Cultish: The Language of Fanatism (Amanda Montell)

 

I have a fascination with cults and I feel sympathy for those who get involved. Often they're just people looking for community. Life is hard. They want companionship. But they get swept up in the unhealthy environment without even realizing what is happening. This was so good I listened to it twice. As soon as it was finished, I started it again. 
She has a broad definition of cults but also cautions about being too quick to label things as cults. 
She quotes Casper Ter Kuile again and again. Love his book.

Notes:

Part 1 talks about her experience and how the word cult has changed over time. It was once a neutral term for religious worship but gradually became associated with manipulation, extremism, and dangerous groups. She argues that many popular ideas about cults are oversimplified.

- the author's father was part of a cult called Synanon

Part 2 Congratulations - You have bene chosen to join the next evolutionary level above human (or in other words, how the recruiting works)

- the first steps are creating an "us versus them" language

- confirmation bias (look for what you agree with and ignore the rest)

- she talks about Trumps similarities to Jim Jones (nicknames, zealous deliveries, populous language, insider terminology/loaded language where they twist the meaning of familiar language to create dog-whistles, semantic stop signs like "don't believe what you see, believe me", "it is what it is", "boys will be boys" to alleviate cognitive dissonance). Jones also villainized the media (as does Trump, Putin, Erdoğan in Turkey, Xi Ping in China and in the past Nixon, Stalin and Hitler also did this). She also admits that it isn't always helpful to point this things out to people who love Trump. 

- talk is vague to leave space for change and followers can project whatever they want on to the languages to 

- Cults she explains: Heaven's Gate, Jim Jones, Tia Swan

I had a big lightbulb moment when she discussed QAnon in the last chapter. I've always wondered how so many women I know became obsessed with saving children from trafficking. It was a big thing for a while with Women Changers groups. Now they seem to have gone quiet....along with QAnon. It seems QAnon warned about child trafficking and said that Trump would fix the problem. Ah ha!! Many of the women I know who were involved with this are right wing Maga people. Make sense now!

- good recruits are service minded, good natured and sharp, not people with psychological problems.

Goodreads says:
What makes “cults” so intriguing and frightening? What makes them powerful? The reason why so many of us binge Manson documentaries by the dozen and fall down rabbit holes researching suburban moms gone QAnon is because we’re looking for a satisfying explanation for what causes people to join—and more importantly, stay in—extreme groups. We secretly want to know: could it happen to me? Amanda Montell’s argument is that, on some level, it already has . . .

Our culture tends to provide pretty flimsy answers to questions of cult influence, mostly having to do with vague talk of “brainwashing.” But the true answer has nothing to do with freaky mind-control wizardry or Kool-Aid. In Cultish, Montell argues that the key to manufacturing intense ideology, community, and us/them attitudes all comes down to language. In both positive ways and shadowy ones, cultish language is something we hear—and are influenced by—every single day.

Through juicy storytelling and cutting original research, Montell exposes the verbal elements that make a wide spectrum of communities “cultish,” revealing how they affect followers of groups as notorious as Heaven’s Gate, but also how they pervade our modern start-ups, Peloton leaderboards, and Instagram feeds. Incisive and darkly funny, this enrapturing take on the curious social science of power and belief will make you hear the fanatical language of “cultish” everywhere.

Feeling Good (David Burns)

 

This was good. I especially liked the ideas for strategies to work on cognitive distortions.

Goodreads says:

The good news is that anxiety, guilt, pessimism, procrastination, low self-esteem, and other "black holes" of depression can be cured without drugs. In Feeling Good, eminent psychiatrist, David D. Burns, M.D., outlines the remarkable, scientifically proven techniques that will immediately lift your spirits and help you develop a positive outlook on life. Now, in this updated edition, Dr. Burns adds an All-New Consumer′s Guide To Anti-depressant Drugs as well as a new introduction to help answer your questions about the many options available for treating depression.

- Recognise what causes your mood swings
- Nip negative feelings in the bud
- Deal with guilt
- Handle hostility and criticism
- Overcome addiction to love and approval
- Build self-esteem
- Feel good everyday

The Gift of Not Belonging (Dr Rami Kaminski)

 

Very interesting! Good read for those who feel like they're neither an extrovert nor an introvert. Maybe you're an otrovert! 

I did the quiz. It said: 

You show moderate otrovert tendencies. You likely experience some emotional separation from group dynamics while still engaging socially. You might selectively connect with certain groups while maintaining distance from others. Your mixed profile suggests flexibility in how you relate to groups.

Goodreads says:

The first book to explore the distinct personality style of the otrovert — someone who lacks the communal impulse and does not fit in with any social group, regardless of its members — and to reveal all the advantages of being an otrovert and how otroverts contribute to the world.

If you were the kid who never wanted to go to summer camp, if you prefer spending time with friends one- on-one than going to parties, if you would rather forgo your vacation than travel with a tour group, and if you often engage in acts of silent rebellion against group norms and traditions, you are very likely an otrovert.

Dr Kaminski has been studying this personality style for over 30 years. He explains that, while otroverts enjoy deep and fulfilling one-on-one relationships, within groups they feel alienated, uncomfortable, and alone. Unlike introverts, who crave solitude and are easily drained by social interactions, otroverts can be quite gregarious and rarely tire from one-on-one socialising. And unlike loners, or people who have been marginalised based on their identity, otroverts are socially embraced and often popular — yet are unable to conform with what the group collectively thinks or cares about.

And therein lie the great gifts of being an otrovert. When you have no affinity for any particular group, your sense of self-worth is not conditioned on the group’s approval. And, best of all, you know no other way to think other than to think for yourself. The Gift of Not Belonging urges otroverts to embrace their unique gifts, and equips them with the knowledge and tools to thrive in a communal world.

The Coddling of the American Mind (Greg Lukianoff, Jonathan Haidt)

 

This book started from an article published in The Atlantic.  It makes for a great audio book. I quite enjoyed it. They have a website: www.thecoddling.com 

They talk a lot about cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), which is great. Cognitive distortions are something we should all review, often, I think! 

I've often looked for something to read about how to discuss tricky topics like politics and religion. In this book, I realized that actually, there aren't any tricks. It just needs to be happen. We need to be able to hear and discuss things we disagree about.

This book discusses and emphases three important quotes:

• Prepare the child for the road, not the road for the child. (unknown) 
• ....in other words, helicopter parenting is not healthy. 
• Your worst enemy cannot harm you as much as your own thoughts unguarded. But once mastered, no one can help you as much, not even your father or your mother (Budda)
• The line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being (Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn)
• ...in other words, no one is simply evil, everyone has good ideas

Goodreads says:

Something is going wrong on many college campuses in the last few years. Rates of anxiety, depression, and suicide are rising. Speakers are shouted down. Students and professors say they are walking on eggshells and afraid to speak honestly. How did this happen?

First Amendment expert Greg Lukianoff and social psychologist Jonathan Haidt show how the new problems on campus have their origins in three terrible ideas that have become increasingly woven into American childhood and what doesn’t kill you makes you weaker; always trust your feelings; and life is a battle between good people and evil people. These three Great Untruths are incompatible with basic psychological principles, as well as ancient wisdom from many cultures. They interfere with healthy development. Anyone who embraces these untruths—and the resulting culture of safetyism—is less likely to become an autonomous adult able to navigate the bumpy road of life.

Lukianoff and Haidt investigate the many social trends that have intersected to produce these untruths. They situate the conflicts on campus in the context of America’s rapidly rising political polarization, including a rise in hate crimes and off-campus provocation. They explore changes in childhood including the rise of fearful parenting, the decline of unsupervised play, and the new world of social media that has engulfed teenagers in the last decade.


This is a book for anyone who is confused by what is happening on college campuses today, or has children, or is concerned about the growing inability of Americans to live, work, and cooperate across party lines.

https://youtu.be/IUePfXsuHLE?si=aBrJ8rSd7vhhhtEA 

Originals (Adam Grant)

 

Thinking out of the box, not worrying about being like everyone else or what is acceptable - this book has great ideas for thinking out of the box and being original. Great read. It's one to go back to again and again, especially when you feel like you're in a rut.

Goodreads says:

In Originals the author addresses the challenge of improving the world from the perspective of becoming original: choosing to champion novel ideas and values that go against the grain, battle conformity, and buck outdated traditions. How can we originate new ideas, policies, and practices without risking it all?
 
Using surprising studies and stories spanning business, politics, sports, and entertainment, Grant explores how to recognize a good idea, speak up without getting silenced, build a coalition of allies, choose the right time to act, and manage fear and doubt; how parents and teachers can nurture originality in children; and how leaders can build cultures that welcome dissent. Learn from an entrepreneur who pitches his start-ups by highlighting the reasons not to invest, a woman at Apple who challenged Steve Jobs from three levels below, an analyst who overturned the rule of secrecy at the CIA, a billionaire financial wizard who fires employees for failing to criticize him, and a TV executive who didn’t even work in comedy but saved Seinfeld from the cutting-room floor. The payoff is a set of groundbreaking insights about rejecting conformity and improving the status quo.

Languishing (Corey Keyes)

 

The subtitle (How to Feel Alive Again in a World That Wears Us Down) is what drew me to this book. It was a good end of year read. The author has a compelling story from his own life, is well researched and has some practical tips on how to add spark to your life so you're flourishing instead of languishing.

His five vitamins of flourishing are:
Learn: Create stories of self-growth
Connect: Build warm and trusting relationships

Transcend: Accept the inevitable plot twists of life

Help: Find your purpose (even in the mundane)
Play: Step out and have fun

 10/10 recommend! 

I'm not sure how I found this book. I need to do a better job of keeping track of who recommends books. I think it must have been mentioned in other books I've read because he references a number of authors I'm familiar with like Adam Grant, Gretchen Rubin and others.

Some [people] see things as they are and say why?

I dream of things that never were and say, why not?

- John F Kennedy (p. 226)

Goodreads says:

The Emory University sociologist who coined the term languishing—low-grade mental weariness that affects our self-esteem, relationships, and motivation—explores the rise of this phenomenon and presents a comprehensive guide to flourishing in a world that demands too much.

If you’re muddling through the day in a fog, often forgetting why you walked into a room . . . 
If you feel emotionally flattened, lacking the energy to socialize or feel joy in the small things . . . 
If you feel an inner void—like something is missing, but you aren’t sure what . . . 

Then this book is for you.

Languishing—the state of mental weariness that erodes our self-esteem, motivation, and sense of meaning—can be easy to brush off as the new normal, especially since indifference is one of its symptoms. It’s not a synonym for depression and its attendant state of prolonged sadness. Languishers are more likely to feel out of control of their lives, uncertain about what they want from the future, and paralyzed when faced with decisions. Left unchecked, languishing not only impedes our daily functioning but is a gateway to serious mental illness and early mortality.

Emory University sociologist Corey Keyes has spent his career studying the causes and costs of languishing—the neglected middle child of mental health. Now Keyes has written the first definitive book on the subject, examining the subtle complexities of languishing before deftly diagnosing the larger forces behind its the false promises of the self-help industrial complex, a global moment of intense fear and loss, and a failing healthcare system focused on treating rather than preventing illness.

Ultimately, Keyes presents a groundbreaking approach to breaking the cycles keeping us stuck and finding a path to true flourishing. Unlike self-improvement systems offering quick-fix mood boosts, his framework focuses on functioning taking simple but powerful steps to hold our emotions loosely, becoming more accepting of ourselves and others, and carving out daily moments for the activities that create cycles of meaning, connection, and personal growth.

Languishing is a must-read for anyone tempted to downplay feelings of demotivation and emptiness as they struggle to haul themselves through the day, and for those eager to build a higher tolerance for adversity and the pressures of modern life. We can expand our vocabulary—and, with it, our potential to flourish.

The Anxious Generation (Jonathan Haidt)

 

Sometimes I hear people talk negatively about this book....that he doesn't really offer any real solutions or that he's catastrophizing. I, however, think he has a pretty compelling argument. I think I subconsciously keep choosing books like this because I want to be on my phone less. 

I should probably do something to deal with the guilt about all the things I did wrong with my own kids and cell phones.....

Some of his suggestions:
1. No cell phones until middle school. (A basic phone watch should suffice until then, if necessary.)
2. No SMART phones until high school.
3. No social media until 16 (18 would be better, but the author acknowledges that might be hard to do.)
4. More outside and free play.
5. Parents should supervise their kids more vigilantly online, but way less in the real world. (Helicoptering and over-controlling are also affecting our kids' development in negative ways.)
6. Schools should be entirely phone-free and provide phone lockers where kids can park their phones at the start of the day and pick them up at the end. There is plenty of evidence to suggest this can drastically improve focus during class as well as school culture. It's not enough to say kids can't have phones during class. Studies have shown that even having it put away in their bag to look at between classes still decreases attention and focus, and contributes to a toxic school culture.

Goodreads says:

A must-read for all parents: the generation-defining investigation into the collapse of youth mental health in the era of smartphones, social media, and big tech—and a plan for a healthier, freer childhood.

“With tenacity and candor, Haidt lays out the consequences that have come with allowing kids to drift further into the virtual world . . . While also offering suggestions and solutions that could help protect a new generation of kids.” —Shannon Carlin, ,i>TIME, 100 Must-Read Books of 2024

After more than a decade of stability or improvement, the mental health of adolescents plunged in the early 2010s. Rates of depression, anxiety, self-harm, and suicide rose sharply, more than doubling on many measures. Why?

In The Anxious Generation, social psychologist Jonathan Haidt lays out the facts about the epidemic of teen mental illness that hit many countries at the same time. He then investigates the nature of childhood, including why children need play and independent exploration to mature into competent, thriving adults. Haidt shows how the “play-based childhood” began to decline in the 1980s, and how it was finally wiped out by the arrival of the “phone-based childhood” in the early 2010s. He presents more than a dozen mechanisms by which this “great rewiring of childhood” has interfered with children’s social and neurological development, covering everything from sleep deprivation to attention fragmentation, addiction, loneliness, social contagion, social comparison, and perfectionism. He explains why social media damages girls more than boys and why boys have been withdrawing from the real world into the virtual world, with disastrous consequences for themselves, their families, and their societies.

Most important, Haidt issues a clear call to action. He diagnoses the “collective action problems” that trap us, and then proposes four simple rules that might set us free. He describes steps that parents, teachers, schools, tech companies, and governments can take to end the epidemic of mental illness and restore a more humane childhood.

Haidt has spent his career speaking truth backed by data in the most difficult landscapes—communities polarized by politics and religion, campuses battling culture wars, and now the public health emergency faced by Gen Z. We cannot afford to ignore his findings about protecting our children—and ourselves—from the psychological damage of a phone-based life.

Dopamine Nation (Anna Lembke, MD)

 

I've been trying to understand why some people don't or seem to be unable to change. This has a lot of good answers to that question.

Notes:

Lessons of the Balance

1. The relentless pursuit of pleasure and the avoidance of pain, leads to pain.

2. Recovery begins with abstinence.

3. Abstinence resets the brain's reward pathway, and with it our capacity to take joy in simple pleasures.

4. Self-binding creates literal and metacognitive space between desire and consumption, a literal necessity in our dopamine overloaded world

5. Medications can restore homeostasis, but consider what we lose by medicating away our pain.

6. Pressing on the pain side re-sets our balance to the side of pleasure.

7. Beware of getting addicted to pain.

8. Radical honesty promotes awareness, enhances intimacy and enhances a plenty mindset.

9. Pro-social shame affirms that we belong to the human tribe.

10. Instead of running away from the world, we can find escape by immersing ourselves in it.

Goodreads says:

This book is about pleasure. It's also about pain. Most important, it's about how to find the delicate balance between the two, and why now more than ever finding balance is essential. We're living in a time of unprecedented access to high-reward, high-dopamine stimuli: drugs, food, news, gambling, shopping, gaming, texting, sexting, Facebooking, Instagramming, YouTubing, tweeting... The increased numbers, variety, and potency is staggering. The smartphone is the modern-day hypodermic needle, delivering digital dopamine 24/7 for a wired generation. As such we've all become vulnerable to compulsive overconsumption.

In Dopamine Nation, Dr. Anna Lembke, psychiatrist and author, explores the exciting new scientific discoveries that explain why the relentless pursuit of pleasure leads to pain...and what to do about it. Condensing complex neuroscience into easy-to-understand metaphors, Lembke illustrates how finding contentment and connectedness means keeping dopamine in check. The lived experiences of her patients are the gripping fabric of her narrative. Their riveting stories of suffering and redemption give us all hope for managing our consumption and transforming our lives. In essence, Dopamine Nation shows that the secret to finding balance is combining the science of desire with the wisdom of recovery.

The Brain at Rest (Dr. Joseph Jebelli)

 

I seem to be on a deep dive into rest and the importance of taking it easy. This book was a great addition to that quest.

Chapter 1: How Overwork Is Literally Killing Us

• Spend at least twenty minutes a day staring blankly into space. Try not to think about anything in particular; simply let your mind rest and wander, breathing slowly and deeply through your nose as your do. This is arguably the hardest way to rest because our society has indoctrinated us into believing it's a waste of time, but it's one of the best ways to activate your default network.
• Try to step away from your normal routines and thoughts for at least a few minutes every day. Your mind needs intermittent breaks to refresh and stimulate default network activity. Don't worry about justifying it - you never need to justify your health. I snatch these precious moments just before getting on my bike in the morning, pausing to look at trees lining my street. 
• In Poincare fashion, go for long walks and spend time sitting on public transport, staring out of the window. Sometimes, when I need inspiration, I take a bus to nowhere in particular.
• If you have a bathtub, have more baths than showers. Besides being better for sore muscles and lowering your blood sugar levels, a bath lets your best thinking happen because it allows your mind ample space to roam. A bath before bed also improves your sleep, another period of high default network activity. Try including some soothing bath salts; I find they give me the best mental relief.

Chapter 2: The Neuroscience of Work

• Take regular, scheduled breaks throughout the day. Follow, for example, the Pomodoro Technique (25 minutes of work followed by a 5-minute break), which lowers your risk of burnout, allowing the brain to recover and restore its executive functions, thus maintaining a higher level of performance.
• Try the time-blocking technique, where you simply divide your day into blocks of time, which prevents task-switching and multitasking (known productivity killers) and ensures focused effort on one thing at a time. This method harnesses your executive network's preference for structured tasks. By focusing on a single activity, you reduce cognitive overload and help your prefrontal cortex optimize task management.
• Implement email rules - that is, set specific times for checking and responding to emails. This prevents consistent interruption and helps preserve focus on more important tasks. Ceaselessly checking your email fatigues the prefrontal cortex and depletes your executive network's resources for focused thinking and decision-making. It's like trying to walk a tightrope while someone keeps tugging on your rope from below, throwing you off-balance with each pull.
• Establish criteria for accepting work meetings. Ask yourself, Is this meeting relevant? How long is it? Do I really need to be there? Then propose alternatives like email updates or condensed sessions to preserve time. Streamlining meetings helps your executive network enormously. When meetings are short and relevant, they make better use of our attention and working-memory capacities.

Part 2 Rest

Chapter 3: Mind Wandering

Practical tips to help your mind wander:

• Try a technique called positive constructive daydreaming (PCD) which involves tempting yourself into a controlled fantasy, helping your mind wander and thus engage your default network. For example, imagine it is one year from now and you're living the life you want, or imagine yourself in an earthly paradise. This intention kind of mind wandering, as opposed to the unintentional kind we often slip into, may provide even more protection from stress and anxiety, according to a recent study by the American Psychological Association - and this is especially true if we find what we're thinking about particularly interesting. So the next time you feel guilty for wandering off from work to muse about the fact that whale song can be used to map the ocean floor, or that there are 4 quadrillion quadrillion bacteria on the Earth, or that there are fossilized plants in Greenland under 1.4 kilometers of ice - don't.
• Try something new at least once a week. Every time you put your brain in a novel situation, it quickly learns how to process the new circumstances using the inferior prefrontal cortex, a hotbed of creativity-enhancing default network neurons. If it's hard to try something new, try something you usually do in an unusual way; take a different route to work, write paper notes instead of typing, pause while in your neighborhood and soak in all the multisensory impressions
• Listen to sad music. Not only does it improve your mood when you're feeling down (yes, really), but it's also associated with stronger mind wandering and greater default network activity.
• For employers, do yourself and your company a huge favor by removing teh stigma associated with mind-wandering. Discuss its benefits with your employees and allow them time to explore its creative powers.

Chapter 4: The Science of Tree-Hugging (Why Nature is So Good For Your Brain)

Some tips to activate your default network with forest bathing.

• Walk slowly through the forest. This isn't a hike or jog; it's a leisurely stroll.  The goal isn't to get to the finishing line. Move at a pace that allows you to observe and connect with your surroundings.
• Hugs a tree whenever you can. As well as reducing cortisol, blood pressure, and heart rate, it releases oxytocin and activates your brain's default network.
• If at all possible ,go camping a few times a year. This will raise your natural killer cell count nicely. If you can go more frequently, even better.
• As well as in the forest, spend time on the beach or near the sea. People who live near the coast tend to have better physical and mental health than those who don't. Believe it or not, a big reason for this is that the color blue actually changes our brain waves and induces a sense of calm and peace. The sea air is also remarkably good for our mood.

Chapter 5: Mindful Solitude

1. Start small (10 min/day) Just sit and breathe.

2. Schedule solitude. Plan a specific time each day to be alone.

3. Disconnect to reconnect. No digital devices during your solitude time.

4. Engage in solo activities (walking, journaling, yoga)

5. Reflect and reassess. 

• Just go. Sometimes the simplest advice is best, especially when it comes to rejuvenating your brain's health. Planning a solo trip or retreat can seem daunting at first, with concerns about loneliness or boredom creeping in. But the act of stepping away from your daily routine and immersing yourself in a new environment can be incredibly liberating. It forces you out of your comfort zone, stimulates your senses in unexpected ways, and provides the perfect backdrop for introspection and creativity
• If you can't plan a big trip and are tied down by work and family commitments, just go to a quiet room alone; even a brief respite in a tranquil space can be a powerful form of solitude. By making the effort to find peace in the midst of a busy life, you're taking a vital step toward maintaining mental well-being and enhancing your brain's health.
• Understand that doing nothing, even when it involves not being social, is no bad thing. The social circuits within your brain's default network need time to rest and replenish. In fact, studies show that too much socializing may even cause harm, including high stress and greater mortality risk. Though isolation and loneliness are not good for our health, we still need solitude, so set boundaries and leave space for alone time.
• Ensure that when you do socialize, it's meaningful, good quality socializing. Many of us spend time with people we shouldn't - bad friends, frenemies, a toxic family member - but we do it because we feel obliged to. This raises levels of the stress hormone cortisol int he brain, which damages our social circuitry and harms the good-quality relationships we should be enjoying.

Chapter 6: Sleep On It Your Brain's Master Healer

- Broadly speaking, sleep has two functions: it's cognitive enhancer and a restorative powerhouse. The cognitive side of sleep nurtures our capacity for learning and memory. (p. 123) Note to self: Re-read pages 123-127

Napping: it lowers stress by reducing cortisol levels in the brain; it encourages the regeneration of damaged brain cells; and it triggers a new kind of thinking "that we have yet to understand." That final point presents an intriguing mystery. We know that napping improves memory, creativity, and cognitive function, yet there could be other, less understood aspects of brain function and benefit from napping. (p. 129)

• Every night before you go to bed, spend ten to twenty minutes staring blankly into space. This will activate your default network at the critical hypnagogic phase, the period between wakefulness and sleep. After doing nothing during your hypnagogic phase, write down your thoughts in a journal. It's a key moment for your best insights and ability to solve problems.
• When you wake up the following day, don't immediately roll out of bed and begin your day as usual; instead, spend another ten to twenty minutes doing absolutely nothing. Just stare into space. At this point, the period between sleep and full alertness, your brain's hypnopompic phase is active, which is another golden opportunity to active your default network.
• Try to nap for thirty minutes daily. This short rest during the day will make your brain bigger, reduce stress, and regenerate damaged brain cells.
• Sleep  for as long as you feel like sleeping. Your brain doesn't care about arbitrary work hours or overbearing bosses. Your brain needs as much asleep as it tells you it needs. Listen to it. And know that the usual amount of six to eight hours' sleep is often not enough. To ensure your default network is thriving, aim for eight to ten hours.

Chapter 7: Playology

Re: Video games: My partner has noticed an improvement in my mood ever since I started gaming a little each day, a hobby I hadn't indulged in since my early twenties. Like many, I feared it could negatively affect my well-being, especially given the moral panic that video games can harm our brains or incite violence - theories now thoroughly disproved. In fact, video games can positively impact mental health and well-being, providing a sense of achievement and a safe escape from everyday pressures. (p. 148)

Play personalities (p. 149) (or ways to engage in play...keeping this list for when I feel at a loss for something fun to fill time with:

The Collector - finds joy in the hunt, whether it be for books, plants, antiques or rare Pokémon cards;

The Competitor - thrives on sports and winning, and loves a five-a-side football match and the teamwork of a basketball game

The creator - finds deep satisfaction in the hours spent filing, painting, composing music or tending to a garden

The Director - has natural aptitude for leadership and wants to change the world by organizing and inspiring others

The Explorer - driven by an insatiable curiosity, always on the lookout for new experiences, be it a new forest or a spontaneous hike in he mountains

The Jokes - loves to laugh, using wit hand humor among friends and injecting levity into life's darker moments

The Kinesthete -loves to move - to dance, to swing, and to reap all the brain benefits of active rest

The Storyteller - the ultimate raconteur and who loves to transport their audience to other worlds; using mediums like writing, acting or teaching

• Find micro-moments of play throughout your day. Whether it's dancing to your favorite song while cooking dinner or singing out loud on your cycle home, these small acts of joy will lighten your mood and significantly improve your brain health. Embrace these snippets of spontaneity to weave a tapestry to playfulness into the fabric of everyday life.
• Advocate for a shorter workweek. Explore the feasibility and benefits of a four-day workweek in your workplace or community, inspired by the successful trials in Iceland, to create more time for rest and play. Now, more than ever, is the moment for workers around the globe to unite and reclaim their time for leisure, wellness, and personal growth.
• Make downtime and play sacrosanct. In our rush toward short-term productivity we completely overlook the value that comes from moments of leisure and play, not just for children but for adults as well. This sacred time, carved out from the demands of our daily lives, is vital for the resting brain. Value it like sleep, a cornerstone of life itself.
• Resist the urge to share your playful activities on social media. True play is for your enrichment, not for external validation. This approach helps maintain the purity and personal significance of the experience, ensuring that it remains a genuine source of joy and rest.

Chapter 8: Active Rest

• If you can, introduce some high-intensity exercise - anything aerobic - into your week. This will strengthen connections in your default network
• Aim for thirty minutes of exercise a day, five days a week. If you're struggling to fit this in, remember, your brain doesn't need quite as much to see benefits: just twenty-five minutes of exercise per week, a mere four minutes a day, can enhance your brain size and health. Even gentle physical exercises like walking and yoga can increase your brain size.
• Harness the brain benefits of sex if you can. Whether it's once every few weeks or several times a week, incorporating this form of active rest benefits adults of all ages, stimulating the brain's default network and improving memory, thinking ability, decision-making, and emotional processing.
• Ultimately, the crucial thing to remember is that active rest lowers your risk of developing a devastating neurological disorder. Just as stopping smoking lowers your risk of cancer, embracing active rest lowers your risk of Alzheimer's disease, stroke, PTSD, and depression, to name a few. So create a sense of urgency about active rest - because it is urgent.

Chapter 9: Just Do Nothing

• Carve out time every day to just be. I find the best way to do this is to simply sit in a chair and stare out the window. In doing so, your brain is no longer focusing on the details of an action; it has entered the perfect zone for default network activity. A great resource for helping people just be is www.donothingfor2minutes.org. Try it
• When you feel that you've had enough niksing, try combining it with an easy, semiautomatic activity such as knitting, This will keep your mind occupied without deactivating your default network. If knitting's not your thing, explore other semiautomatic activities: draw, do a jigsaw puzzle, sort things by color, create a family tree, look for stones and shells on the beach, stargaze, fold and refold paper, peel the labels from bottles, pop bubble wrap. There is no one-size-fits-all. Try whatever form of rest fits you best.
• Try what's called the Black marker test; jot down all the things you plan to do this week, then take a black marker and cross out all the tasks that can be postponed or, better still, canceled. You'll be amazed at how cluttered your free time really is.
• Push through the initial discomfort of doing nothing and work up to longer stretches of doing nothing. Reach a stage where you have a few days a week without any obligations or appointments. Dare to be idle. It is a quiet kind of revolution, but your brain will thank you in the end.

He had some great quotes in the book too. I just had to note them:

Burnout is not the price we have to pay for success. (Arianna Huffington)

How much better is silence; the coffee cup, the table. (Virginia Wolf)

How we spend our days is, of course, how se spend our lives. (Annie Dillard)

The soul should always stand ajar, ready to welcome the ecstatic experience. (Emily Dickinson)

Everybody should be quiet near a little stream and listen. (Ruth Krauss)

Without great solitude, no serious work is possible. (Pablo Picasso)

The death of each day's life, sore labor's bath, 

Balm of hurt minds, great nature's second course,

Chief nourisher in life's feast.

 (Macbeth 2.2.36-38)

Leisure is the mother of philosophy (Thomas Hobbes)

I have always believed that exercise is the key not only to physical health but to peace of mind. (Nelson Mandela)

Just act normal, that's already crazy enough (Dutch proverb)

How much better is silence; the coffee cup, the table. (Virginia Woolf)

Goodreads says:

From Joseph Jebelli, PhD, neuroscientist and author of In Pursuit of Memory, a narrative exploration of the science of doing nothing and its benefits for the brain and body.

We are constantly told to make the most of our time. Work harder, with more focus. Stop procrastinating. Optimize. To be happy, creative, and successful requires discipline. The most important thing is to be efficient with every precious hour. 


But what if all that advice was wrong, and letting the brain rest, and the mind wander, could improve our lives? Dr. Joseph Jebelli proves this surprising and fascinating point in The Brain at Rest, blending science and personal stories with practical tips about using the brain’s “default network,” which turns itself on when we turn off the constant need to always do and achieve. By activating our default network through long walks, baths, and spending time in nature, we can all be more content, less stressed, and actually more productive.


Perfect for anyone interested in science and creativity, or anyone feeling overwhelmed in their day-to-day lives, The Brain at Rest is a deeply researched and entertaining antidote to overwork and burnout, showing readers the way to happier, healthier, and more balanced lives.

Do Nothing (Celeste Headlee)

 

I had no idea who Celeste Headlee was before reading this book. I like her! She's done a lot and written a lot. 

Bertrand Russell (in 1932!): It will be said that, while a little leisure is pleasant, men would not know how to fill their days if they had only four hours of work out of the twenty-four. In so far s this is true in the modern world, it is a condemnation of our civilization; it would not have been true at any earlier period. There was formerly a capacity for light-heartedness and play which has been to some extent inhibited by the cult of efficiency. The modern man thinks that everything out to be done for the sake of something else, and never for it's own sake. (In Praise of Idleness)

The beginning of the book could be summed up with the idea that working hard actually does not get you ahead - so cut it out. Also, "what are you working so hard for?! Your Puritan upbringing that taught you that idleness is sinful." 

I have a hard time giving up the concept of working hard. The second half of the book was more about how to analyze how you're really spending your time - which leads to the idea that you do have time to relax if you just quit scrolling or doing other time-wasters - which I can buy into.

Goodreads says:

Despite our constant search for new ways to 'hack' our bodies and minds for peak performance, human beings are working more instead of less, living harder not smarter, and becoming more lonely and anxious. We strive for the absolute best in every aspect of our lives, ignoring what we do well naturally. Why do we measure our time in terms of efficiency instead of meaning? Why can't we just take a break?

In Do Nothing, award-winning journalist Celeste Headlee illuminates a new path ahead, seeking to institute a global shift in our thinking so we can stop sabotaging our well-being, put work aside and start living instead of doing.

The key lies in embracing what makes us human: our creativity, our social connections (Instagram doesn't count), our ability for reflective thought, and our capacity for joy. Celeste's strategies will allow you to regain control over your life and break your addiction to false efficiency, including:

-Increase your time perception and determine how your hours are being spent.
-Stop comparing yourself to others.
-Invest in quality idle time. Take a hot bath and listen to music.
-Spend face-to-face time with friends and family

It's time to recover our leisure time and reverse the trend that's making us all sadder, sicker, and less productive.

Before Happiness (Shawn Achor)

 

Notes:

The author says that we can create positive realities...and when we do that, we are happier. Happiness actually comes before success, not from it.

His TedTalk is worth watching.

1. Reality Architecture

- Realize that multiple versions of reality exist. Some will always see the negative and a few will see the positive. 

- Whichever one you choose to focus on, you can dramatically reduce the affects of stress.

- If you change your viewpoint, you can see different advantages
- Pursue the most advantageous reality

2. Mental Cartography

- Highlight meaning markers along the way

- Find many meanings and different ways to look at how you can achieve success - this is called reorienting your map for success

- Map your success routes before you look for escape routes

- Don't start at zero. Show yourself some progress you've already made and start there.

- Find points of progress you can celebrate along the way

3. Cancel the Noise - boost the signal that points to greater

- Noise check your life: is information coming in unusable, unpractical, hypothetical and distracting - cancel it out!  

- Do the 5% experiment. For two weeks, try to decrease your information intake by 5%. Cut out information that fits some of the information on "noise"

- Keep a car radio off for the first five minutes of your commute, limit TV news, and limit articles that report on negative events half a world away

- Create active noise canceling by posting a sign next to your desk listing the 3 waves of positive energy

    - I will keep my worry in proportion to the likelihood of the event

    - I will not ruin 10,000 days to be right on a handful

    - I will not equate worrying with being loving or responsible

- Fact Check - keep your worrying in proportion to the likelihood of the event by asking these two questions:

        1. How often has this negative event happened in the past?

        2. How often has this negative event occurred to me personally?

- Do a 5-minute writing exercise. Anytime you hear doubting voices, take 5 minutes to write about things you feel passionate and positive about (your children, your sports, your values, your faith). By actively canceling such noises, you can increase your performance by 10-15%.

- Exercise! Add exercise to your routine. It decreases anxiety by as much as 20%. 

4. Creating Positive Inception - transfer your reality to others

- The person who speaks first is often perceived to be the leader. Set the tone by saying something helpful first.

- The social script has to be written by someone. Why not you?! 

- Make your tone and look fit your words. Nod and smile when others are sharing to make your non-verbals positive.

- Change the script from tragedy to comedy. Humor wields more social influence.

- Share stories from people who have benefited from what you do to inspire others.

- Start each conversation with a compliment or encouraging comment

- Add 3 smiles: flex your powerful positivity muscle 3 times a day

- Write down funny things you hear and find a way to share it in the next 24 hours (but not with a FWD email or post!)

- Create a narrative - develop a shared positive narrative about a time you or your team overcame something. Write out a real story with climax, conflict and resolving action.

Working on your humor

- keep lists of jokes and funny stories

- watch comedy shows to work on your timing

Goodreads says:

Why are some people able to make positive change while others remain the same?

In his international bestseller, The Happiness Advantage, Harvard trained researcher Shawn Achor described why happiness is the precursor to greater success. This book is about what comes before both. Because before we can be happy or successful, we need to first develop the ability to see that positive change is possible. Only once we learn to see the world through a more positive lens can we summon all our motivation, emotion, and intelligence to achieve our personal and professional goals.

In Before Happiness, Achor reveals five actionable, proven strategies for changing our lens to positive:

· The Most Valuable Reality: See a broader range of ideas and solutions by changing the details on which your brain chooses to focus
· Success Mapping: Set goals oriented around the things in life that matter to you most, whether career advancement or family or making a difference in the world
· The X-spot: Use success accelerants to propel you more quickly towards those goals, whether finishing a marathon, reaching a sales target, learning a language, or losing 10 pounds
· Noise-Canceling: Boost the signal pointing you to opportunities and possibilities that others miss
· Positive Inception: Transfer these skills to your team, your employees, and everyone around you

By mastering these strategies, you’ll create an renewable source of positivity, motivation, and engagement that will allow you to reach your fullest potential in everything you do.

His TedTalk is great:

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents (Lindsay Gibson)

 

The chapter on how children react differently to emotionally immature parents was really helpful for understanding some people.

Notes:

The last chapters were my favorites....although, the background from the first chapters is probably what made them so good.

Chapter 8

Our early dependance on our parents creates patterns. As an adult, don't expect the relationship to get better. That requires two people and isn't always possible. Try to relate to your parent in a neutral way. Approach interactions between the two of you on an observational perspective. Manage the interaction rather than engaging emotionally.

You can't expect immature people to be different than they are - but you can decide on your own goals for interactions. You might have a goal to express yourself, even though you're nervous. You can't make the other party understand - but you can control how you communicate. Focus on the outcome, not the relationship. If you focus on the relationship and try to improve it, an interaction with an emotionally immature person will deteriorate and then you'll be disappointed at the lack of improvement.

Managing, not engaging: Instead of emotionally engaging with immature people, set a goal of managing interaction, including length of time and topics. Gently ease past uncomfortable topics. Be prepared to respond with the exact same thing as many times as necessary. Also manage your own emotions by observing and narrating your feelings to yourself, rather than becoming reactive.

Observe objectively and manage the interaction when the interactions don't go well.

Mentally describe what's happening when conversations go awry. It allows you to move from the emotional part of your brain to the logical part. Another strategy is to count. "How long did your parent go on that time?" You could look at a clock and decide how much longer you're going to listen. When time is up, politely interrupt and disengage.

Be okay with doing what is all you can emotionally do. Just relate as a fellow adult, not a child hoping for a parent to give the love you need. Step out of your old role self. This is where emotional healing begins.

Chapter 9

Your first job is really your own self care. You no longer have to exhaust yourself with excessive empathy for others so that you can find acceptance and love. 

Chapter 10 Identifying Emotionally Mature People

1. They're realistic and reliable

2. They work with reality rather than fighting it. They see problems and try to fix them. If changes aren't possible, they try to make the best of what they've got.

3. They can feel and think at the same time. Because of this, it is easy to work things out with them. 

4. Their consistency makes them reliable. They have an integrated sense of self and will respond basically the same across different situations.

5. They don't take everything personally. They can laugh at themself and their foibles. They realize they're fallible and are doing the best they can. They realize people can put their foot in their mouth now and then and forgive people for social gaffs. It's just a mistake, not a rejection.

6. They're respectful and reciprocal. It feels like they're looking out for you.

7. They respect your boundaries. 

8. They tune into how other people are feeling. Their ability to tune into people's feelings becomes second nature. Emotionally immature people tell you what you really meant. It's motivated by a desire to be in control. Mature people don't pretend to know you better than you know yourself. 

9. They give back. They want to help and are generous with their time. They will give back more than they get for a while, but won't continue relationships that seem too unbalanced. 

10. They try to be fair and objective. If you have to change your plans, they don't feel personally rejected. They can let you know if they're disappointed without holding it against you. They will give you the benefit of the doubt. They're collaborative and open to other's ideas. When you work together, both of you feel satisfied. Compromise means a mutual balancing of desires. (Emotionally immature people pressure people into unbalanced compromises and they think relationships are about compromise).

11. They're even tempered (the sooner temper shows up in a relationship, the more of a red flag it is. Emotionally immature people show anger by withdrawing love). Emotionally mature people will ask you what's wrong and work to solve the conflict. They won't give you the silent treatment.

12. They are willing to be influenced. They have a secure sense of self. They don't feel threatened or feel weak when others see things differently. They'll listen and try to understand your point of view.

13. They're truthful. Telling the truth is the basis of trust. They understand why you're upset if they lied or gave you a false impression. When honesty really counts, they're genuine and forthcoming. 

14. Their empathy makes you feel safe. Along with self-awareness, empathy is the soul of emotional intelligence, guiding people towards pro-social behavior and fairness in dealing with others. Non-empathetic people overlook your feelings. 

15. They make you feel seen and understood. They remember things you've told them and bring it up later. 

16. They see you positively and keep a mental library of your best qualities. They seem to know you better than you know yourself. You feel like you can be completely yourself with them. The more you share with them, the more they share with you. 

17. They aren't afraid of your emotions. They don't tell you you should be feeling another way. 

18. They like to comfort and be comforted. They have an emotional engagement instinct that works naturally. They know how important friendly support can be.

19. They reflect on their actions and try to change. They understand how people affect each other emotionally. They're willing to absorb feedback. They have interest in and curiosity about other people's impressions and are willing to take action as a result of self-reflection. If you're clear about what bothers you, they'll listen and attempt to change as appropriate.

20. They can laugh and be playful. They can use light heartedness to relieve stress. Emotionally immature people use humor that makes fun of people so that they feel better about themself. Humor with an edge such as sarcasm. In excess, it reflects cynicism, which is hard to live with.

21. They're enjoyable to be around. They have an overall positive vibe. For the most part, they're able to generate their own good feelings and enjoy life. 

When meeting people on-line:

- all personal writing reveals something about what people think

- reading what people have written gives you time to reflect on how they make you feel

- are they respectful of your boundaries in how fast or slow they want to get to know you? Are they okay with your pace of responding?

- are they reciprocal? Do they reference what you said in your previous message or do they immediately launch into something else?

- is it easy to schedule things with them?

- take a moment to jot down your thoughts after reading their profile...how do feel inside? Will you feel comfortable being yourself or do you need to watch what you say and how you say it?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I asked AI to make a list of action items from the book to help readers heal, set boundaries and grow emotionally as well as a worksheet: 

---

🌱 1. Identify Emotionally Immature Behaviors

• Reflect on your childhood to recognize traits like:

  • Lack of empathy from parents

  • Chronic invalidation of your emotions

  • Parentification (you taking care of the parent)

• Journal examples of when your emotional needs were dismissed or ignored.

---

🛡️ 2. Learn Emotional Boundaries

• Practice saying “no” or expressing discomfort even when it feels hard.

• Use “I” statements (e.g., “I feel uncomfortable when...”) to communicate needs.

• Limit contact or set time boundaries with emotionally immature individuals.

---

🧠 3. Stop Taking It Personally

• Remind yourself that their behavior is about them, not your worth.

• Use cognitive reframing to recognize that emotional immaturity stems from their limitations, not your failings.

---

💬 4. Engage with Emotionally Safe People

• Seek out relationships where emotional reciprocity, empathy, and support exist.

• Build a "support team" of friends, therapists, or support groups.

---

🧘 5. Reparent Yourself

• Practice self-compassion daily: “I am worthy of love and respect.”

• Develop internal validation: Check in with your feelings and affirm them.

• Nurture your inner child with affirming messages and care routines.

---

📚 6. Learn About Emotional Maturity

• Understand traits of emotional maturity: accountability, empathy, consistency.

• Model these traits in your own behavior and relationships.

---

🧩 7. Stop Over-Explaining or People-Pleasing

• Give brief, clear answers—don’t justify or over-defend your decisions.

• Practice tolerating the discomfort of someone’s disapproval or confusion.

---

🛠️ 8. Use the "Observer Self"

• Notice your reactions with curiosity rather than judgment.

• Step back mentally during interactions to reduce reactivity.

---

🔄 9. Break the Cycle

• Consciously choose new ways of relating to others—especially in conflict.

• Acknowledge patterns that don’t serve you and experiment with alternatives.

---

---

🧠 Healing from Emotionally Immature Parents – Self-Reflection Worksheet

Name: _________________________  Date: ___________________

---

1. Recognize Emotionally Immature Behaviors

Reflect on behaviors you experienced growing up.

List 3 examples where your emotions were dismissed or ignored:

• ---

• ---

• ---

---

2. Define Healthy Boundaries

What boundary do you need to set with someone in your life?

🗒️ Example: I will not answer calls after 8 PM.

• ---

How will you express this boundary clearly and calmly?

• ---

---

3. Detangle From Guilt or Shame

What negative message did you internalize from your upbringing?

• ---

Write a new, self-compassionate belief to replace it:

💬 “__________________________________________________________”

---

4. Build Emotional Safety

List 2 people you feel emotionally safe with and why:

• ______________________________________ – Why: ___________________________

• ______________________________________ – Why: ___________________________

One way I can nurture a healthy relationship this week:

• ---

---

5. Practice Self-Reparenting

Write a message your younger self needed to hear:

💌 “Dear younger me, _______________________________________________________”

What’s one comforting thing you can do for yourself this week?

🛁 Walk / rest / journal / art / other: ____________________________________________

---

6. Notice and Reframe

Describe a recent situation that triggered an old emotional wound:

• ---

What was your automatic thought or reaction?

• ---

What might a mature, self-supporting perspective sound like?

• ---

---

7. Stop Over-Explaining

What’s one recent time you over-explained yourself?

• ---

Practice a shorter, more confident response:

💬 “__________________________________________________________”

---

8. Use the Observer Self

Write about a time you stayed calm and curious instead of reacting:

• ---

What did you notice about your feelings in that moment?

• ---

---

9. Break the Cycle

What is one generational pattern you are consciously changing?

• ---

What’s one action you can take this week to reinforce that change?

✅ ________________________________________________________

---

📅 Weekly Check-In

• One boundary I honored: ___________________________________

• One thing I did for myself: _________________________________

• One lesson I learned: ______________________________________

---

Let me know if you'd like a version with checkboxes or in PDF format!

Goodreads says:

If you grew up with an emotionally immature, unavailable, or selfish parent, you may have lingering feelings of anger, loneliness, betrayal, or abandonment. You may recall your childhood as a time when your emotional needs were not met, when your feelings were dismissed, or when you took on adult levels of responsibility in an effort to compensate for your parent’s behavior. These wounds can be healed, and you can move forward in your life.

In this breakthrough book, clinical psychologist Lindsay Gibson exposes the destructive nature of parents who are emotionally immature or unavailable. You will see how these parents create a sense of neglect, and discover ways to heal from the pain and confusion caused by your childhood. By freeing yourself from your parents’ emotional immaturity, you can recover your true nature, control how you react to them, and avoid disappointment. Finally, you’ll learn how to create positive, new relationships so you can build a better life.

Discover the four types of difficult parents:

The emotional parent instills feelings of instability and anxiety

The driven parent stays busy trying to perfect everything and everyone

The passive parent avoids dealing with anything upsetting

The rejecting parent is withdrawn, dismissive, and derogatory