This book got better and better the deeper I got into it. It made me think of the things that I identify as routines and pushed me on to thinking about how I can make those things more meaningful. It made me think of some of my religious practices and whether or not they're just routines or if they're ritualistic and meaningful. If they matter, they should be meaningful and that is really inner work.
For me, five stars means I thought it was great and I'd definitely read it again.
I started to notice rituals and as a result, could be more mindful of the practices. I noticed other people doing it too. We went to a funeral and one person talked about how the person they were honoring used to tap every log three times before he put it in the fire when they were camping....and now, in memory of this friend, he taps every log three times.
Notes and ideas:
p. 25
Rituals are emotion generators. Once a particular set of movements become linked to a particular emotion, that set of actions, that ritual, is then available to summon the relevant emotion - not unlike a catalyst in the kitchen such as sourdough bread starter.
- I started using the time when I get out of the shower as a ritual time. I light a candle and while I'm drying off and lotioning up, I think of the covenants that I have made in the temple. I go over them in my mind and repeat some of the phrases we use in the temple. It has made a big change in my life, helping me want to do better at keeping those covenants.
p. 78 After a childhood spent in the world of food and fine dining, Michaud had hospitality on her mind when she arrived in New York. what she discovered, however, was not the city that never sleeps. Instead, it was a city shattered by lockdown and looking to find its social footing. In 2022, although people were ready to socialize again, a mood of trepidation hung over many social gatherings. For people such as Michaud, young transplants still new to the city, the question was, How do you possibly find IRL friends after two years of Zoom happy hours? Instead of starting with people already in her network, Michaud took a bolder and bigger chance. She identified six strangers-friends of friends and people she found on Bumble BFF, a friendship app-and invited them to a meal in her home. She didn't call her party Dinner with Strangers, however. Instead, she sent out her invites and welcomed people she had never met to join her for an intimate evening around her dining table. It's a "Dinner with Friends," her invite stated. A promise or a pipe dream?
As documented in the New York Times, one by one, women arrived for dinner - total strangers - and learned, once again, how to have a conversation with new people in the same room. What does it look like to make friends again? The question was on everyone's mind after the worst of the pandemic. Researchers estimate that people's social networks decreased in size an average of 16 percent during COVIDs lockdowns and in the following year of social distancing.
When the strangers at Michaud's dinner party erupted into laughter or split off into side conversations, she knew they had all found a bit of chemistry. Before the night was over, she connected everyone on a group chat and added it to her growing collections of text streams, each from a different cohort of guests at one of her dinner parties. She now has a waiting list of more than eight hundred people to attend oen of her "stranger" events - primarily young women, all with a simple intent: today I might make a friend.
p. 144
Everyday family meals offer another opportunity for reinvention. In the United States, one in five family meals are now consumed in a car, and close to three-quarters are eaten outside the home. Fewer than 33 percent of American families eat together at an actual table more than two times a week.
An abundance of research over the past two decades has confirmed the power of reviving this ritual. In 2012, for example, a survey conducted by the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University found that regular family dinners were linked to a decreased rate of substance abuse in teenagers and an increase in feelings of connectedness between adolescents and their parents. One study of nine-three parents wit ha first-grader showed that the benefits of mealtime rituals are particularly pronounced for boosting relationships between fathers and daughters, family members who otherwise spend less time together. It's not a question of if for most families; it's a question of how. Between sports schedules, after-school jobs, commutes and school days and work meetings that run late, how can we make the family meal into a meaningful event?
Psychiatrist Anne Fishel has some ideas. Fishel directs the FAmily and Couples Therapy Program at Massachusetts Genreal Hospital, where she saw a need for more guidance on making this meal happen. She started the Family Dinner Project to help families add a touch of ritual back into their lives. The project is designed to transform family meals from habits to rituals; that is, from empty routines (this is what we do) to meaningful experiences that connect family and enrich the lives of children (this is who we are).
Rishel starts small. She recommends picking one meal, or even one snack time, when the family commits to being together - which often means poring through everyone's schedule to find that single thirty-minute window that works for all members. The key is to pick just one. Thinking that family dinners are all-important can be self-defeating if we focus on the impossibility of having dinner (or any meal) together every day. it's important to be realistic about the time you have.
It's also worth starting small on the food, too - while home-cooked healthy meals are best for everyone, the stress of preparing an entire meal from scratch is another barrier to getting started. As in so many other areas of life, the great can be the enemy of the food. What Fishel has in mind is decidedly more playful and improvisational: think less Sunday roast and more silly snack time when the family eats popcorn together on Tuesday evening.
p. 158 on death and the process after the funeral is over:
Literally, the United States has no law requiring bereavement leave.
As anyone who has experienced grief knows, this is not how the process works. In one study of 233 bereaved individuals followed for twenty-four months after the death of a loved one, disbelief peaked at one month after the loss, yearning peaked at four months, anger peaed at five months, and depression didn't peak until six months. Unfortunately, we often put pressure on ourselves to move on, to stop thinking about the person, to "get over it".
Goodreads says:
In the bestselling tradition of Charles Duhigg’s The Power of Habit and Angela Duckworth’s Grit, a renowned social psychologist demonstrates the power of small acts—and how a subtle turning of habits into rituals can add purpose and pleasure to life.
Our lives are filled with repetitive tasks meant to boost productivity—what we come to know as habits. Over time, these habits (for example, brushing your teeth or putting on your right sock first) are done on autopilot. But when a layer of mindfulness accompanies a habit—when we focus on the precise way an act is performed—a ritual has been created. Now, an everyday act goes from black-and-white to technicolor. And as author Michael Norton explains here, it’s these rituals that make life worth living.
Think of the way you savor a certain beverage, the care you take with a certain outfit that only gets worn on special occasions, the unique way that your family gathers around the table at the holidays, or the secret language you enjoy with your significant other. To some, these behaviors may seem quirky, but because rituals matter so deeply to us on a personal level, they saturate our lives with purpose and meaning. Rituals can heal a community experiencing a great loss, guide a speaker through a difficult presentation, drive a stadium of sports fans to ecstasy, inspire courage in soldiers going into combat, and help us rise to challenges and realize opportunities. Among those who have made effective use of rituals are Maya Angelou, Keith Richards, Barack Obama, and Steve Jobs. Drawing on decades of original research, author Michal Norton reveals that shifting from a “habitual” mindset to a “ritual” mindset can both enhance performance and add meaning to your life.
Compelling, inspiring, and practical, The Ritual Effect takes us on a fascinating tour of the intention-filled acts that drive human behavior and shows us how to create simple rituals to imbue everyday life with a sense of purpose and joy.
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