Supercommunicators (Charles Duhigg)

 

I read another book by this author called The Power of Habit. It was really good.

I had to do some reframing with this book. I know people that he describes. I have often labelled them as manipulators. They're good at working people and "getting them on their side". People who laugh a lot (and loud) with people seem fake to me. I'm aware that laughter is a social construct. 

When phones first came out people thought no one would have REAL conversations on the phone. Teenagers proved that wrong! Talking on the phone requires more annunciating. 

Online communication is tricker because there is no voice. For example, a winking emoji after sarcasm helps improve communication. Rules of good online communication: Over emphasize politeness. Express more gratitude, deference, greetings, apologies and hedges.

"The right conversation, at the right moment, can change everything."

p. 112 Less than 20% of the laughter in our sample was a response to anything resembling a formal effort at humor. Rather, people laughedbecause they wanted to connect with the person they were speaking with. The vast majority of laughs, Provine wrote, "seemed to follow rather banal remarks," such as "Does anyone have a rubber band?"; "It was nice meeting you too"; and "U think I'm done." Mutual playfulness, in -group feeling and positive emotional tone - not comedy - mark the social settings of most naturally occurring laughter," Province concluded. Laughter is powerful, he wrote, because it is contagious, "Immediate and involuntary, involving the most direct communication possible between people: Brain to brain."
We laugh, in other words, to show someone that we want to connec twith them - and our companions laugh back to demonstrate they want to connect with us, as well. ....and so it follows that we exhibit emotional intelligence not just by hearing another person's feelings, but by showing we have heard them. Laughter, and other nonlinguistic expressios such as gasps and sighs, or smiles and frowns, are emobidiments of the matching principle, which says that we communicate by aligning our behaviors until our brains become entrained.

But how we match other people matters...If we chuckle only slightly at someone's joke, while they laugh uproariously, we'll both see it as a sign that we're not in sync - or worse, that one of us is trying too hard, or the other is not trying hard enough.

p. 118 One of the reasons supercommunicators are so talented at picking up on how others feel is because they have a habit of noticing the energy in others' gestures, the volume of their voices, how fast they are speaking, their cadence and affect. They pay attention to whether someone's posture indicates they are feeling down, or if they are are so excited they can barely contain it. Supercommunicators allow themselves to match that energy and mood, or at least acknowledge it, and thereby make it clear they want to align. They help us see and hear our feelings via their own bodies and voices. By matching our mood and energy, they make it obvious they are trying to connect.

p. 142 In a conflict, we draw out emotions by proving we are listening. We prove we are listening by looping for understanding (1. ask questions, 2. Summarize what you heard. 3. Ask if you got it right and repeat until everyone agrees we understand.)

p. 163 In a conflict, everyone craves control, but trying to control someone is destructive. Focus on controlling yourself, your environment and the conflict's boundaries.

p. 193 How to talk about who we are:

1. Draw out multiple identities
2. Put everyone on equal footing
3. Create new groups by building on existing identities

Podcasts about this book:
Art of Manliness (ugh for that title) 

Articles about this book:

Time Magazine How to Have More Meaningful Conversations

Financial Times Super Communicators are Made, Not Born

Linked In A Useful Concise Summary of Supercommunicators by Charles Duhigg

Videos:
Four Minute Book Summaries

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1. The Three Conversation Types

Duhigg argues most interactions unfold within one (or a mix) of these:

Conversation Type	Central Question	Dominant Mode
Practical (Analytical)	“What’s this really about?”	Logic, evidence, decision-making
Emotional (Feelings)	“How do we feel?”	Emotions, vulnerabilities, empathy
Social / Identity‑based	“Who are we?”	Group roles, identity, self‑perception

2. The Matching Principle

Match others’ tone, pace, body language, and emotional energy to build rapport—and even entrain brainwaves in group settings.

3. Looping for Understanding - builds trust and ensures clarity

A three-step listening technique:

1. Ask a probing question

2. Repeat in your own words what you heard

3. Confirm accuracy with the speaker....ask if you got it right. 
   

4. Four Rules of “Learning Conversations”

To align conversations and deepen connection, follow these guidelines:

• Identify the conversation type

• Share and request goals

• Ask about feelings and share your own

• Note if identities or roles matter to what’s being discussed.

5. Navigating Conflict & Identity Safely

• Recognize conflict often stems from emotional or identity-based conversations.

• Prepare for tough conversations by listening first, acknowledging identities, avoiding generalizations, and using personal stories—not lectures.

6. Digital Communication Cues (Online Etiquette)

For online messaging and forums:

• Err on the side of politeness, limit sarcasm, express appreciation and deference, and avoid criticism in public threads.

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Actionable Takeaways

• Pause and Reflect: Before speaking, ask yourself what kind of conversation you want to have and what the other person might want.
• Ask Open-Ended Questions: Encourage others to share their values, beliefs, and experiences.
• Listen Actively: Pay attention to both verbal and nonverbal cues, and ask follow-up questions to show you're engaged.
• Express Empathy: Validate the other person's emotions and show that you understand their perspective.
• Share Your Own Vulnerabilities: Build trust by sharing your own experiences and feelings.
• Acknowledge Social Identities: Be aware of how social identities might be influencing the conversation, and create a safe space for diverse perspectives.
• Practice Looping for Understanding: Summarize what you heard and ask the speaker if the summary was accurate.

Goodreads says:

Who and what are supercommunicators? They're the people who can steer a conversation to a successful conclusion. They are able to talk about difficult topics without giving offence. They know how to make others feel at ease and share what they think. They're brilliant facilitators and decision-guiders. How do they do it?

In this groundbreaking book, Charles Duhigg unravels the secrets of the supercommunicators to reveal the art - and the science - of successful communication. He unpicks the different types of everyday conversation and pinpoints why some go smoothly while others swiftly fall apart. He reveals the conversational questions and gambits that bring people together. And he shows how even the most tricky of encounters can be turned around. In the process, he shows why a CIA operative was able to win over a reluctant spy, how a member of a jury got his fellow jurors to view an open-and-shut case differently, and what a doctor found they needed to do to engage with a vaccine sceptic.

Above all, he reveals the techniques we can all master to successfully connect with others, however tricky the circumstances. Packed with fascinating case studies and drawing on cutting-edge research, this book will change the way you think about what you say, and how you say it.

Hello, Tree (Ana Crespo)

 

This story was written after a fire in Colorado in 2013. In the last 12 years and I'm sure into the future, there have been and will be many more fires like this. This story is told from the tree's perspective. It is really beautiful and would bring comfort to someone who has gone through a huge fire, I think.

Goodreads says:

Inspired by the 2013 Black Forest fire and told from the viewpoint of a tree watching its home destroyed, Hello, Tree is about the kinship between humans and nature, and preservation of the environment.

It was a swallow who called it first.
“Fire’s coming!”
And the animals ran away.
Even the insects tried to flee.
The girl and her family left, too.
All I could do…was wait.
 
When a wildfire comes roaring into the forest, all the animals and humans flee. But all the tree can do is wait. Wait until many days and nights pass. Wait until the fire loses the battle. And wait until the forest is still before the forest can be reborn and the animals and the girl can come back.

Gather Round (David Covell)

 

Short and quick....dad and daughter make a fire, others gather around. 

This book would be a great introduction to metaphor:

(from the back page)
A Campfire is a Living Thing
Just like you! 

A campfire needs air, just like you. Don't get too close. Give it space to breathe.

A fire eats things, just like you. It eats things like paper and wood - not like you. Don't feed a fire too much or it will grow too big. You'll grow big. That's AMAZING! But fires are best staying small.

A fire can get angry. Have you ever felt like that? When a fire throws a tantrum, it can hurt things. Help a campfire stay calm and quiet. It's best when they don't roar.

A campfire has to sleep, just like you. It can't keep going all day and all night. Water helps fires go to sleep and a blanket of dirt can tuck it in.

Goodreads says:

New York Times Best Illustrated Book Award winner David Covell follows up Run Wild with a timely book about the importance of community and coming together.

Crackle. Crinkle. Sizzle. POP!
Listen to the fire talk.
It's telling us a story . . .

    Since the magic and warmth of fire was discovered long ago, campfires have protected, aided, and inspired us. Perhaps most importantly, they've brought us together. 

    In this gorgeous picture book, a girl and her father build a campfire together to keep the cold at bay. But as they welcome passing travelers--from musicians to animals--they create a community, fostered by a crackling fire and its comforting warmth.

    Written in sparkling, melodic prose, Gather Round is the perfect follow-up and companion to David Covell's New York Times Best Illustrated, Run Wild.

We Are All Equal (P. Crumble)

 

Quick read. Super simple....as equality should be. 

No one is better than another because of their appearance, advantages, social standings, financial background, or education. 

This is something I would use to show how everyone in the classroom is different in their own way. Even though we all have differences, does not mean they should be treated different. Everyone should treat everyone the way they want to be treated, no matter how similar or different they are.

Goodreads says:

No matter who you are, where you come from, where you live, what you look like, who you love, whether you are small or tall, whether you walk or run, this book celebrates the richness in our differences and the joy that we are all equal.

Enigma Girls (Candace Fleming)

 

I was especially struck that these girls/women did not say anything about their experience for 30+ years! This is another example of women's stories going untold. They were compelled to be silent about their experience because of the war - but it is interesting how long they maintained their silence! At Bletchley Park there were over 8000 employees, 75% of which were female.

The stories are compelling. The chapters are short. It fills a gap in our understanding of World War II. This would be an okay book for some of the best readers in grade three. Imagining someone they know that is the same age and comparing their life experiences to what these girls were doing is eye-opening. These are ordinary teenagers who are entrusted with detailed and top secret codes. 

All this got me curious to see if there were Canadian women involved in code-breaking. There were. There is a CBC article here about Elsa Lessard.

Olive Bailey, who lives in BC and Marjorie Stetson in this video:

Goodreads says:

From award-winning author Candace Fleming, comes the powerful and fascinating story of the brave and dedicated young women who helped turn the tides of World War II for the Allies, with their hard work and determination at Bletchley Park. Scholastic Focus is the premier home of thoroughly researched, beautifully written, and thoughtfully designed works of narrative nonfiction aimed at middle-grade and young adult readers. These books help readers learn about the world in which they live and develop their critical thinking skills so that they may become dynamic citizens who are able to analyze and understand our past, participate in essential discussions about our present, and work to grow and build our future. "You are to report to Station X at Bletchley Park, Buckinghamshire, in four days time....That is all you need to know." This was the terse telegram hundreds of young women throughout the British Isles received in the spring of 1941, as World War II raged. As they arrived at Station X, a sprawling mansion in a state of disrepair surrounded by Spartan-looking huts with little chimneys coughing out thick smoke—these young people had no idea what kind of work they were stepping into. Who had recommended them? Why had they been chosen? Most would never learn all the answers to these questions. Bletchley Park was a well-kept secret during World War II, operating under the code name Station X. The critical work of code-cracking Nazi missives that went on behind its closed doors could determine a victory or loss against Hitler’s army. Amidst the brilliant cryptographers, flamboyant debutantes, and absent-minded professors working there, it was teenaged girls who kept Station X running. Some could do advanced math, while others spoke a second language. They ran the unwieldy bombe machines, made sense of wireless sound waves, and sorted the decoded messages. They were expected to excel in their fields and most know how to keep a secret. Candace Fleming is the award-winning and highly acclaimed author of Crash from Outer Space , The Curse of the Mummy , and many other nonfiction books for young readers. With her canny and compelling narrative voice she makes history come alive. Thick with tension and suspense, this is an extraordinary and relatively unknown story of World War II that will fascinate readers who will be thrilled to see young people playing such an important role in the wartime effort.

Marianne The Maker (Kelly Corrigan and Claire Corrigan Lichty)

 

Good story to read when we're working on our toy project! 

Goodreads says:
From bestselling author Kelly Corrigan and her daughter debut author Claire Corrigan Lichty comes a new picture book about a determined young inventor!

Marianne's days are filled with schedules, structure, and soccer. There's just one Marianne is a maker. She needs every minute of her weekends to scheme and dream, draw and design, to build and rebuild! This is the story of how a creator with a crackerjack imagination finds a not-so-great way to skip practice and create her masterpiece. But will her dad understand?

Told in delightful rhyme that bounces across George Sweetland's gorgeous collage-style illustrations (chock full of hidden gems,) Marianne the Maker is sure to kindle the creative spark that lives inside all of us.

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents (Lindsay Gibson)

 

The chapter on how children react differently to emotionally immature parents was really helpful for understanding some people.

Notes:

The last chapters were my favorites....although, the background from the first chapters is probably what made them so good.

Chapter 8

Our early dependance on our parents creates patterns. As an adult, don't expect the relationship to get better. That requires two people and isn't always possible. Try to relate to your parent in a neutral way. Approach interactions between the two of you on an observational perspective. Manage the interaction rather than engaging emotionally.

You can't expect immature people to be different than they are - but you can decide on your own goals for interactions. You might have a goal to express yourself, even though you're nervous. You can't make the other party understand - but you can control how you communicate. Focus on the outcome, not the relationship. If you focus on the relationship and try to improve it, an interaction with an emotionally immature person will deteriorate and then you'll be disappointed at the lack of improvement.

Managing, not engaging: Instead of emotionally engaging with immature people, set a goal of managing interaction, including length of time and topics. Gently ease past uncomfortable topics. Be prepared to respond with the exact same thing as many times as necessary. Also manage your own emotions by observing and narrating your feelings to yourself, rather than becoming reactive.

Observe objectively and manage the interaction when the interactions don't go well.

Mentally describe what's happening when conversations go awry. It allows you to move from the emotional part of your brain to the logical part. Another strategy is to count. "How long did your parent go on that time?" You could look at a clock and decide how much longer you're going to listen. When time is up, politely interrupt and disengage.

Be okay with doing what is all you can emotionally do. Just relate as a fellow adult, not a child hoping for a parent to give the love you need. Step out of your old role self. This is where emotional healing begins.

Chapter 9

Your first job is really your own self care. You no longer have to exhaust yourself with excessive empathy for others so that you can find acceptance and love. 

Chapter 10 Identifying Emotionally Mature People

1. They're realistic and reliable

2. They work with reality rather than fighting it. They see problems and try to fix them. If changes aren't possible, they try to make the best of what they've got.

3. They can feel and think at the same time. Because of this, it is easy to work things out with them. 

4. Their consistency makes them reliable. They have an integrated sense of self and will respond basically the same across different situations.

5. They don't take everything personally. They can laugh at themself and their foibles. They realize they're fallible and are doing the best they can. They realize people can put their foot in their mouth now and then and forgive people for social gaffs. It's just a mistake, not a rejection.

6. They're respectful and reciprocal. It feels like they're looking out for you.

7. They respect your boundaries. 

8. They tune into how other people are feeling. Their ability to tune into people's feelings becomes second nature. Emotionally immature people tell you what you really meant. It's motivated by a desire to be in control. Mature people don't pretend to know you better than you know yourself. 

9. They give back. They want to help and are generous with their time. They will give back more than they get for a while, but won't continue relationships that seem too unbalanced. 

10. They try to be fair and objective. If you have to change your plans, they don't feel personally rejected. They can let you know if they're disappointed without holding it against you. They will give you the benefit of the doubt. They're collaborative and open to other's ideas. When you work together, both of you feel satisfied. Compromise means a mutual balancing of desires. (Emotionally immature people pressure people into unbalanced compromises and they think relationships are about compromise).

11. They're even tempered (the sooner temper shows up in a relationship, the more of a red flag it is. Emotionally immature people show anger by withdrawing love). Emotionally mature people will ask you what's wrong and work to solve the conflict. They won't give you the silent treatment.

12. They are willing to be influenced. They have a secure sense of self. They don't feel threatened or feel weak when others see things differently. They'll listen and try to understand your point of view.

13. They're truthful. Telling the truth is the basis of trust. They understand why you're upset if they lied or gave you a false impression. When honesty really counts, they're genuine and forthcoming. 

14. Their empathy makes you feel safe. Along with self-awareness, empathy is the soul of emotional intelligence, guiding people towards pro-social behavior and fairness in dealing with others. Non-empathetic people overlook your feelings. 

15. They make you feel seen and understood. They remember things you've told them and bring it up later. 

16. They see you positively and keep a mental library of your best qualities. They seem to know you better than you know yourself. You feel like you can be completely yourself with them. The more you share with them, the more they share with you. 

17. They aren't afraid of your emotions. They don't tell you you should be feeling another way. 

18. They like to comfort and be comforted. They have an emotional engagement instinct that works naturally. They know how important friendly support can be.

19. They reflect on their actions and try to change. They understand how people affect each other emotionally. They're willing to absorb feedback. They have interest in and curiosity about other people's impressions and are willing to take action as a result of self-reflection. If you're clear about what bothers you, they'll listen and attempt to change as appropriate.

20. They can laugh and be playful. They can use light heartedness to relieve stress. Emotionally immature people use humor that makes fun of people so that they feel better about themself. Humor with an edge such as sarcasm. In excess, it reflects cynicism, which is hard to live with.

21. They're enjoyable to be around. They have an overall positive vibe. For the most part, they're able to generate their own good feelings and enjoy life. 

When meeting people on-line:

- all personal writing reveals something about what people think

- reading what people have written gives you time to reflect on how they make you feel

- are they respectful of your boundaries in how fast or slow they want to get to know you? Are they okay with your pace of responding?

- are they reciprocal? Do they reference what you said in your previous message or do they immediately launch into something else?

- is it easy to schedule things with them?

- take a moment to jot down your thoughts after reading their profile...how do feel inside? Will you feel comfortable being yourself or do you need to watch what you say and how you say it?

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I asked AI to make a list of action items from the book to help readers heal, set boundaries and grow emotionally as well as a worksheet: 

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🌱 1. Identify Emotionally Immature Behaviors

• Reflect on your childhood to recognize traits like:

  • Lack of empathy from parents

  • Chronic invalidation of your emotions

  • Parentification (you taking care of the parent)

• Journal examples of when your emotional needs were dismissed or ignored.

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🛡️ 2. Learn Emotional Boundaries

• Practice saying “no” or expressing discomfort even when it feels hard.

• Use “I” statements (e.g., “I feel uncomfortable when...”) to communicate needs.

• Limit contact or set time boundaries with emotionally immature individuals.

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🧠 3. Stop Taking It Personally

• Remind yourself that their behavior is about them, not your worth.

• Use cognitive reframing to recognize that emotional immaturity stems from their limitations, not your failings.

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💬 4. Engage with Emotionally Safe People

• Seek out relationships where emotional reciprocity, empathy, and support exist.

• Build a "support team" of friends, therapists, or support groups.

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🧘 5. Reparent Yourself

• Practice self-compassion daily: “I am worthy of love and respect.”

• Develop internal validation: Check in with your feelings and affirm them.

• Nurture your inner child with affirming messages and care routines.

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📚 6. Learn About Emotional Maturity

• Understand traits of emotional maturity: accountability, empathy, consistency.

• Model these traits in your own behavior and relationships.

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🧩 7. Stop Over-Explaining or People-Pleasing

• Give brief, clear answers—don’t justify or over-defend your decisions.

• Practice tolerating the discomfort of someone’s disapproval or confusion.

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🛠️ 8. Use the "Observer Self"

• Notice your reactions with curiosity rather than judgment.

• Step back mentally during interactions to reduce reactivity.

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🔄 9. Break the Cycle

• Consciously choose new ways of relating to others—especially in conflict.

• Acknowledge patterns that don’t serve you and experiment with alternatives.

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🧠 Healing from Emotionally Immature Parents – Self-Reflection Worksheet

Name: _________________________  Date: ___________________

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1. Recognize Emotionally Immature Behaviors

Reflect on behaviors you experienced growing up.

List 3 examples where your emotions were dismissed or ignored:

• ---

• ---

• ---

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2. Define Healthy Boundaries

What boundary do you need to set with someone in your life?

🗒️ Example: I will not answer calls after 8 PM.

• ---

How will you express this boundary clearly and calmly?

• ---

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3. Detangle From Guilt or Shame

What negative message did you internalize from your upbringing?

• ---

Write a new, self-compassionate belief to replace it:

💬 “__________________________________________________________”

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4. Build Emotional Safety

List 2 people you feel emotionally safe with and why:

• ______________________________________ – Why: ___________________________

• ______________________________________ – Why: ___________________________

One way I can nurture a healthy relationship this week:

• ---

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5. Practice Self-Reparenting

Write a message your younger self needed to hear:

💌 “Dear younger me, _______________________________________________________”

What’s one comforting thing you can do for yourself this week?

🛁 Walk / rest / journal / art / other: ____________________________________________

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6. Notice and Reframe

Describe a recent situation that triggered an old emotional wound:

• ---

What was your automatic thought or reaction?

• ---

What might a mature, self-supporting perspective sound like?

• ---

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7. Stop Over-Explaining

What’s one recent time you over-explained yourself?

• ---

Practice a shorter, more confident response:

💬 “__________________________________________________________”

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8. Use the Observer Self

Write about a time you stayed calm and curious instead of reacting:

• ---

What did you notice about your feelings in that moment?

• ---

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9. Break the Cycle

What is one generational pattern you are consciously changing?

• ---

What’s one action you can take this week to reinforce that change?

✅ ________________________________________________________

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📅 Weekly Check-In

• One boundary I honored: ___________________________________

• One thing I did for myself: _________________________________

• One lesson I learned: ______________________________________

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Let me know if you'd like a version with checkboxes or in PDF format!

Goodreads says:

If you grew up with an emotionally immature, unavailable, or selfish parent, you may have lingering feelings of anger, loneliness, betrayal, or abandonment. You may recall your childhood as a time when your emotional needs were not met, when your feelings were dismissed, or when you took on adult levels of responsibility in an effort to compensate for your parent’s behavior. These wounds can be healed, and you can move forward in your life.

In this breakthrough book, clinical psychologist Lindsay Gibson exposes the destructive nature of parents who are emotionally immature or unavailable. You will see how these parents create a sense of neglect, and discover ways to heal from the pain and confusion caused by your childhood. By freeing yourself from your parents’ emotional immaturity, you can recover your true nature, control how you react to them, and avoid disappointment. Finally, you’ll learn how to create positive, new relationships so you can build a better life.

Discover the four types of difficult parents:

The emotional parent instills feelings of instability and anxiety

The driven parent stays busy trying to perfect everything and everyone

The passive parent avoids dealing with anything upsetting

The rejecting parent is withdrawn, dismissive, and derogatory