Duhigg)

 

I read another book by this author called The Power of Habit. It was really good.

I had to do some reframing with this book. I know people that he describes. I have often labelled them as manipulators. They're good at working people and "getting them on their side". People who laugh a lot (and loud) with people seem fake to me. I'm aware that laughter is a social construct. 

When phones first came out people thought no one would have REAL conversations on the phone. Teenagers proved that wrong! Talking on the phone requires more annunciating. 

Online communication is tricker because there is no voice. For example, a winking emoji after sarcasm helps improve communication. Rules of good online communication: Over emphasize politeness. Express more gratitude, deference, greetings, apologies and hedges.

"The right conversation, at the right moment, can change everything."

p. 112 Less than 20% of the laughter in our sample was a response to anything resembling a formal effort at humor. Rather, people laughedbecause they wanted to connect with the person they were speaking with. The vast majority of laughs, Provine wrote, "seemed to follow rather banal remarks," such as "Does anyone have a rubber band?"; "It was nice meeting you too"; and "U think I'm done." Mutual playfulness, in -group feeling and positive emotional tone - not comedy - mark the social settings of most naturally occurring laughter," Province concluded. Laughter is powerful, he wrote, because it is contagious, "Immediate and involuntary, involving the most direct communication possible between people: Brain to brain."
We laugh, in other words, to show someone that we want to connec twith them - and our companions laugh back to demonstrate they want to connect with us, as well. ....and so it follows that we exhibit emotional intelligence not just by hearing another person's feelings, but by showing we have heard them. Laughter, and other nonlinguistic expressios such as gasps and sighs, or smiles and frowns, are emobidiments of the matching principle, which says that we communicate by aligning our behaviors until our brains become entrained.

But how we match other people matters...If we chuckle only slightly at someone's joke, while they laugh uproariously, we'll both see it as a sign that we're not in sync - or worse, that one of us is trying too hard, or the other is not trying hard enough.

p. 118 One of the reasons supercommunicators are so talented at picking up on how others feel is because they have a habit of noticing the energy in others' gestures, the volume of their voices, how fast they are speaking, their cadence and affect. They pay attention to whether someone's posture indicates they are feeling down, or if they are are so excited they can barely contain it. Supercommunicators allow themselves to match that energy and mood, or at least acknowledge it, and thereby make it clear they want to align. They help us see and hear our feelings via their own bodies and voices. By matching our mood and energy, they make it obvious they are trying to connect.

p. 142 In a conflict, we draw out emotions by proving we are listening. We prove we are listening by looping for understanding (1. ask questions, 2. Summarize what you heard. 3. Ask if you got it right and repeat until everyone agrees we understand.)

p. 163 In a conflict, everyone craves control, but trying to control someone is destructive. Focus on controlling yourself, your environment and the conflict's boundaries.

p. 193 How to talk about who we are:

1. Draw out multiple identities
2. Put everyone on equal footing
3. Create new groups by building on existing identities

Podcasts about this book:
Art of Manliness (ugh for that title) 

Articles about this book:

Time Magazine How to Have More Meaningful Conversations

Financial Times Super Communicators are Made, Not Born

Linked In A Useful Concise Summary of Supercommunicators by Charles Duhigg

Videos:
Four Minute Book Summaries

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1. The Three Conversation Types

Duhigg argues most interactions unfold within one (or a mix) of these:

Conversation Type	Central Question	Dominant Mode
Practical (Analytical)	“What’s this really about?”	Logic, evidence, decision-making
Emotional (Feelings)	“How do we feel?”	Emotions, vulnerabilities, empathy
Social / Identity‑based	“Who are we?”	Group roles, identity, self‑perception

2. The Matching Principle

Match others’ tone, pace, body language, and emotional energy to build rapport—and even entrain brainwaves in group settings.

3. Looping for Understanding - builds trust and ensures clarity

A three-step listening technique:

1. Ask a probing question

2. Repeat in your own words what you heard

3. Confirm accuracy with the speaker....ask if you got it right. 
   

4. Four Rules of “Learning Conversations”

To align conversations and deepen connection, follow these guidelines:

• Identify the conversation type

• Share and request goals

• Ask about feelings and share your own

• Note if identities or roles matter to what’s being discussed.

5. Navigating Conflict & Identity Safely

• Recognize conflict often stems from emotional or identity-based conversations.

• Prepare for tough conversations by listening first, acknowledging identities, avoiding generalizations, and using personal stories—not lectures.

6. Digital Communication Cues (Online Etiquette)

For online messaging and forums:

• Err on the side of politeness, limit sarcasm, express appreciation and deference, and avoid criticism in public threads.

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Actionable Takeaways

• Pause and Reflect: Before speaking, ask yourself what kind of conversation you want to have and what the other person might want.
• Ask Open-Ended Questions: Encourage others to share their values, beliefs, and experiences.
• Listen Actively: Pay attention to both verbal and nonverbal cues, and ask follow-up questions to show you're engaged.
• Express Empathy: Validate the other person's emotions and show that you understand their perspective.
• Share Your Own Vulnerabilities: Build trust by sharing your own experiences and feelings.
• Acknowledge Social Identities: Be aware of how social identities might be influencing the conversation, and create a safe space for diverse perspectives.
• Practice Looping for Understanding: Summarize what you heard and ask the speaker if the summary was accurate.

Goodreads says:

Who and what are supercommunicators? They're the people who can steer a conversation to a successful conclusion. They are able to talk about difficult topics without giving offence. They know how to make others feel at ease and share what they think. They're brilliant facilitators and decision-guiders. How do they do it?

In this groundbreaking book, Charles Duhigg unravels the secrets of the supercommunicators to reveal the art - and the science - of successful communication. He unpicks the different types of everyday conversation and pinpoints why some go smoothly while others swiftly fall apart. He reveals the conversational questions and gambits that bring people together. And he shows how even the most tricky of encounters can be turned around. In the process, he shows why a CIA operative was able to win over a reluctant spy, how a member of a jury got his fellow jurors to view an open-and-shut case differently, and what a doctor found they needed to do to engage with a vaccine sceptic.

Above all, he reveals the techniques we can all master to successfully connect with others, however tricky the circumstances. Packed with fascinating case studies and drawing on cutting-edge research, this book will change the way you think about what you say, and how you say it.