This is a bigger problem than most people are willing to admit. It is something people don't like to talk about. People who consider estrangement or go ahead with their decision feel real pain. It is difficult because sometimes continuing an unhealthy relationship can be very painful, but so can estrangement. The book goes through many ways that estrangement happens: divorce, in-laws, money/inheritances, unmet expectations and value and lifestyle differences and also has some good strategies for how to resolve the fractures.
Interestingly, in the section about resolving these issues, one of the big topics was defensive ignorance, especially among parents. Often times parents will claim they have no idea why their child won't speak to them - yet they can list many situations that led to estrangement. The author has done a lot of research and found that defensiveness encourages us to selectively edit information we receive, "treating as "facts" events that help protect our self-esteem and discounting those that may threaten a positive perception of ourselves". (page 172) It's pretty hard to reconcile when people create their own reality. However, luckily, it isn't impossible and with good boundaries, can be done.
3. Expand your feedback loop: Often people find solace in talking to people who understand their situation. However, talking to someone who may be considered "the other side" often helps. One of the strong suggestions was a group that uses the 12-step program like Alcoholics Anonymous. You often can't get perspective when trying to work through the problem with people inside your circle.
It was interesting to me that often parents are the ones who excuse their poor behavior and are surprised when children cut ties. The parents are usually the ones who really want to heal the rift and children are quite willing to move on without their parents. Family ties are not unbreakable. "...many estranged parents held firmly to two sets of expectations: that their past provision of support to their child obligates the child to relation in the relationship, and that family ties are so binding that even chronic stress in the relationship should not undo them." (page 194) These are faulty assumptions. "A child, however, is likely to view providing a stable childhood as a basic expectation of the parent-child relationship, not the one that requires lifetime loyalty in the face of a pattern of aversive interactions." (p. 194)
1. Set clear terms: You have be specific because what one considers respectful interactions, the other might not understand.
The author is sympathetic to situations where it just won't work, but he does give one last ditch effort to encourage people to reconcile with his "one last chance" chapter. The strategies he suggests are:
Goodreads says:
Estrangement from a family member is one of the most painful life experiences. It is devastating not only to the individuals directly involved--collateral damage can extend upward, downward, and across generations, More than 65 million Americans suffer such rifts, yet little guidance exists on how to cope with and overcome them. In this book, Karl Pillemer combines the advice of people who have successfully reconciled with powerful insights from social science research. The result is a unique guide to mending fractured families.
Fault Lines shares for the first time findings from Dr. Pillemer's ten-year groundbreaking Cornell Reconciliation Project, based on the first national survey on estrangement; rich, in-depth interviews with hundreds of people who have experienced it; and insights from leading family researchers and therapists. He assures people who are estranged, and those who care about them, that they are not alone and that fissures can be bridged.
Through the wisdom of people who have been there, Fault Lines shows how healing is possible through clear steps that people can use right away in their own families. It addresses such questions as: How do rifts begin? What makes estrangement so painful? Why is it so often triggered by a single event? Are you ready to reconcile? How can you overcome past hurts to build a new future with a relative?
Tackling a subject that is achingly familiar to almost everyone, especially in an era when powerful outside forces such as technology and mobility are lessening family cohesion, Dr. Pillemer combines dramatic stories, science-based guidance, and practical repair tools to help people find the path to reconciliation.