I have a goal this year to read the entire Old and New Testament. While I was reading this book I was in Genesis and marveled at how many people in the Bible have these same issues. Cain and Abel (Genesis 4), Sarah and Hagar (Genesis 16), Lot and his daughters (Genesis 19...gross!), Jacob and Esau (Genesis 25), Isaac and his Father-in-Law, Laban (Genesis 29-31), and then in the Book of Mormon, Nephi and his brothers, who do eventually just have to separate (2 Nephi 5).
This is a bigger problem than most people are willing to admit. It is something people don't like to talk about. People who consider estrangement or go ahead with their decision feel real pain. It is difficult because sometimes continuing an unhealthy relationship can be very painful, but so can estrangement. The book goes through many ways that estrangement happens: divorce, in-laws, money/inheritances, unmet expectations and value and lifestyle differences and also has some good strategies for how to resolve the fractures.
Interestingly, in the section about resolving these issues, one of the big topics was defensive ignorance, especially among parents. Often times parents will claim they have no idea why their child won't speak to them - yet they can list many situations that led to estrangement. The author has done a lot of research and found that defensiveness encourages us to selectively edit information we receive, "treating as "facts" events that help protect our self-esteem and discounting those that may threaten a positive perception of ourselves". (page 172) It's pretty hard to reconcile when people create their own reality. However, luckily, it isn't impossible and with good boundaries, can be done.
This is a bigger problem than most people are willing to admit. It is something people don't like to talk about. People who consider estrangement or go ahead with their decision feel real pain. It is difficult because sometimes continuing an unhealthy relationship can be very painful, but so can estrangement. The book goes through many ways that estrangement happens: divorce, in-laws, money/inheritances, unmet expectations and value and lifestyle differences and also has some good strategies for how to resolve the fractures.
Interestingly, in the section about resolving these issues, one of the big topics was defensive ignorance, especially among parents. Often times parents will claim they have no idea why their child won't speak to them - yet they can list many situations that led to estrangement. The author has done a lot of research and found that defensiveness encourages us to selectively edit information we receive, "treating as "facts" events that help protect our self-esteem and discounting those that may threaten a positive perception of ourselves". (page 172) It's pretty hard to reconcile when people create their own reality. However, luckily, it isn't impossible and with good boundaries, can be done.
The author gives some strategies to get started:
1. Perspective-taking: Think about how you may have played a part in the rift by considering the other person's perspective. It doesn't mean you have to accept it all - but considering their perspective might help with understanding.
2. Use the power of writing: This one made me nervous. I've received a few letters myself that I would have rather not. However, the author does suggest writing to understand the other person's perspective. In other words, write their story. He says it's important to step back from your highly emotional reactive viewpoint and write the history from another perspective.
3. Expand your feedback loop: Often people find solace in talking to people who understand their situation. However, talking to someone who may be considered "the other side" often helps. One of the strong suggestions was a group that uses the 12-step program like Alcoholics Anonymous. You often can't get perspective when trying to work through the problem with people inside your circle.
3. Expand your feedback loop: Often people find solace in talking to people who understand their situation. However, talking to someone who may be considered "the other side" often helps. One of the strong suggestions was a group that uses the 12-step program like Alcoholics Anonymous. You often can't get perspective when trying to work through the problem with people inside your circle.
Once you decide to reconcile, you can set up some healthy boundaries.
It was interesting to me that often parents are the ones who excuse their poor behavior and are surprised when children cut ties. The parents are usually the ones who really want to heal the rift and children are quite willing to move on without their parents. Family ties are not unbreakable. "...many estranged parents held firmly to two sets of expectations: that their past provision of support to their child obligates the child to relation in the relationship, and that family ties are so binding that even chronic stress in the relationship should not undo them." (page 194) These are faulty assumptions. "A child, however, is likely to view providing a stable childhood as a basic expectation of the parent-child relationship, not the one that requires lifetime loyalty in the face of a pattern of aversive interactions." (p. 194)
It was interesting to me that often parents are the ones who excuse their poor behavior and are surprised when children cut ties. The parents are usually the ones who really want to heal the rift and children are quite willing to move on without their parents. Family ties are not unbreakable. "...many estranged parents held firmly to two sets of expectations: that their past provision of support to their child obligates the child to relation in the relationship, and that family ties are so binding that even chronic stress in the relationship should not undo them." (page 194) These are faulty assumptions. "A child, however, is likely to view providing a stable childhood as a basic expectation of the parent-child relationship, not the one that requires lifetime loyalty in the face of a pattern of aversive interactions." (p. 194)
In order to reconcile, the author suggests these tools:
1. Change your expectations. You may just have to accept that the relative is not going to change to meet your expectations.
2. See how your relative has changed. Sometimes they do!
3. Determine the least you can accept
It seems that setting boundaries is key when you are related to someone that is unhealthy. Most people are anxious about reconciling because they don't want to work through what it will take to reconcile. These are the suggested tools:
1. Set clear terms: You have be specific because what one considers respectful interactions, the other might not understand.
2. Be persistent in setting limits: often, since patterns of interaction have gone on for many years, figuring out new rules for the relationship will take time. I liked the story of one of his participants in the study: "I have a back problem. I've learned that it's not like one day my back is going to get better. My back is laways going to be trouble, I just need to stretch it and exercise and do those kinds of things. So it is with my father. He is always going to have to push my little switches and mental triggers. I realized I needed to learn steps to manage them better." (p. 221)
3. Get counselling: Sometimes you need to talk to a professional to help you figure out what you want of a relationship and how to align expectations to reality. You have to make sure you're healthy before you can deal with anyone else's drama.
The author is sympathetic to situations where it just won't work, but he does give one last ditch effort to encourage people to reconcile with his "one last chance" chapter. The strategies he suggests are:
The author is sympathetic to situations where it just won't work, but he does give one last ditch effort to encourage people to reconcile with his "one last chance" chapter. The strategies he suggests are:
1. Use the new leverage in the relationship: if someone lets you know they've got limited time to live, ti might be worth giving it one last chance. It doesn't even have to be an end of life situation. It could just be a clearly stated, "I will give you one last chance." He says: If you have a relative desperate to reconnect, offer one last chance; if you are offered one last chance, take it. (page 244) He says that reconciliation can be a powerful engine for personal growth (page 245). Often the reconciling can do you more good than it can do the relationship. It leads to an enhanced sense of self.
Goodreads says:
Goodreads says:
Real solutions to a hidden epidemic: family estrangement.
Estrangement from a family member is one of the most painful life experiences. It is devastating not only to the individuals directly involved--collateral damage can extend upward, downward, and across generations, More than 65 million Americans suffer such rifts, yet little guidance exists on how to cope with and overcome them. In this book, Karl Pillemer combines the advice of people who have successfully reconciled with powerful insights from social science research. The result is a unique guide to mending fractured families.
Fault Lines shares for the first time findings from Dr. Pillemer's ten-year groundbreaking Cornell Reconciliation Project, based on the first national survey on estrangement; rich, in-depth interviews with hundreds of people who have experienced it; and insights from leading family researchers and therapists. He assures people who are estranged, and those who care about them, that they are not alone and that fissures can be bridged.
Through the wisdom of people who have been there, Fault Lines shows how healing is possible through clear steps that people can use right away in their own families. It addresses such questions as: How do rifts begin? What makes estrangement so painful? Why is it so often triggered by a single event? Are you ready to reconcile? How can you overcome past hurts to build a new future with a relative?
Tackling a subject that is achingly familiar to almost everyone, especially in an era when powerful outside forces such as technology and mobility are lessening family cohesion, Dr. Pillemer combines dramatic stories, science-based guidance, and practical repair tools to help people find the path to reconciliation.
Estrangement from a family member is one of the most painful life experiences. It is devastating not only to the individuals directly involved--collateral damage can extend upward, downward, and across generations, More than 65 million Americans suffer such rifts, yet little guidance exists on how to cope with and overcome them. In this book, Karl Pillemer combines the advice of people who have successfully reconciled with powerful insights from social science research. The result is a unique guide to mending fractured families.
Fault Lines shares for the first time findings from Dr. Pillemer's ten-year groundbreaking Cornell Reconciliation Project, based on the first national survey on estrangement; rich, in-depth interviews with hundreds of people who have experienced it; and insights from leading family researchers and therapists. He assures people who are estranged, and those who care about them, that they are not alone and that fissures can be bridged.
Through the wisdom of people who have been there, Fault Lines shows how healing is possible through clear steps that people can use right away in their own families. It addresses such questions as: How do rifts begin? What makes estrangement so painful? Why is it so often triggered by a single event? Are you ready to reconcile? How can you overcome past hurts to build a new future with a relative?
Tackling a subject that is achingly familiar to almost everyone, especially in an era when powerful outside forces such as technology and mobility are lessening family cohesion, Dr. Pillemer combines dramatic stories, science-based guidance, and practical repair tools to help people find the path to reconciliation.
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